my marriage is in need of help?

Question

my marriage is on ice at the moment, and i am so wanting it to be fixed, but im always, scared of saying the wrong thing.My husbands been in contact with his ex girlfriend, only to ask why did she get rid of there baby when they were together, i was not happy about it at first, then i found out he's been in concact with her brother for over a year, and still texting to date, i've asked him to stop, for now just to sort ourselfs out, and he's saying i should trust him, but how can i if he keeps things from me. i love my husband so much and he say's he love's me and only wants to be with me, so why do i feel scared of loosing him to her.

Answer 1

Without knowing the finer details of your marriage (how old you both are, how long you've been married, how long it was since he was last in touch with his ex etc...) we can only offer you rather vague assistance.

You need to find out what prompted him to get back in touch with his ex in the first place. "Only" to find out why she got rid of the baby is NOT the reason: It's a very personal question and he would have asked her ages ago if he really wanted to know.

However, it clearly that there is regret on his part that the relationship with his ex didn't work out. If this is true, it doesn't necessarily mean curtains for your marriage. It's not unusual for blokes (and I'd imagine girls too) to go through periods of nostalgia for past relationships and maybe something recently triggered this in him. Most of the time they just pass by and life returns to normal. So don't get too upset about the texting.

If you married him, you have to trust him. And if loves and cares for you, he should be reading the signs that you're distressed and why, and he should be making an effort to put you at your ease by putting you before his ex for a while.

So if I were you, I'd ride it out for a while and STAY COOL. If he continues to text her, ask him very calmly and very politely to introduce you to her - if it's just platonic, let's all be friends! If he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't have a problem with that.

You have every right to be stressed out if you care so much for your marriage, but don't let him mess you around. At the end of the day, life boils down to 2 simple questions you need to ask yourself.

Where am I going? And who is coming with me?

Answer 2

Well for one thing, being a suspicious nag isn't going to make your husband love you any more than he already does! Why women think that they can win back the hearts and minds of their husbands by being pain in the ***'s is beyond me! Bottom line is that maybe you SHOULD trust your husband. Sounds like he has a history with his ex concerning a child. Sounds like he has some major issues he's looking to get resolved. Sometimes when men find the woman of their dreams (you) they reflect on their life and try to resolve unresolved issues. He's reflecting on the life he had and the things that he couldn't understand at the time. I do think it's a little odd that he's been in contact with this woman's brother for over a year, but you two need to talk. Tell him that you will give him the space to handle whatever he needs to handle, but that you love him and you're worried about him. And that he needs to understand that by keeping things from you, it's only making you more suspicious of what he's up to. If he loves you and respects you at all, he'll appreciate what you're saying and focus more on the life he has. Not the one in his past.

Answer 3

Firstly you need to change your focus...... He's married to YOU!He got down on his knee to ask YOU to marry him...he wakes up everyday next to YOU...i think he's shown you exactly what you mean to him.
The fact that he's had to contact an ex to get answers to a serious concern, which i believe has been on his mind for a while, doesn't mean anything except that he needs answers.
The reason he may not have told you about the brother could be that he sees the ex and the brother as two different situations.
I believe that the real issue here is not your husband....but what you're telling yourself that all this means.
Think about how your husband must feel knowing that he might have had a child but it was terminated....
This is about the child not the ex.......i believe that right now is the time that he needs support.
I believe this is about insecurities you have, not what your husband has or hasn't done.....i believe the way to "fix" this is for you to work out what insecurities you have within yourself.

Che Che x.

Answer 4

Sometimes we have questions about our past and ask those 'what if' questions in an attempt to sort out our lives. It sounds to me like he is doing some of that type of soul searching. All you can do is give him a measure of trust and pray he does not break it. To not give him that will drive a wedge further between you and make him look on you as someone who wants to control him. Just be up front and tell him how much you love him, and show him that love in your actions, so he can see that pondering all the 'what ifs' he can never have could cost him that 'right now' that he does have.

Answer 5

You're scared because your Husband withheld information , and it involves an old flame , and when ever there is an old flame , there might be a burning ember . . However , i don't think the ex is what your Husband is after , I think it's the baby . He probably hasn't mentioned any of this, because he felt you might freak . I would trust him . And believe me , i'm not one to easily trust . Your reactions to his actions might be more harmful than what he's up to right now .. Believe me when I say ,if he's cheating ,you'll find more than a text message . In the meantime, try to clam that green eyed monster . Suspicion is always harder than the truth .

Answer 6

If your husband has been in contact with his ex over her getting rid of their baby, it must have been on his mind for a while. Do you have kids or are you planning them? maybe he is wondering about the child he might have had with her, it doesn't mean he wants to be with her, talk to him about it, ask him how he feels. As for texting her brother, I don't see that he is doing anything wrong at all.

You must talk to your husband, find out what is going on with him, men try to hide things and bottle them up, maybe he just needs ot let it all out.

good luck

Answer 7

This is a terrible situation to be in.

You need to write down all your feelings. I have the same problem - I can never say what I mean, but if I manage to articulate it on paper, it makes it easier for me. Or, alternatively, you could write your husband a letter about how you are feeling, ask him to read it and then discuss the contents.

You both need to sit down and talk about this. It's obviously making you so unhappy, but you need to make your husband aware of exactly what is making you so unhappy.

Good luck and keep smiling - I know its hard!

Answer 8

It sounds like he has some unresolved issues with his ex girlfriend about the baby that they had between them and he needs some answers, that's why he's going to her brother, cause he's not getting any answers from her. He probably doesn't feel like he should be talking to you about it, and trying to spare your feelings, but he shouldn't keep things from you! Suggest to him that you need to go to marriage counseling, to help him work out his unresolved issues with the ex, so that you and him can move on past this! Good Luck Honey!

Answer 9

You've allowed your husband to get a considerable upper hand on you. He's a selfish man who demands his cake and will eat it as well. Your hubby is taking your love for granted. He knows you will never divorce him so there is no threat or incentie for him to change his behavior.
I'm going to guess you are not a working wife as well and are completly dependant upon him.

Good Luck. You need to balance the relationship from a power standpoint. It's too lopsided.

Answer 10

Don't be scared. You can make it on your own if your marriage fails.
Tell your husband that HE MUST stop contacting his ex or YOU WILL LEAVE. If he does, make sure your leave. You gave him warning.
Second, tell him you want counseling. If he objects, see how it goes for a while. If things keep getting worse, give him an ultimatum and require it or you'll leave.