I don't want to have sex--ever--for the rest of my life--is this normal?

Question

So, yes, I am in college and have never had consensual sex. I'm not one of those wait-until-marriage types--I just can't stand--anything. One of my ex-boyfriends once put his arm around my shoulder and I freaked out and started crying for three hours. I can't stand any sort of contact--kissing even--not even in the question--I would find it too repulsive and upsetting. I find what men have particularly threatening and violent, but I am not attracted to women at either, and any sort of contact there too, like holding hands, would probably make me really upset and probably put me into a depression. I am actually quite content with my complete celibacy--I am not inclined that way at all--and would easily manage and be very happy never having sex or any sort of romance with anyone. I think my behavior here should be fine so long as I'm all right with it, and I am, but I just have the feeling that it's not normal and I'm constantly judging my behavior by that thought.

Answer 1

I noticed you said you never had consensual sex , so something happened against your will. It is common to have a fear/mistrust of men if you have been assaulted/abused especially when you are younger. Your reaction to simple physical contact tells me you are not over the event(s). Most major cities have some sort of rape crisis center. Here in Dallas you can even get free counseling. This is something I hope and pray you will look into (by the way, it is all total anomious).

Yes, I agree sex and kissing are repulsive acts. Until this year, I would have whole heartedly agreed with you. You see, we are alike in many ways. I handled physical contact better where I did not cry, but I held it all in. I'd look totally cool on the outside, but heart would be racing (not in a good way). What is changing me is that I meet this extremely nice guy. I told him right away my hang ups so if he could not handle it, he could not waste his time. He stuck around. We are working through my issues. One of by tricks is not think to much, don't think about how gross kissing is. If you are with the right person, just do it.

Lastly, I am not against you making the decision to be celibate, I am against you letting whoever violated you make that decision for you. Take back your life. Not all men are violent monsters, find a good one.

I hope this helps.

Answer 2

You are right that it is not normal. You are also right, up to a point, what so long as you are "all right" with it, your behavior is "fine" -- but the very fact that you posted this question shows that you are not all right with it at all. It bothers you -- you feel like you are missing something, and you are right about that.

Your problem is simple. The solution may be or may not be simple. I would strongly and seriously suggest trying out a therapist, preferably one focusing on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT therapists don't waste time sorting through what if anything in your past/about your mother/etc. led to the problem -- they focus on solving it, getting the results you want so you can enjoy your life the way you want.

Best of luck. I suspect you'll defeat this problem. You've taken a first step by owning up to the fact that it IS one, and a second step by posting it. Your action-oriented approach will lead you to the life you want.

Answer 3

I think it's one thing to be a little different and quirky. You know, I'm a loner, but when I have to spend a fair amount of time in a room with another person it doesn't make me cry for 3 hours.

I might think differently if you cited religion and a desire to enter into a life of celibacy strictly so that you could serve God. That's not the case here. What you're talking about is an extreme over-reaction and repulsion to intimacy of any kind with another human being. That's not normal.

I encourage you to seek therapy - if not to get help to become intimate - then to get help to control your reactions. You definately are sending up red flags of possibly being sexually or physically abused as a child.

Answer 4

You need to see someone about this.
It's not just sexual, but sounds like you have a deep
Intimacy problem with people.

How were you treated growing up?
Was love shown to you by your Parents, and Family?
My Father never told me he loved me, or he was proud
that I got my drivers license, Graduated High School,
went to College, or on getting my first real job.
He showed no love to us, but It was my Mother who did.
She made up for what he didn't show us.
With my Father, I think It had something to do with losing
his Mother In the Child birth of a Sibling.
Now that tale has " The Color Purple " written all over It.

Look In your past, the reasons are there.
For me, I can't take compliments from people, good
or bad. I wish they would " shut up " and say nothing.

I never ask a man for money, and I never give a man
money. I guess I had enough of asking for the Family as a Child. Now I'm sure to try to have my own.

Answer 5

I really find this abnormal. I could understand it totally if you were waiting for marriage, that would be the norm contrary to what society says today and it would be the right thing to do in the eyes of God. However I feel like you need counseling, I don't know if something has happened in your pass or if you have been traumitized by someone or something in your lifetime, but to answer your question it just does not sound normal to me. Ask your pastor (if you have one) or seek counseling. Do you pray? Jesus can answer all if you are not comfortable with talking to any one else. This way your personal business doesn't end up on channel 2, 4, and seven by those you though you could trust with your situation. TRY JESUS!!

Answer 6

well what you're feeling is totally normal. i'm a psychology student studying deviant behavior, it when you've never had consensual sex, feeling the way you're feeling is normal. unfortunately, society says that men have to be a certain way for them to be real men. but you must know that not all men out there are threatening and violent; you just feel they are because of what you've experienced, and that's ok. i don't blame you if you have no desire to overcome or get passed your what you're feeling. there's nothing wrong with just having friends who are females...it will actually be quite healthy for you. but i definitely don't think you're abnormal for such. however, it does signal that you do wanna get passed these feelings. as for not ever having sex again, i'm not sure how well that will work out for you; cuz if you plan on dating and getting married, sex will eventually come with the marriage, and it has been proven that a healthy marriage does need a healthy sexual relationship. there needs to be a certain intimacy. it also sounds like something has caused you to have a fear of any and all types of intimacy...whether you are afraid of the person's intentions or afraid of letting yourself get too close for fear of where it could lead you. i think you should sit and think about exactly what it is you want in order to feel happiest, cuz your happiness and comfort is most important. however, if all that makes you cry for so long, there's definitely something you need to talk to a professional about. good luck, and if you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask me!

Answer 7

It's not normal, but it is common among rape/molestation victims.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

You may think you're comfortable with lifelong celibacy, but at some level you probably realize you are missing out on something wonderful, and you are right.

As for judging yourself, your not a bad person or a freak. In time you may become more comfortable with intimacy. You may want to talk to a professional about this though if you decide you want to take the slow path to recovery.

Answer 8

It sounds like you have a severe psychological problem of some sort. Your reaction to a simple arm around the shoulder isn't healthy. I suggest you seek professional help before giving up on your sexuality entirely. A healthy sex life can be one of the greatest joys in a person's life. Don't give up on it just yet.

Answer 9

You've obviously been through something horrible. I'm sorry it must be very hard for you. I suggest going to a doctor/pyschiatrist. I don't think you're crazy, it is completely understandable. But it is not normal, we are sexual beings and sex has been not only for population purposes, but for recreational purposes for millions of years. Seeing a doctor could at least help you with your reactions to that kind of contact, not to change your mind in any way about celibacy. Also, talking about it might help you feel better too. Don't judge yourself, especially if you are happy. Don't worry about being "normal" either.

Answer 10

Sounds like you had some issues in childhood that are still yet unresolved. Normaly you would feel the need to be close to someone and even miss the affection or attention. I'm not saying anythings wrong with being alone, lots of us are. You just should'nt be scared of intamacy. Get a psycologist and find the root of the feelings.