What do you say to someone whose college-age son has died?

Question

Someone I work with just lost a son in the much-covered bus accident. I really only know this person in passing, so I don't know if it's appropriate for me to go to the memorial service - which seems like the best place for me to say whatever needs to be said.

I want to be sensitive and to express my sympathy, but I know so many other people will be saying similar things. I don't want to be trite or sound like I personally know what he's going through. I'd appreciate any suggestions you might have. I've never been in a situation like this before.

Answer 1

The conventional phrases are the best: I'm so sorry about your loss (son, whatever).

When you try to get creative and unique, you end up saying the Very Wrong thing.

You aren't close to this person, so you shouldn't try to intrude yourself. Just express sympathy using one of the standards.

Or don't say anything, if there's no need to talk to them.

You can't really help this person (if you were close, you could do more, but you're basically a stranger).

He's emotionally fragile, and not in a position to deal with people trying to push in to his grief.

Answer 2

Hon, there is nothing in the world wrong with saying the same things that other people are saying to this person, and the families of others who have lost loved ones - because all of you are FEELING the same........lost for words over a tragedy that came out of left field under a clear blue sky. You have compassion, but know there is nothing you CAN really say that changes anything or eases the pain. You can't really do anything even though you feel there has to be something you should be doing. If the family of this acquaintance of yours isn't in extremely good financial state, you might look into the possibility of trying to set up an arrangement with a local bank to receive donations to help with funeral expenses. It would take too long to tell the story, but 18 months ago the brother, and sister in law of a friend of ours were badly injured by a drunk driver. He may never work again. Somebody set up a donation plan with a local bank and friends, acquaintances, and even total strangers chipped in.
Meanwhile go, confront the bereaved person, and don't be afraid to let your lack of "slick words" be seen. Just look the person right in the eye and say "I don't know anything to say that could possibly make what you have to be feeling any easier. I just had to come and let you know how truly sorry I am for your loss" Then ask at that time if the Memorial Service is open to all comers. Best I know when there is a memorial service it's automatically open to anybody who wants to come, but by asking "may I be there" is a little bit of a "tool" whereby you give the person who right now is feeling very helpless, the power, if you will, to direct his/her own wishes in this one thing.
Beyond that, be sincere, be yourself, don't "gush". and I promise you that whatever comes out will be appreciated.

Answer 3

say hello and tell him how you know his son people like to hear stories about their children even more so now ...it makes a person feel you care...this is better then saying an empty " I'm sorry"...

Answer 4

I'm very sorry for you're loss. If there is anything I can do to make things easier here in the next few days, please don't hesitate to ask.

Answer 5

There is nothing you can say that will matter to the parents at this point, unless you can bring back their child.

Answer 6

I would say "if you need to talk, or if you need help with ANYTHING, let me know, I'm here."