I really do have a problem here! I had surgery a few months ago and now I don't really have any sex drive at all. I am having some minor complications since my surgery and don't feel too good. I am seeing my doctor trying to work these things out but meanwhile all my husband cares about is the fact that he's not "getting any"! Were at once a week now and I have to force myself to do it then! Last night he left in the middle of the night after we were in the bed and said he went to get cig.s. I am having a hard time believing that one...What do you think? I didn't even know he was gone until the next morning when I saw our kids' favorite candy on the table and asked him, when did you leave and why? He at first said it was to get cig.s but then later said it was because he was mad at me because he wants more sex and I went to sleep!!He hasn't tried to understand how I feel after having a hysterectomy and I feel awful! Now I feel guilty on top of sadness and other medical issues.Help me!!
2007-03-05 01:50:17 · 26 answers · asked by justwondering 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
With that kind of major surgery and he cant put sex aside for a while then he's got some major personal issues. What a butt hole he is for not being there for you. A tad bit selfish if you ask me.
Offer him a tube of KY jelly and the new issue of the SI swimsuit addition and 10 min of alone time and see if he puts a smile on his face. Encourage him to take care of himself and quit being a rotten selfish bastard
2007-03-05 01:58:52 · answer #1 · answered by t_buck70 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well first off, he needs to understand that you're not 100%! What kind of a man would insist upon sex from a woman who wasn't 100% or who wasn't really into it? There are however, other ways to keep everybody happy! Tell him you want to watch him pleasure himself. Or maybe lend in a helping hand! Or how about a nice BJ? Chances are you might get some pleasure out of it too, so is watching a little porn and using your hand on him really too much to ask? Is not doing it worth the suspicious feelings you have when he leaves the house out of frustration? Not saying he's right and you're wrong, just giving you a couple of things to ponder. Because if a 5 minute hand job while watching some porn will solve your problem, then maybe you should give it a try!
2007-03-05 02:52:02 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in the your husband's shoes. My wife had a c-section 7mos ago, and isn't feeling very sexy these days, despite my best efforts. We're working on it, and things seem to be improving...
If your husband is a decent guy he gave you plenty of time to heal before pestering you for sex, and if not, he should have listened when you told him you were still in pain. Here's the thing; you BOTH need to feel like your needs are being met by your partner. You feel like all he cares about is sex, and need to know he cares about your needs, but he's probably feeling a little like you don't care about his needs. (Yes, sex is a need. For a guy, it's a big way we feel emotionally connected to our partner) Partners do things all the time that we don't feel like doing, but we do them anyway because we want our spouse to be happy, and I bet your husband is included. If my wife had been willing to give a handjob once or twice a week instead of completely closing the door to sex, I would have been a lot less resentful and she would have felt a lot less guilty. If you don't feel like doing it, just keep this in mind; he wants it every day, you want it never. If you do it once a week, you are doing what you want six days out of seven. Please have an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him you want to take care of his needs, but be very firm about what you need from him. I'll bet you will both be a lot happier.
2007-03-05 02:14:29 · answer #3 · answered by Killer B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know it must be really hard on you and I don't want to sound like I'm taking his side, but you must remember how important sex is to a man. When we are with the women we love and are not getting any, we get severe cramps down there and moods swings. Think about having severe PMS ALL the time. That's what he's going through. It's not an excuse for his behavior, I'm just telling you why he's acting so bad.
It is very difficult for you, but you really need to address the issue of how to keep him satisfied. Not because he is right, but because the situation is never going to change. Have you thought about oral or anal sex?
I read over my own letter and it sounds so bad. Again, I'm not saying he is right, but I do want you to understand what he thinks and feels.
Just remember that men are physical creatures and sex is one of the most important things in their lives. It's not good, but it is TRUE!
2007-03-05 02:35:19 · answer #4 · answered by A dad & a teacher 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
As far as him leaving the house.........he probably was angry and frustrated with you and the situation and he likely drove it off. However I would assume that one night the car and the frustration will lead him somewhere else.
Of course he needs sexual release..........even if you don't have the desire, he does. For a while he needs to find a way to expend that pent up energy. Men are not like women.......sex says to them that: you love him, you need him, you want him, you respect him and you trust him. He needs to understand that you still have all those feelings.
Of course you're exhausted. Your body has been through a terrible trauma and everything that controlled everything else is out of whack. It takes a long time for medications to work and sometimes they never do.
As well you may have suffered a lot of blood loss. What is your hemoglobin level. Maybe a blood transfusion would help you perk up a little.
Otherwise, if your marriage is important to you it is also important that you manage both of your needs. If you are working full time maybe you need to decrease your hours. If your children are young and demanding maybe you need to get a break by sending them to a sitter a couple of times a week.
Maybe you could have a snooze during the day while he's at work; shower, take some pain meds in advance and be ready for him with a glass or two of wine when he comes home.
Maybe he could be a little more understanding and try to research the problem, attend your appointments with you and figure it out a little bit for himself. You were not put on this earth to serve him either.
Encourage him to masturbate in front of you, participate as much as you can. Read some mags.........get some ideas. Ask your doctor to refer the two of you to a sex therapist. Get kinky with the digital cam.
Bottom line is you need to take care of yourself better and then maybe you can take care of him. In the same token he needs to get involved in taking care of you.
Don't forget he's probably feeling a little guilty himself.
2007-03-05 02:20:54 · answer #5 · answered by Suean 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is a difficult situation. I know what it's like to loose out on sex due to your wife's medical situation. For six months before my son's birth and three after, my wife and I couldn't have sex because she got very very very sick. Some of my male friends ask me how I did it... trust me, driving two and a half hours to work, an hour and a half hours to the hospital where I'm watching my wife die, and half an hour home to sleep after that didn't exactly leave me in the mood, if you know what I mean. It was a little different after she came home mostly healthy and I still couldn't touch. I love my wife, but I didn't get married to be celibate. It's frustrating to know that she's right there in arms reach and I can't touch. Obviously, when she came home, it was with a four pound baby in tow (yes, he was less than four pounds when born, due to my wife's illness) and our son being so small took (and a year and a half later still does) a lot of our energy. Lovemaking has never been a short process for my wife and I (which she assures me is my fault but in a good way... I don't know if I understand) and setting asside two hours for that when our son needed to be fed every two and a half hours until he was six months old was difficult.
Obviously, your husband has to understand your situation, but here's the part you need to make yourself aware of: he *has* to understand your situation, he doesn't get a choice. If he pushes you too much for sex, it's medically bad. You *don't* have to understand his situation. If you just ignored his needs (which is what he feels like you're doing) then all that's going to happen is he's going to be neglected and go crazy. Sometimes a simple, "I know what you're going through is hard," (without a "but" after it) can go a long way. It's what got me through my wife's pregnancy. She would say to me "I know this isn't easy for you. Thank you for all you've done. I promise it will get better." (*gasp* with words backed up by actions!) And she kept her promise!
An analogy I used to give my wife an idea of how much that meant to me: if there is a light at he end of the tunnel, I can walk for years through darkness, and after every little trip I'll get right back up and start going straight for the light again; if I'm just stumbling around in the dark with no direction, I'm going to get tired of tripping over things and give up. In other words, if I know there's something to look forward to, I can look toward that "something," even if I don't know exactly what it is. But if I have no reason to believe anything is ever going to change, I'm going to give up and start thinking more and more like a single man.
2007-03-05 02:29:30 · answer #6 · answered by Sean J 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him if you haven't tried already. My mother had a hysterctomy as well, and from being there with her, I understand that there is a lot more to it than just surgery. It takes about a year to actually get your body back on track. It's not something that is taken lightly. Losing your sex drive is normal from this, and on top of that if you are having medical complications, than I could expect you not to be able to perform. If talking doesn't work, than I would see about letting him go to a doctor visit with you, and maybe the doctor can better explain the situation to him. Good Luck, and may God Bless.
2007-03-05 02:03:50 · answer #7 · answered by In love with Life 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, I'd see my doctor about the problem-which it looks like you are. You may have something else besides your surgery...maybe depression?
Also, if your doctor tells you no sex, then have your doctor tell your hubby that too. Your health is more important.
Finally, there are other ways besides sex to "satisfy" him if you get my drift. Compromise - tell him you'll give him (ahem) oral or hand to get him thru this phase in your life. Is he even trying to give any foreplay here? If he just wants to jump on, do his thing and jump off, what's in it for you? Maybe you are not in the mood, because he's not getting you in the mood...just a thought.
If he still isn't satisfied and won't even try, maybe you need to think about counseling or more. He needs to compromise too!
2007-03-05 02:02:07 · answer #8 · answered by jjsgirlie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
From a man's pointy of view... He has been cut off cold turkey, so to speak. He only understands his side of the situation. Take him with you to your next doctors appointment and let the doctor explain what is happening with you and your body. This might help him understand where you are at in your life. A little counselling with a pastor or group may even help. He feels that he is being punished for something that isn't his fault. What he doesn't realize is that it isn't your fault either. Good Luck
2007-03-05 01:57:59 · answer #9 · answered by docelec2000 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Being a nurse I know it takes up to six to eight weeks for every thing to go back to normal and to get over this type of operation so he has to understand this !! also he has to approach you in an understanding manner !! as far as cigs go it is questionable but you can decide this for yourself !! gently is probably the best way to go for him !! you should have to force yourself to have sex !! ( lovemaking) some guys don,t understand this !! difference between making love and sex !! may i suggest to sit down and try to explain to him where you are coming from !! hopefully this will work !!
perhaps and this might sound one sided but there are other ways to be satisfied sexually !! or just some serious cuddling !! this might help you to get into the mood !! but if he is rushing you or pushing you into it !! this may not work either !! him rushing off for cigs or whatever does not help it only increases the problem !!
don,t feel sad or guilty it is he who should feel guilty for forcing you !!
just some friendly advice cowboy 5
2007-03-05 02:08:00 · answer #10 · answered by cowboy5 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you are christian, ask Jesus to let him see the facts. He is only after his own physical pleasure without caring about your emotional feelings. He may need to understand what kind of medical condition you went through and are will be going through.
Don't feel awful! He needs to read the link below and better to see a short documentary about Hysterectomy.
The link below provides an explanation of Hysterectomy, risks, sexual desire related problems..etc.. It's full of wealthy info for your husband.
If he does not understand that, then he may need a therapy session to cope with your medical condition and you are not under any obligation to make love to him, if you are not driven.
2007-03-05 02:07:42 · answer #11 · answered by Holmes 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋