I'm 17 what do you think of this poem i wrote, i know that's depressing,but is it any good? be honest please!!

Question

"my voice is but a whisper
as i'm calling out to you.
i'm quickly sinking deeper,
and i just don't know what to do.
the pain runs deep,
my heart can't last;
time's running out--
i'm falling fast.
please save me now,
before it's too late.
i feel death pulling me,
and it just won't wait.
i'm just a kid,
and life is hard.
some people make it,
but i'm broken and scarred.
i fell quite fast,
my time is through.
you just couldn't hear me,
as i called out to you.
there were always other things
more important than me.
i was falling so fast,
but you never could see.
i was the girl you ignored,
who had problems, then died.
but what you will never know
was that it was suicide.
all i needed was someone,
just someone to get me through.
but you just couldn't hear me,

As I Cried Out To You......."

Answer 1

You know what? You have a lot of talent. I would love to see what
you could do with an upbeat subject. I have such love in my heart for a family member who is dying. I have always been the one in
my family to support others, tho I am the youngest. I try to take care of others in my way, but you, you have the talent to write
poetry. Write another, ok?

Answer 2

Well, to be honest, I find it very difficult to comment on a poem like this because it seems to come from a deeply personal source. Because of that - any criticism I have of the poem may be misconstrued as criticism of you - that is depending on whose voice we are reading.

That said - I have read things like this before and I have heard the same sentiments from people your age - and I have felt the same kinds of things at your age. I certainly will not pretend to know the exact impetus of this poem - but you should know that you are tapping into a very common feeling. Read Shakespeare or Emily Dickinson or Sylvia Plath - for instance.

Now, it seems to me that the problem with every writer or artist is to understand their power. You have named your pain. You have called it out.

It now rests like a specimen before you.

The big question now is - How Do You Transform It?

As a writer, as a poet, as an artist - you can change reality.

What if you wrote another poem from the perspective of the person causing the pain? What if you described the pain as an individual, an entity? What would it look like? What if you made a poem where both you (or whoever the poem's voice is written in) and the person who caused the pain and the pain itself meet in a kind of arena - or at a bus stop. The three of you begin to talk. The three of you eventually decide that each one has been playing a role made up of preconceived notions of the other.

Maybe the three of you decide you are one.

The goal is transformation, the tool is your own power, the result is art.

There is, in fact much to live for and much to accomplish.

Answer 3

Wow...this is really good. It touches me. don't know if you have more poems or not, but there is a website that you can go onto where you can post these and no one can take it or anything! Here's my page, if you want it! I have some pretty good ones on there that you may like. Here's one, just to show you:

Broken smiles
Kept closed
Just so we could not see
The cracked open faces
The ugly past of our heroes
And when we are done
We will show
The broken smiles
But only one will keep it closed
When everyone else cracks
Trying to hide
But can't
So quickly is a new smile made
But we can see
It is not real
But only you can change
The broken smile
Behind the tears

And here's my page, like I promised!
http://www.poemhunter.com/adeaze-tinkerbelle

Answer 4

here's a extra advantageous start up: wintry climate is here, can't you notice? this is in simple terms exterior your window. your persons are playing interior the snow. If I stay interior, you will possibly stay interior with me, your terrific chum, perfect? No. Our friendship ended 3 years in the past. You left me. Now upload in literary instruments and extra poetry. somewhat of asserting snow, as an occasion, say "powdery puffs". Get it?

Answer 5

rhyme scheme works
you painted a strong word picture that went on to the climax
actually might make a good song set to music

Answer 6

Very good,i am 16 and have written quite a few poems,alot of them are in some of my questions also if you want read mine :)

Answer 7

Wow!
that is very well written you def have talent!
Anything that is written from the heart is a good thing...especially if it helps the writer or someone reading it to heal....
keep on writing!!!!
Good luck !
Blessed Be!

Answer 8

Even though it is depressing, I really think its good. Keep in mind that im not even a teen yet, so my opinion might not matter, but i write poems myself, and its good.

Answer 9

I heard you,it is pretty.You have talent i hope you find the strength to use it.Life is what we make it to be,i applied my talents and am my own boss now,not 6 feet under,thats easy.

Answer 10

your rhyme scheme seems forced. my favorite english teacher said rhyme in a poem should come naturally. It's pretty good though.