This is what I have written so far. Can you rate it from 1-10. What do you think of it? what could i work on?

Question

Sometimes I think the whole world has gone crazy, but then again maybe it's just me. Everyone wishes for the perfect life. Some people get it, I'm not one of those people. I was sitting on a plane as it soared over the glistening water of the vast Atlantic. London, England is where I was headed. To live with my dad whom I had visited every summer since I was four years old. I'd been to London every summer for thirteen years. I love London, I truly do, but it just isn't the place for me. I don't feel like I will ever get my perfect life, or my happily ever after there. The busy streets, the brain-racketting noises, they're great. Except you get used to them, maybe even too used to them. I really didn't know what to expect in London though I had been there for a month, every year, for thirteen years. Even though it seemed like I had it all worked out in my mind, London was so different from Phoenix.

I knew from the day that I had made my decision to move from my favorite place in the world, that I would miss a lot in Phoenix. I had bid my farewell to the sun, my friends, and most of my wardrobe. In London, there are seasons. There are seasons in Phoenix too, except the weather doesn't take a different direction when they changed. In England the weather would be cold in winter. More than cold, some days would be below freezing. Thirteen years of hot, sunny days three-hundred and sixty days of the year. Just gone. Of course there would be summer.....once a year.

Suddenly, all the lights flickered off. I looked out the window. I couldn't see a thing, the sky was jet-black. Apparently it was nighttime. As I looked out the window and into darkness, I realized I was tired. I retrieved the blanket from the seat pouch in front of me and threw it over myself. I lay back in my seat and I surrendered to my lids.

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but when I awoke the lights were back on. A flight attendant was coming around with breakfast. I pushed up my window shutter and looked out. There was a huge glare of light and it burnt my eyes. I quickly slammed the shutter back down.

A movie was playing on the big screen a few seats ahead, I didn't bother to plug any headphones in though. I just watched the characters dance across the screen. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a romance film or action film. I just guessed both, because before there were two people lip locked and now people were getting killed. Since I couldn't follow the movie without headphones and I didn't really feel like getting some out, I just stopped trying to watch. I just let my head rest against the seat. I had nothing to do. My Ipod was out of battery, I'd finished my book, my notebook was in one of my suitcases, and I didn't have any homework beings I was moving.

I just sat in my seat for I don't know how long. I probably fell asleep. If I had, I was awoken by the little ding right before the captains voice boomed out over the plane. "We are now arriving in London Heathrow. We hope you enjoyed being aboard, here on British Airways and we hope to have you back soon. The seat belt sign is still off and we ask that you do not unbuckle your seat belt until the plane has come to a complete stop." We were rolling along the runway, getting slower and slower. When the plane came to a halt I heard the sounds of everyone taking off their seat belts. I quickly unbuckled mine and stood up. I felt under the seat for my duffel and then pulled it up and slung it over my shoulder.

After finding my suitcases from the baggage claim and getting back through security, I arrived in the room where I would meet my dad. Thousands of unfamiliar faces stood behind the rope, some holding signs, a lot were waving and the others were just waiting patiently.

I scanned the people for my father. He was all the way to the left leaning against the wall with his nose in a book. As I sauntered over to him I started to fret. I hadn't lived with him for thirteen years and now here I was, standing in the airport of Heathrow, England awaiting living with my father for what could be years. I noticed I was biting off the rest of my nails. I took them out of my mouth to examine them. They were short and stubby. Nail polish had chipped off of them and there was almost no white left on the top. This was a habit that needed to be broken. I put both my hands to my sides and approached my father. My father was a business man. He had thick curly hair and was your average 6'2". He is forty-nine years old, but he looked much younger. I on the other hand also had thick hair. Except mine is a shocking red, my father's is a blondish color. I get the red from my mothers side. My hair is waist length and straight.

My shimmering red hair is one thing I liked about myself. I'm 5'8". I am now taller than my mom, but not quite taller than my dad. I still had to shoot up seven inches if I wanted to beat him. I don't think that's ever going to happen though.

"Dad." I said hesitantly. He glanced upward and looked around as if he were trying to remember where he was. Then his eyes fell on me.

"It's great to see you Ella." he said. He put his arm around me, and we started walking down to the car. He had a midnight blue B.M.W. The engine barely made a sound. Before I knew it we were out onto the highway. "I'm sorry about what happened to your mother." It had been three years since my mother's passing. She had gotten killed in a car crash. I was devastated when I had first heard the news, but now I was fine. I would have come to London then, but I had begged to stay in Phoenix.

"It was three years ago dad." I could tell he was just searching for something to say.

"Oh, Right" he said.

"Why didn't you come down here when she you know...died?" He turned his head so he was staring straight out in front of him. I could tell he was trying not to make eye contact.

I shrugged. "I just wasn't ready, that's all." I turned my head out the window. Buildings towered above me. I identified Big Ben and the House of Parliament. London was beautiful.

"Oh." was all he said. After that, we both had nothing more to say. After a while, I heard the crunch of gravel and I realized that we were pulling into the drive of my new home. The house was white with a black roof. It wasn't extremely big, but it wasn't small either. I'd been to this house many times before, I'd lived here until the age of four. And after that, every summer for thirteen years. My dad turned the key and pushed open the door. I stepped inside and kicked off my flats.

"I'm gonna go up to my room. 'Kay Dad?" He nodded and I hurried up the stairs. My room was inviting.

Like most of the house, the walls were painted a light beige color. There was a queen sized bed placed in the middle of the room with an aqua blue comforter and a small white dresser placed in the corner of the room. On the other side of the room, there was a closet, with the doors also painted white. A desk sat to the wall left of the bed, also being white. A computer was placed on it, except the computer was a black apple. I collapsed on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Tomorrow I would have to face going to school, I would be surrounded by a sea of strangers. I had found out from my dad that the name of my new High School(or whatever they called High School here) was Norton Prep. I didn't want to think about that right now.

"Ella." My dad called, "Do you want some lunch?"

"I'll be right there." I yelled back. I jumped off my bed and ran down the stairs. I was hungry. I hadn't had dinner or breakfast on the plane because everything they served revolted me.

My dad was putting ham on his sandwich.
"What do we have?" I asked. He shrugged.

"Not much, check the fridge and the pantry. You can find something. I haven't been able to go shopping lately because I have been real busy with work." he said with a sorry expression. I decided I would try and make things a little easier for him. I finally came to a conclusion to just make a P.B & J. The peanut-butter didn't spread well and the jelly was too thick. But it was all I had, so I gobbled it down.

After lunch I went back up to my room and emailed my Aunt Beccie. She had been so good to me, it was almost as if she was my mother. She had certainly treated me like her daughter. I had been living with her the past three years. She had let me drive around in her car after I had gotten my license. (I was really pissed that I would have to wait another year to drive here, after I already got my license in Phoenix.) She made me meals even though I was capable of making them myself.

And she had helped me around after my mother had died. My mother's name had been Alice. My father's name is Jason, but I never called him that to his face. When I was with my aunt Beccie, I had always referred to my dad as Jason. On my email I wrote-
Aunt Beccie,

I am all settled in. The only thing I have left to do is unpack my clothes. Jason-dad- is being really nice about everything. Tomorrow I have to face school. Wish me luck! I will send you an email tomorrow on what it's like. Love you, bye!
-Ella
I sent the email to my aunt Beccie and then checked if I had any other messages. None. There was no one to email or receive an email from besides Beccie at this point. I didn't have close enough friends in Phoenix...well, I did. Lilan had been my best friend a year ago. But then sure enough, she moved to Wisconsin and we lost contact. I shut down the computer and and trudged over to my two suitcases.

When I had been packing my clothes with Beccie, we saw that I didn't have a very wide range of clothing to take to London so she had taken me shopping. That is how I ended up with two bags. I filled the drawers in the dresser and then filled the closet. After the suitcases were empty I tucked them under the bed. Then my father called me back down.
"Ella, I forgot to tell you something. Could you come down her for a second?" I groaned. I was so tired. I didn't want to go back downstairs, but I dragged myself down the stairs anyways.

"Yeah dad?" I asked.

"He held a bag out in front of me. "I forgot. At your new school. A uniform is required." This time I was really groaning.

"A uniform?" I wailed. I took the bag and dumped out the garments on the counter. There was a black jacket that had a little logo up in the corner that read, Norton Prep., a blue, green and blue plaid skirt, a blue button up shirt with a collar, a green, black and blue tie and long gray socks.

It actually wasn't that bad, but I was still enraged by the fact that I even had to wear a uniform. "I'll go try it on." I stomped off to the bathroom and flung on the clothes. They fit. I examined my reflection. It didn't look all that bad. My radiant red hair looked good against the black and blue, and the skirt was actually kind of cute. At least I wouldn't have to worry about what I would wear the next day to blend in.

Answer 1

Sorry, I'm in too much of a hurry to read it all, but I like it. You have some problems with tense, eg I was sitting on a plane as it soared over the glistening water of the vast Atlantic. London, England is where I was headed. Up until the word London you write in the past, then you're in the present.

Keep writing.

Answer 2

You are a young writer with talent. Your comparison of England to Arizona could use more work. Go deeper with your emotional attachment to Phoenix. You can decide where you will put down roots one day and settle the battle between the 2. Possibly you may decide a whole new place to live as an adult. Write your heart out and tell the world how you are feeling. You will do a great job.

Answer 3

By now, you should have identified where you're going, the motive force you will use to develop the plot.

Faux Paux in first section: You drew attention to the "story-line" NOW-TIME and again in the next section the NOW-TIME changed but nothing in plot development or character accounts for the time change. NOW-TIME is used to alert the reader to a conversation or action developing the plot theme and the reader will live the time-line and experience the movement of time.

Answer 4

You write beautifully, but then so does my daughter, and I would never advise her to give up her day job.

I expect you would be no more willing than she was to take up a career as a chemical engineer.

What you write makes me love you (I loved my daughter from before), but that just isn't good enough.

You may be quite rich, in which case it doesn't matter. Anyhow, look for a career in government service, possibly in diplomacy.

If you think I'm wrong, then go on with it. I could be extremely wrong, but I'm just playing the odds.

Answer 5

Reenie W is right, Twilight, and you will also need a good editor. But don't give up. Very few people make a living out of writing (that's why I'm a massage therapist), but persist in putting down your thoughts. You will be published eventually, and this may be the book.

Answer 6

pretty good...i would probably look in a thesaurus to create a larger spectrum of vocabulary thus decreasing the repetition and increasing interest. also, try to make the stories you make more exciting...i felt as this story was derived from the boredom of a business trip....in other words try to make the story more interesting and try to build up a better and more clear plot otherwise the readers will get bored and will stop reading the book.

other than that...good work....try to perfect your writing the very best you can and you will get far

peace to you

god bless