Would you TAKE HIM BACK?

Question

My sister's husband left her for another woman. They were sharing the children 50/50. He then filed for shared custody of the children. In his filings he attached all sorts of letters that she had written to him throughout the marriage, sharing her deepest thoughts and anxieties about the marriage and life. I have written some of these myself but you NEVER think that they will be used against you. He had written similar letters but she threw them away, thinking that they were personal communications between spouses.

Now, if my sister is so bad, why would he seek SHARED custody? He filed this just to hurt her. After filing, he asked that the record be sealed. I could not trust him with initimacy and my life again. But my sister is considering his recent request that they try again. I told her that it is up to her so you don't have to say "stay out of it." I am just curious as to whether anyone has done something similar or what would you do?

Answer 1

I would not personally take him back unless he agreed to marriage counseling with me at first before getting back together. It is your sisters choice whether she wants to take him back or not. You cannot make that decision for her. This is up to her and is her decision to make and not yours hon. She needs to live her life as she sees fit.

Answer 2

Wow, this is a toughy. My first thought is "no way in h***!" but with children involved it may be best to try again. If I were in her shoes, I would have to be absolutely convinced that the other woman was completely out of the picture AND I would demand that he had some sort of accountability system in place to make sure he didn't rip my heart out again and stomp it flat and then show it to everyone in a courtroom somewhere. Meaning, there would need to be a man, or group of men, trusted by both your sister and her husband, that would serve as mentor(s) for this man. I would think that if he has cheated once then subsequent times would be easier. Therefore, if he really loves her, he will guard their relationship with these protectors. If he is unwilling then refer back to my first thought. She doesn't need to be any ones doormat. Hopefully, he's willing it would be awesome if these two could hold it together for the kids (unless the kids are going to see two adults fighting like children).

On a different front, don't you dare stay out. This is your sister and you love her. She needs you, and if you like and agree with what I've written, then share it with her. If they try and stick it out, he has to be kept honest.

Answer 3

I wouldn't take him back like what I did to my husband this year after I caught his affairs with a married woman, that is adultery. He thought that because he had an affair 2 months ago it will scare me,but he was mistaken my love,trust,respect was gone as well my 3 teenagers. Now he wants to come back because he is a christian??Last year I wrote him 2 letters telling him that since from the start of our marriage he never been there for me,all that he did was treat me as his wife and the mother of his kids but never really as a woman that made his life complete.
Mine is a bit diff. to your sister,but still the same because he had the affairs and trying to used the letter that she wrote to him,that is a bit personal and if he knew he doesn't have the rights to show it or used it against her. Privacy act will come out, so tell your sister that she will be better off without him and the kids,.................

Answer 4

Whenever couples break up, hurt feelings and disloyalties can make us do things that we ordinarily would not do. Appears as if your sister's husband has some deep rooted anger and used the divorce as an opportunity to vent it. As well meaning as you may be, only your sister can decide if her marriage is worth saving. You may think you know all that went on in theri marriage, but as you can only see her side of the story, I agree with your sister when she asks you to "stay out of it". If I were to advice your sister, it would be for her to go into marital counselling with her husband to try and resolve issues within their marriage. My advice to you would be to just be there for her as a sister should be, let her make her own decisions, and offer her moral support in what ever she decides. Hope my advice was of help to you both.

Answer 5

I think you are too involved. She has to make the decision for her children and what's best for them. What was written in the letters has nothing to do with whether or not he's a good parent. Share custody, keep open about communicating about the children, and they can make it work. The letters are water under the bridge. Be mature for the children's sake.

Answer 6

It may be that your sister still loves her husband, and is willing to forgive what he did to her. While it's difficult to trust someone once they've cheated on you, she may feel that having him is more important than not being able to trust him. Each persons' emotional needs are different; she may not be able to stand on her own two feet. All you can do is be there for your sister, and support whatever decision she makes. I was in that situation once, but for me, trust was a major issue, and I couldn't forgive the cheating.

Answer 7

I had a friend who's husband suggested reconciliation after years of his infidelity. She was lulled by the tides of his "I want us to be a family again" crap. Turns out he was using this as a smokescreen so that he could move his monies into account that she couldn't touch. THEN, he divorced her. People tell you who they are by their actions, not their words. Maya Angelou said it best, "When people tell you who they are, believe them". So to answer your question, no, I sure as heck-fire wouldn't. He's either not trustworthy or he's too flighty.

Answer 8

If he did that to spite her i say she shouldnt and she should get on with her life. If he left her for anouther woman what makes her think he wont do it again? He messed up the relationship with her and he just realized it and he feel guilty. I dont think she should give him the satisfaction. I say let his *** suffer. He messed up and he should suffer from it. that's what i say at least. Does she want her kids to see that? Her daughter to think that if a guy cheat on her she should take him back? her son to think that its ok to cheat? I say dump his ***.

Answer 9

You are kidding, right? He hurt her and embarrased her, but he won't do it again? Yikes, there are no excuses, tell her to stay the hell away. Obviously he has gotten to her self confidence quite a bit.

Answer 10

I wouldn't take him back, what happened to the girl he left her for? Did she realize he was a jerk? As you said, it is up to your sister, however we can hope she is smart enough to tell him it's over. No matter what she decides, be there for her.