Is this appropriate behavior for a married man?

Question

Is it appropriate for a married man to have women friends sending him text messages on his cell phone? I say its not. He says I'm being jealous and unreasonable because these women are only friends, yet I've never met them myself. I don't have guy friends calling or texting me on my cell phone. Its come up a couple of times and we've had HUGE fights about it because I say that its just not right for a married man to have other women contacting him. He swears that I have nothing to fear and says that I'm blaming him for all the other jerks I've dated that might have cheated on me. I think ANY woman would be bothered by this. Am I over reacting? And if not, how do I get him to understand just how much this bothers me?

Answer 1

They really could just be his friends. You are jealous of the attention that he is giving to his friends. I think you should try to remember that he MARRIED you. He should then LOVE you and you might need to chill out a little. Since it's really bothering you, why not ask to meet his friends. You could all go to dinner or out to get drinks. Jealousy will drive you crazy and if pushed too far, you could drive your husband away with your unreasonable behavior and agruements.

Answer 2

I feel the only time women need to contact a married man is if they were friends before the marriage. Given that these are women you've never even met - I don't think you're over reacting. You have every right to question to know who he is talking to - the same would apply if random men were sending you messages. If he knows how much this bothers you it shouldn't matter who these women are, friends or not, he needs to take your feelings into consideration.

Answer 3

There are a lot of factors that lay into this. First and foremost, it bothers you, so that means it should stop. BUT, wouldn't you consider it controlling if your husband told you who you could and couldn't talk to? Most of the women I've talked to would. I find it deeply ironic that you're right, most women would be bothered by their boyfriend getting a text message from a female friend or co-worker, but if he even hinted that he'd rather she not openly flirt with other guys in public, then he's being too controlling and needs to back way off, because that's her right by golly and just to show him how lucky he is she'll sleep with the guy she was just flirting with before... and if he can't handle that then it's his tough luck.

I think the best policy is somewhere in the middle. Be accountable to each other. You should know the nature of all of the text messages, and if they start to get "too frisky," you should be able to put a stop to them. I had to do that with my wife and one of her male friends. But she has several other male friends that she talks to on a regular basis.

Answer 4

You are not over-reacting.

Men - single, married, recently deceased, it doesn't matter - do not have female friends. We only have [a] women we want to screw but have not yet screwed; [b] women we have already screwed; [c] women too hideous to screw. And we do not take calls and text messages from the earth pigs we put in category [c].

So either he is their gay shoe shopping swishy little cabana boy or they are on his [a] or [b] lists.

Tell him for every text he gets from his harem, you'll be sending one to that good looking guy in your office with the great a s s and the blue eyes and the big package who makes your panties steam up. Just kidding. He'll say go ahead. Most guys who are always lining up their next piece of a s s rarely change. It really comes down to you or them. Tell him, "You clearly do not understand how serious this is for me. It's a deal-breaker. Either you call each woman in your harem right here in front of me and tell them no more flirting with you or from you because your wife is on the warpath, or they can have you. I am serious and I do not want to be #2 or #3 or #4 in a man's life - I want to be his #1 and his ONLY number, period. If you think that's severe - you are right. And if you can't live with that, then I can't live the way it is now so we better sit down and make plans to end this thing."

Then you by god better be ready to follow through. If you say you will act and then do not act, you will cement his obnoxious behavior and he will NEVER change. Never.

My take: he might say yes but judging by his complete disrespect for your feelings already, he'll put his phone on vibrate, call you an effing b i t c h behind your back, and keep running his stable of fillies on the side, so get ready to leave him.

Answer 5

It is NOT appropriate for a married man to have women that you have NEVER met and don't know texting or emailing you husband!!! You have EVERY right to be upset.

although I am rather a pessimistic person when it comes to this, it completely sounds like he is being defensive for a reason... worse he is trying to make this YOUR fault! There is a reason that instead of being mature about this and discussing how you feel about it, he automatically makes it your issue.

I have been in similar cirumstances only he was getting emails from a girl that I knew and didn't like how she always flirted with him. Sure enough he was fooling around on me with her!

If your instincts tell you something isn't right, then investigate investigate investigate! If you are proven correct... then confront him, and DO NOT apologize or feel bad for finding out the truth!

Answer 6

You are right 100%! He is married! Tell him that since they are just friends have them come over so you can meet them. This should not be a problem since they are just friends right? If he says no to the idea then you know right away what the truth is. But try this get a brother or your friends husband or something to start texting you see how he likes it. Then ,maybe he will understand how your feeling.

Answer 7

Ms. Jen, your not being unreasonable, you were just telling the fact that its really not right for a married man to recieved any text from a woman. Always remember that if your husband is teeling the truth, why is it that he had the rights to get upset with you?? If those are not true, for him to justify his action is to show you his incoming text message,but his not doing it ,is it??
I had my experience too from my husband, but his wasn't text but he calls the wh##e 24-7 and never really worried of getting sleep before the next day comes. This started on christian dating site, he "said" that he was looking for a friend(woman friend) to help him what he did wrong with our relationship. His excuse was lame and it end up on affairs and the woman was also married, on a dating site.........
Now, what you need to do is try to get his statement for the month,like what I did, find the number thats not familiar to you, and from there you can call that number and you will find out whats going on. If your hubby works the mail comes on a mid day, you can wait for that mail or maybe find his statement.
If he kept it or destroy it, go to his "carrier" and get a copy of his statement, they might not give it to you,but make an excuse that he lost the statement and he wants to make sure that his bills is correct. And do talk to him and tell him if you were being unreasonable, show you the incoming message that he do recieved and if itd not true,then tell him that you will stop being suspecious..................goodluck to you!!

Answer 8

Wow.. ok first of all, my husbands best friend is a female.. BUT i knew this from day one, i knew there was never any type of intimacy between them.. and he introduced me to her right off the bat..so i could see how they act around each other.. which there was absolutely nothing to fear.. my husband told her from day one of our relationship, that he has no secrets from me, and to never ask him to keep anything secret .. and she understood.. They never hang out alone, everytime either ive been there which is about 95% of the time or her bf (now husband) was there the other 5% of the time. We have an agreement that when it comes to anyone of the opposite sex, that we will never be in any situation that can cause any doubt or concern, ie being alone together for any reason.
Does he have alot of different girls calling and texting, no.. and I WOULDNT STAND FOR THAT if he did..

If these are women friends that he's had for years, why havent u met them? why havent u hung out with them as a couple? why does he have them only contact his cell and not call the house ?

My advice to u, is to ask him to have a get together with atleast one of these women since they are such "GOOD FRIENDS" ask them over for dinner.. or to go out for dinner, etc.. so u can meet them, women can read other women , u'll know if she's a concern or not.. My guess he'll either say No to the meeting, or he'll come up with a million and one excuses for it not to happen.. which if he does, u have ur answer right there that he's messing around on u, married men have no business having so many women calling them and if their just friends, he shouldnt have anything to hide..they should be friends of both of yours..as a couple even if they are closer to one of u more so then the other..

I also believe that a man that is hidding women, defending the need to have them in their life.. is up to no good, my suggestion is.. if he puts up a fuss about meeting them, and he doesnt want to change his ways, u leave him.. u'll again find ur answer.. if he chases after u, begging for u back and chooses u over those girls, u'll know who he puts first in his life.. if he doesnt come after u, then he is a player and was just waiting for an excuse to leave, which basically by staying ur just causing urself more pain and hurt in the long run by waiting till he finally finds a girl thats worth leaving u for..and walks out the door, u'll be stronger and more confident if u leave him before he can leave u...

Remember, he promised to "forsake" all others.. he's the one breaching the marital vows.. because he didnt say "forsake" all others but the girls that text my phone.. Ur suppose to come first and he's suppose to protect his marriage from all outside negative influence and these girls on the phone, are causing negative feelings in ur marriage and he's at this point choosing them over u..

Good luck, be strong, and do what u have to do..

Answer 9

It not only is not reasonable, but he is obviously cheating on you even if it is not physically.

A married man can have female friends without anything happening, but they don't text each other. Remember he may not be physically cheating on you and therefore doesn't believe this type of flirting is cheating.

It IS. And you are not over-reacting. Make it clear that this is not acceptable behaviour, he can have all the friends he wants of either sex, but not when it has a adverse effect on his marriage, if he wants you then he will have to change his ways.

Be strong, stay firm and don't resort to heated argument, if he starts, walk away after telling him you will discuss it with him when he is willing to talk with you, not yell at you.

He needs to know you are in control and won't let him back you down.

Answer 10

i don.t think you are going to get him to understand how this upsets you if you have told him before and he is still doing it.i agree no woman would like to have strangers contacting their mate and if the shoe was on the other foot he would feel the same.he is deflecting the issue by blaming you for how his behavior makes you feel.go with your gut feeling if you think there is more going on then just a simple text do a little digging into these so called friends and see what you find how about throwing a small party invite the girls yourself using his phone and see what happens or the other choice could be trust him and go on with your life its up to you

Answer 11

The number one thing in a relationship needs to be trust. If you don't have that, you'll never be happy. Now, if you trust your husband, I would say that you are over reacting. But, if you don't trust him, then you need to work out that issue before tackling the text messages. Personally, I think it is ok for a married man to have female friends, and see nothing wrong with sending text messages back and forth.