My fiance and I have been having issues lately and he has been trying to calm his anger but still has a very short temper. Well on friday things got out of hand and I told him we can't go on if he doesnt control himself he is a wonderful guy but when he is angry its like I don't know him and well this last time I asked him to stop because things were getting bad and asked him to leave me if he cant treat me right because I won't settle for anything less. He was so angry at the time that he decided to take the easy way out and leave. He took his things and went to stay at his moms. Normally if we have a arguement and he needs a break he comes right back but this time its different he hasn't called and he even gave his sister our home keys to give them back to me. I really miss him he has been my best friend and partner for 15years and now I feel he is not coming back the arguement was his fault but he is so stubborn that he will never admit to it. I don't know what to do should I call?
2007-03-04 23:18:47 · 13 answers · asked by sadgirl 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Please help I dont know what to do any suggestions....
2007-03-04 23:20:14 · update #1
Was it really all his fault?
you need to think about that.
I don't know the situation or anything but it's easier to place the blame on someone else than it is to place it on yourself.
2007-03-04 23:23:36 · answer #1 · answered by Caged 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why do you suppose that leaving was the easy way out?
You said "you are angry can't control yourself and I won't live with it". For him to pack and leave showed great control and restraint.
A lot of guys would have beat you first before going to jail.
You have told him that you will not settle than less than your concept for how you expect to be treated. He took that and decided that that was a level he could not achive. It was not easy for him to leave it would have been much easier to say okay honey I'll change. It would be far easier to say that and then not do it.
You really need to take a hard look at your own attitude. You believe this is all about him. His cotrol, his fault, his anger, his easy way out, his, his,his....
You have completely discounted your own intractability and demands.
When do you ever give? It sounds to me as if you llike to dictate the terms and he is done with it.
You threw down the gauntlet and he refused to pick it up and fight . That was not easy. It was also not the action of a person "out of control".
You my dear got the unintended consequence of your own ultimatim. He is tired of playing your game. Do not think he will be calling any time soon.
If you want to see him it will be your turn to apoligize. I know that is probably not in your nature but see how it plays out without it.
It never ceases to amaze me how people can say their partner was thier best friend and partner but will not give enough to work on things and get through them.
You had 15 years invested in a person who you told that you were not being treated right by and HE must change. In his mind that meant continue to kiss your butt. I'll bet he is done with kissing your butt. I'd also bet that he thinks you need to change and will not be back until you tell the person in the mirror that they were wrong too.
2007-03-04 23:45:58 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
While it may be difficult with him gone, it may be for the best. He has an anger management problem and must deal with it to gain control of his emotions. If he doesn't deal with it he will go through life always blowing up and angry. Which can escalate to violent behavior. I would suggest that if you do call him, tell him that you would support him in seeking anger management counseling so that the relationship could continue. But he would have to do that counseling without living with you. Once he's completed counseling and put's what he's learned into practice then and only then would i accept him back. Wish you luck in this endeavor. If he isn't willing to get counseling he needs then you need to move on as no one deserves to live with an angry person.
2007-03-04 23:26:16 · answer #3 · answered by michael_trussell 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not saying that you have to follow my opinion and all of that but if he really loves you, he wouldn't settle things this way. There are probably a main reasons for why he did this: because well he's a man and all men have problems apologizing. A couple who are married, they both have their pride and they're not willing to lose it just for a fight. They're ready to keep it there and wait for the opponent to take a step first. So, if you really want things to be better - you could take a step and consult him then apologize for the way things has been. If he apologizes back, you could still give him a chance. However, if he says something like "oh yeah, i know you should be sorry - all day all you ever do is yell at me when i'm the one who's earning the money." you should know that this man is not the right guy for you. You really don't have to listen to what I say, if you want to just go with what your heart tells you to do. Go with what you think is the right thing to do. Good luck :)
2007-03-04 23:29:02 · answer #4 · answered by Shirley 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The positive thing here is that he has broken the pattern and cycle of abuse which is a good thing. I dont think he took the easy way out and left, maybe he knows within himself that he may not be able to control his temper and treat you the way you would like to be treated. The same thing happened to me, I told my husband to leave cos his temper was scaring me and the kids. I used to think he was weak cos he left when I told him to and I thought he didnt love me. But I realize now that its not about love, its about giving yourself a quality life. I think maybe you are so comfortable having him in your life for 15years that its a strange feeling of abandonment now that he has not been in touch and you are feeling very vunerable and scared of maybe being alone again. Calling him means you will be putting yourself back to a life of fear and living with his temper again. Its something to think about. I started counselling and seeing more of my family again to give me that support. Maybe a domestic violence counsellor can help you see things clearly. This could be the opportunity to give yourself another chance of finding yourself again. If by chance you decide to take him back, I would like to suggest a herb St Johns Wort it helped my husband to control his anger and it helps to balance the chemicals in his brain so he can rationalise and think before he reacts. It really worked for my husband, he stopped cos he thought he could handle his temper but when he stopped using it his temper was back in force and thats when me and the kids left him and now after seven years I am finally filing for divorce.
2007-03-04 23:42:55 · answer #5 · answered by n_az 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have the right attitude, I applaud you. It seems though he needs to get help.
If your only real issues are his temper, then you need to tell him that unless he seeks professional anger management help then you can not stay with him.
Anger management can be very effective and would, it seems, make a true difference to your and his future.
If he doesn't get this help then stay strong, you don't deserve to be treated that way.
2007-03-05 00:24:36 · answer #6 · answered by Rational Thought 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
See...the thing is he is the way he is, you, me, we can never change a person, unless this wants to change by her or himself, and you have to ask yourself if you will love him and accpet him just how he is, if you will always can live with this...then if you love and care him do you your best for the love of your life, until you notice there is nothing you can do to save your relationship. But its better if you try it all, than if you by being proud, let him go...no matter if at last you lose him, inside you will be calm, since you know you tried it all for him.
2007-03-04 23:43:10 · answer #7 · answered by Minnie 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
ask him to take anger management classes for 3 months at least before coming back then try to work things out
2007-03-05 00:38:45 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out while the getting is good. He obviously has anger, control, and commitment issues. Don't wind up going back to him thinking he will change. That is one of the most stupid things women do. Several wasted years and a baby later will be your out come.
2007-03-04 23:24:04 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
well....I would suggest counseling and maybe some anger management for him....call him and ask him to come over for a talk...sit down like two mature adults and figure it out....15 years is a long time...d.on't just throw it all away...good luck
2007-03-04 23:27:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋