"my voice is but a whisper
as i'm calling out to you.
i'm quickly sinking deeper,
and i just don't know what to do.
the pain runs deep,
my heart can't last;
time's running out--
i'm falling fast.
please save me now,
before it's too late.
i feel death pulling me,
and it just won't wait.
i'm just a kid,
and life is hard.
some people make it,
but i'm broken and scarred.
i fell quite fast,
my time is through.
you just couldn't hear me,
as i called out to you.
there were always other things
more important than me.
i was falling so fast,
but you never could see.
i was the girl you ignored,
who had problems, then died.
but what you will never know
was that it was suicide.
all i needed was someone,
just someone to get me through.
but you just couldn't hear me,
As I Cried Out To You......."
2007-03-04 11:42:16 · 33 answers · asked by lifeistough_period 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Ralph doesn't know what he's talking about. Poems DO NOT need to rhyme. I thought it was awesome....it reminded me of what i nearly accomplished a few times when I was about 14 and 15. I hope that is not what you feel in reality though. Keep up the good work lovey!!!!
2007-03-04 11:48:41 · answer #1 · answered by dark_angel_26286 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are actually feeling this way, that's bad, but i hope the content hasn't made people feel sorry for you and tell you this poem is good because it's really, really not.
Aside from repetitiveness: - the overall theme can be interpreted in the first line, so the rest is pointless, and aside from the irregular meter and some dodgy rhymes; the first rule of poetry is show do not tell.
If you are actually serious about writing poetry maybe you should read some. You sound like you might like Sylvia Plath...here is one of her poems that demonstrates showing not telling well:
My thoughts are crabbed and sallow,
My tears like vinegar,
Or the bitter blinking yellow
Of an acetic star.
Tonight the caustic wind, love,
Gossips late and soon,
And I wear the wry-faced pucker of
The sour lemon moon.
While like an early summer plum,
Puny, green, and tart,
Droops upon its wizened stem
My lean, unripened heart.
Notice the difference? How her you can understand her emotions through the words, even though she never says she's feeling bad.
Cheer up by the way :)
Also read some Carol Ann Duffy, oh and by the way, cheer up :)
2007-03-04 12:45:10 · answer #2 · answered by Dan Brown 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You definitely have what it takes!!!! You better not be talking about yourself. Use your ability to write poetry to get you through. This is a gift from GOD , don't let go of that.
Time heals all things.
We learn from our mistakes and gain wisdom from our loses.
Suicide is not the answer , because Hell is what the cost is.
Don't pay the price at 17, your life will now begin.
Years from now you will smile, as you think of me again.
I'm a stranger who has heard the cry of a girl, I'll never know.
I hope I have inspired you to live life and continue to grow.
We are strangers with a passion for poetry , you see.
You were falling so fast and the stranger who caught you was me.
Take care , much success!!!
2007-03-04 12:18:09 · answer #3 · answered by Miss G. H. Etto 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well it's not like every poem has to rhyme, so don't listen to the people that say it's a bad poem just because it doesn't. I liked that you tried a little bit of symbolism and the rhyming, but the rhyming was so typical. And your point wasn't exactly consistant. I don't know what ur "sad" about. What's the message? you know? Keep a consistant point. And poems tend to turn lame if you try too hard to be deep.
2007-03-04 11:48:17 · answer #4 · answered by pretty shy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW!! I am a poem writer, and that is very good. I am making a book of poems, then publishing them, is it ok if I use this one if i put your name at the bottom? I really liked this one. Most of mine are about death, suicide, and the love that i lost. Hey, maybe you can email me, and we can talk. I can tell you some of my poems. You should go onto Buzzle.com, and look for Nichole Parxs, Buzzle author, and read some of my poems, if you would like. My email is bloodyblackroses_punkrocker@yahoo.com. Nice poem..kep it up
2007-03-04 12:06:08 · answer #5 · answered by Nichole 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly, it was okay. it started out really strong but in the end i feel it got kind of messy. the message you are trying to convery is really powerful, but i feel like you continue to repeat the same lines over and over. make sure you distinguish your hook, i think it is "im falling fast", from the rest of the poem throughout. good luck <3
2007-03-04 11:48:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a good poem. If this is about you, please find someone to talk to fast. Try a suicide hotline. If that doesn't help, talk to someone else. You have talent and something to offer. You never know what the future will bring. Someone is waiting to listen to you.
2007-03-04 11:48:31 · answer #7 · answered by kk 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Overly Emo.
2007-03-04 11:51:21 · answer #8 · answered by Dr. Socks 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a very good poem. With a lot of feeling. It gave me goosebumps. Seriously.! Good work girl! Keep it up!
2007-03-04 11:51:09 · answer #9 · answered by annafschr 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Both the form and content are very cliche. The best way to improve is to read more poetry.
2007-03-05 18:09:38 · answer #10 · answered by heisarobot 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋