Fiancee semi-cheated on me, please help.?

Question

Hello, I need advice. I am 30 years old and am engaged to be married this year. While in any relationship, you have your ups and downs, I came across something recently that I don't think I can handle without guidance. My fiancee' and I have always had great communication with each other, and have always been in love and the best of friends. A few days ago, I was cleaning out our closet and found a credit card bill from January (his card). On the bill I saw something called TBE phone services, and out of curiosity, called there to find out what it was. To my horror, I discovered it was a phone sex service. My heart broke and I confronted him with this and he confessed to making calls to this service in January. It would be so hard to explain how our relationship has always been about trust, and this is just heartbreaking. We've been so happy, and happy planning our wedding. It hurts me so bad that he could look me in the eye after doing this. This past weekend was so very horrible, and he is devastated at what he's done. I tried to forgive, and talk to him about the reason why and he just said that on a whim he just wanted to try something exciting. I unfortunately consider this a form of cheating. We've always had a great sex life, and I understand that men sometimes crave something mysterious or exciting, but I can't seem to get this out of my head because everything has always been so wonderful with us. I guess I'm asking advice for myself, how can I get over this and be confident and trusting again, because I have lost both. Am I overreacting? He says he's very happy with me and our life and what he's done has nothing to do with being unhappy, but my feeling is that if you truly love someone and respect them, you don't feel the need to do this. He didn't plan on being caught I guess. I don't know how to begin healing myself, and how I can learn to trust again. He also is ashamed and devastated but I'm not ready to forgive; every time I look at him, I see what he did.
If anyone has any advice, please help. Thank you kindly for your time.

To add a little more, I know he and his family well and love them all, we’re very close. Unless you count that he used to subscribe to playboy, he hasn’t done anything out of the norm. He is so distraught right now that he’s gotten himself sick. I am not being nasty to him or anything like that, I know in my heart he didn’t do it to be a jerk, he didn’t do it because he was unhappy with me or our life, I know he did it just basically because it was something mysterious and exciting. I understand that she’s not “a real woman” and it wasn’t “real sex” but I guess my problem is that I wish he had come to me if he was feeling that frisky, lol. We’ve discussed this over and over for a couple of days now, I know he’s sorry, I know he won’t do that again, but right now, I need to figure out how to heal my mind and heart, and be able to look at him without envisioning what he’s done. Thank you all so much for the helpful answers, I appreciate it so very much.

Answer 1

I know it's hard and I understand all the feelings u are feeling right now, but don't throw away what u have over this. The reason why he probably hid it is that he is ashamed and embarrassed. Don't look at it as cheating, look at it in the same level as if he would have watched a porno. He didn't know this woman, or touch her, or even see her. It was probably out of complete curiosity.......something stupid he did on a whim without thinking. His reaction to u finding out is the most important thing. He feels devastated, so u know that he knows what he did was wrong, and I am sure he won't make that mistake again. Calmly sit with him, tell him the feelings u went through when u found it, let him apologize to u.....and open your heart and truly forgive him, then put it completely out of your mind. Let it be a life lesson for him, and move on and concentrate on how wonderful your relationship is. Love has many ups and downs, and it's not always easy, but u work through things together and grow from them, and become even stronger. Good luck and remember love and time heal any wound.

Answer 2

First things first.....he didn't really cheat on you.....he betrayed a trust that you had placed in him.....but he didn't cheat.

The idea of phone sex is weird but it's not cheating.....it's just weird and I'm fairly certain he probably feels the same way....weird.

How one can overlook someone being weird is really the question here.....and of course....how weird is he really?

Was this just an experiment? Does he like you to talk while making love? Maybe you should call him on the phone while he's at work, and give him a few minutes of excitment.

If everytime you look at him, you only see this incident then you are being really shortsighted because you fell in love with him long before this happend....so in reality you are overlooking everything else about him.

The fact that he didn't destroy the bill means he wanted you to know.....and that's an important issue.

This is an issue for counciling because you need a central voice when discussing the real reasons that he needed something more in his life. And remember it might have just been a silly experiment.

Do you love him? Do you want him to be the father of your children? Do you think he will be a good father? Or do you just think he's weird?

Your call

Answer 3

If your trust has been broken its hard to ever get it back, if you can at all , it depends on your personality traits. If you feel that this cheating can you handle the pressure of it? because there is alwayse gonna be a seed of doubt, and doubt can destroy a relationship,
If you can forgive what he did are you gonna be able to forget it? or will you always throw it in his face when you are having difficulties in the relationship?
Ive seen what cheating can do in a relationship, and there isnt to many people who can get over it, most people stay and then end up hating each other in the end
If you love him and can truely forgive him and let this be a learning experience then I wish you all the good luck in the world if not then I wish you time to heal and the strength to move forward

Answer 4

He did not semi-cheat on you. You may not approved of what he did and many others would probably agree. Cheating is when you are with another person and you exchange body fluids either orally or thru intercourse. Talking with another person is not cheating but would be considered 'flirting'.
Trust is difficult to regain......and one has to earn it back over time. Give him an opportunity to do so. Perhaps you should try to 'spice' up your sex life, try different things, position, places etc.
If you have not told anyone (friends, family etc) DO NOT TELL THEM. It is a personal issue between you and him. Keep it that way.

Answer 5

If he has never done anything like this before and you do not think he will do it again, then I would forgive him and move on. I would say if it was with a person that he knows or could meet, then I would dump him. Just think that the girl he was talking to probably weighed 500 pounds with stretch pants and a hairy mole. It will take time, but eventually it will be ok. But if hedoes it again - then I would leave.

Answer 6

I think you should try to let it go, and move on. Mainly because, he really didn't do nor did he attempt to do anything "physically" with the person he was talking to. If he really wanted to cheat on you, he wouldn't be doing so with phone sex operators. Him calling a phone sex line, is probably as close as he will get to cheating, because it's obvious that he does this, so that he won't get the temptation to really cheat. That's why he says that he is happy with your life together. This is simply his release, because he is using his imagination as to what she looks like, and not really having sex with a woman. If this is the only problem you've ever come across with him, consider yourself lucky, and keep your man.

Answer 7

I think I would be concerned about the fact that he paid for phone sex with a credit card. I mean, there are all kinds of free porn websites if he just wanted a little erotic boost. I think I'd be very cautious. His curiosity could get out of hand someday, and phone sex won't be enough. I understand why it upsets you.

Answer 8

If "every time (you) look at him, (you) see what he did" and "(you)'re not ready to forgive" your relationship is not nearly as fantastic as you think it is...

He is a presumably healthy, normal, man who wanted to try something out of curiosity. And rather than just accepting that and moving on, you're making it into some huge issue...

How would you feel if he believes part of how fantastic your current relationship is because of your current haircolour and length, and you, on a whim, dramatically changed the colour and got it cut off into short little spikes? Would you want him reacting the way that you are right now?

Because what you are describing that he did has nothing to do with you, just as a haircut/colour would have nothing to do with him. Yet you're making it about you...

This has less to do with his behaviour than it does with your insecurities, I think.

Answer 9

Jesus, if my wife of 22 years was going to write that much about me I would have at least wanted to have slept w. her sister first. Lighten up life is too short, you'll find that out too late if you're not careful. Put a man on a leash of course he becomes a dog, women are more cat-like, so what?

Answer 10

phone sex is so weird...
all he did was masturbate talking to someone.. and maybe he didn't even do that... did you ask him what actually happened?

men do these things sometimes.. I think it is horrible too... but they do... it isn't like she was actually with him or in your bed..

just forget it... he is a man... and he probably heard his friends talking about it and and decided to try