Is it ok to leave my husband?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We married at 22 very early in our relationship because I became pregnant. 8 years later the intimacy has completely disappeared and we have nothing in common. He is a good provider and is able to take care of me and our son and for years I think I have stayed with him for that. We do not do anything or go anywhere. He is completely content to stay at home and wants me by his side constantly. Over the last six months I have been involved in a relationship with another man and we both want to be together. I feel stifled in my marriage and feel we really did not marry for the right reasons, yet I worry about him and my son if I leave. I dont like my son having divorced parents, yet I truly feel trapped by staying here. My husband has no zest for life at all. Works, comes home, and watches TV. I have asked repeatedly for years for us to do stuff, but the answer is always no. I know I dont love him, maybe never did. Should I leave

Maybe I am being defensive because these comments are hurtful, but I do appreciate them all the same. When I say my husband wants me by his side I mean he wants me home. He does not say much to me. He wants to know I am there and wants his dinner and me to clean up after him. He either watches what he wants on tv-his choice only-or sits on the computer all nite. We do not really talk to much about anything. If I say I am going out with friends he gets angry. I am not doing this to go out and party and I know I am not being the best mother right now. I want someone in life who I can share everything with, who I can talk to, who wants to enjoy life with me and my son. Not make demands on me or ignore me. I know this wont change much, but I just wanted to clairify.

Answer 1

Maybe next time you won't be so quick to hop into bed with a man and have sex.

Maybe next time you'll use protection and not have a child with a man you barely know.

Divorce this man so he can find a real woman who is honorable and lives up to the vows she makes and doesn't cheat on him.

I hope your child one day forgives you for destroying his happy home, but I doubt he will.

Answer 2

Well you are in a sticky situation. Even though I DON'T agree with what you are doing, here is my opinion. I think before you ruin the family that you already have, you need to go get counseling for not only yourself but your marriage. And when you do go for marriage counseling you MUST have a open mind and be willing to make it work. I believe that on some level you do love your husband or you wouldn't have stayed as long as you have. You just made a very bad choice by straying. Trust me when I say that the grass isn't greener on the other side. You need to take everything into account before you make your final decision. Stop seeing the man you are cheating with, go get counseling and try your very hardest to make it work. If at that point when you gave 150% and still nothing then take the proper steps to get a divorce. Then you can see how dull green the grass will be on the other side.

Answer 3

You were young and made a mistake!
It happens,don't stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons.
Your son will be happier if his parents are happy not necessarily if they are still married. Although divorce can hurt, the child will see in time that it was for the best.
Clearly you have already clocked out of your marriage since you are seeing another man. That's not fair to your husband if you no longer what to be with him even though it will hurt the best thing to do is to tell him so that you aren't leading him on and making him think he has something that he doesn't.
Take a good long hard look at your life and what it is now and what it will be in the future if you stay where you are not happy,and if you leave!
Be fair to yourself, your child and your husband!
Good luck

Answer 4

Well, first of all, nobody is in your marriage so dont take the judgement to heart okay. If you know that you and your husband are just not happy, do you think that your child is? Think of how much happier your child could be if he/she sees you two smiling and enjoying life. Yes, cheating on your husband is a definate wrong, and you should stop that until you have dissolved your relationship with your husband. I have been with my husband for 14 yrs and there have been times when our relationship seemed to just poop out, but if you love someone you will find ways to make it thrive again. If you do not love him, then you should tell him that, and you should make plans to leave. Just because you are departing, does not mean it has to be bitter or sour. If he is a good provider and a good dad to your child, you should step back and look at the big picture of it all and find where is best for your child. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH LETTING YOUR SON STAY IN YOUR HUSBANDS CUSTODY. And the worst thing you can do for your child is keeping him in an unhappy environment. You have to get all your ducks in a row hun and figure out now what your going to do, before your son is really effected. Ask yourself-would he be happier in an unhappy home, or two happy homes?

Answer 5

Be honest with yourself - do you really want to leave because your marriage is so bad or is that other man just offering you the excitement, you're missing in your marriage?

What you think, would happen, if you move in with that other guy? The novelty would wear off pretty soon, and soon, you might be just where you're now with your hubby.

What, if that other man doesn't get along with your child?

Talk to your husband, reserve a whole night for you and him, get a sitter for your son. Tell him clearly, what you're missing. Counseling would be a good thing for both of you.

Would the other man be able and willing to provide for your son? Don't count on CS, always go from the worst-case scenario of your hubby not paying.

What if you and that other guy don't match as good as you think now? By living together with him, you'd see many more of his quirks, than you can see now.

Make your decision, nobody can do it for you, but make the decision based on your child's and your own well being, not based on that other guy, leave the other guy out of that, he shouldn't have a weight in whatever decision you make.

Answer 6

Such familiar circumstances!
I can't fault either of you more than the other 'cause it takes two to make it work (or not)as the case may be.

You're unhappy and you'd think he was too. Do you know he's unhappy? Has he spoken about how he feels at this point in your relationship?

What I think is that HE needs a "wake up" call, that his marriage is in big trouble and it may be burning out unless he steps up and contributes emotionally and otherwise. He's gotten himself into a rut, as you mention when he comes home. That's like an ostrich burying his head; that he doesn't want to "engage" in anything that takes any effort, just keep him happy is all he needs.

I guarantee if you sit him down for a good heart to heart talk and tell him that you're unhappy and thinking about a separation, that he'll immediately want to know if there's another man in your life. He's probably already suspicious.
If you tell him, yes, there is another man that you're interested in, he'll either use that against you or he'll do something equal to what you're doing, just to get even. At the very least, you will have gotten his FULL attention!

You've got to decide if the relationship is something you want to last. If yes, then insist that you both go for marriage counselling and try to work things out.

If you really don't want it to work out, then be bold, ask for a divorce. Once the word "D" is used, he'll sit up and listen really well.

There's so much at stake with a child in the middle of all this, but you don't want to teach the child to expect loveless relationships to be what he/she can look forward to. We model for our children by our own behavior and staying in the relationship without love (and I use that word loosely) is what the child will come to expect in his/her own life.

I suggest you not be in ANY Extr-curricular relationship if you really want out of your marriage. To have someone waiting in the wings is more likely just a fail-safe mechanism you've opted for so that you can make a getaway and still be somehow protected.

Separations and divorce are not for the weak-kneed. You'll have to consider what you'd do, where you'd live, how would you afford living separately without his paycheck. You've got a whopper of a task making preparations for a separation. I recommend, if you do decide to separate, that you establish your own bank account. Even if you decide to make a go of it, a separate bank account for your use only is a great step in giving you your own identity separate and apart from your husband.

Suggest you try to work it out without a 3rd party waiting in the wings.

Answer 7

OK I'll try this get counseling. I married at 18 and yes we disagree sometimes we don't cheat. There is absolutely no reason to cheat ever. However it's been done so now you must decide who is more important. Your son or the new man? You need to come clean and explain everything to the man who is the provider and a VERY GOOD MAN. Do you know how many women would kill to be where you are? I am with one of those rare men. And thank the lord daily.The man you are cheating with will cheat on you. What goes around comes back to you 3-fold. PLEASE try for your son let him see that there is some good left in you.

Answer 8

First of all you maybe right about what you feel when you say you dont love him however you want to come out smelling like a rose. First you have to tell him what he has done and what it is doing to the marriage. Tell him what he is doing and whats in store for him if he does not change! You have to be honest and stern and start making a life of your own while in your marriage I dont know if you work or not but you should start living your life not cheating that will solve nothing. I know because I have done it the other guy is the way he is because you dont belong to him as soon as you give up everything things will change. Maybe you should fight for your family and for yourself and your rights within your marriage! If his lazy butt dont want to do anything then you go and do them without him then see what his couch potatoe but will do. You change if you want to see change! You still love your husband you just have forgotton why and he is taking you for granted so dont let him! Get a life that is so fun he would be full of envy and all in my face trying to see whats going on. Be the hot momma you are make his butt sweat! I would not be cooking nothing I will be having a good time and if he gets upset so be it. Do you work?

Answer 9

If you are not in love with the man that you are married to, and you two have no connections anymore, then honestly the only thing that you are doing is hurting your child. I was with my sons' father for the same reasons you are, and I told myself that this wasn't working for none of us, so we went our separate ways, and now that years have past, we are good friends, and nothing more, but we can actually sit down together with our child and have a decent time together without the fussing, fighting, and the unhappiness that we had when we were together. So, yes honey, it is ok to leave your husband if your not happy anymore, because when it is all said and done, you will find yourself looking back and wondering why you stayed as long as you did....

Answer 10

Wow..pretty tough...well if you have spoken to him and asked for a change in the relationship then maybe you might want to consider leaving...You should have not cheated though because you might want to leave your husband because you have someone else now..It may feel like you don't love him anymore but how would you know when your into someone else at the moment...You might need a break from him and see if you really stopped loving him...after 8 years it's pretty tough having a great relationship you need to work at it really hard...You might leave him to go into another relationship that might be worst...its always good at the beginning and you feel sparks and excitement but then its gone and your back to exactly the same place you are now...Talk to your husband let him know how you feel...open up communication is the key...but don't be so fast to cheat next time...don't confuse love for lust...if you have been in a relationship for eight years there has to be feelings invovled...think of the positives and not the negatives...take some time to yourself...Think about the pros and cons of you leaving your husband...and good luck!!

Answer 11

I wasnt going to answer because there were so many answers already but there are some low down self righteous wannabees online. You are not a hoe you will not be tarred and feathered for falling out of love with your husband.He who is without sin cast the first stone!!! I am am going thru the same thing and vefor I was I knew people who were yet I still got married.Someone said married women needs romace the most people get complacent and forget to show as much love as they showed in the beginning.I say if you've cheated chances are the relationship is not abke to be salvaged so move on and make it as comfortable and as safe as posible for your child,but by no means do it for the sake of the man you are seeing but for you and your sons happiness. God Bless