I need help with rewritting or fixing this thesis statement...?

Question

I need help coming up with a thesis statement. I have an idea of what I want to write but not sure how to word it. My subject is on Jackie Robinson's accomplishments. I can't use any generic words or titles such as "great accomplishment, etc." My thesis statement is:

Jackie Robinsons tremendous conrtibution of breaking the color barrier was a great accomplishment as he did not only stand up to threats, but also began to establish the idea that segregation was immoral and that African Americans were just as equivilent as white people, and proved that equality among races is essentail to life as it allows for equal opportunities and advancement in history.

ok, so , the mistakes in here are: Great accomplishemnt = Generic title.

and This part:

and that African Americans were just as equivilent as white people

&

as it allows for equal opportunities and advancement in history

should be used in the body paragraphs.

I need to have a subject, opinion and 3 sub topics. Im thinking that for the 3 subtopics, number one should be how he was treated before he joined the major leagues, number 2 should be during the major leagues and number three should be his retirement. Im not really sure though....

THNX IN ADVANCE :D

Answer 1

How is:
Jackie Robinson made tremendous conrtibution of breaking the color barrier. He did not only stand up to threats, but also began to establish the idea that segregation was immoral and that minority should not be treated differently. He proved that equality among races is essentail to life as it allows for equal opportunities and advancement in history.


I'm also doing Jackie Robinson for a presentation. He's a really cool guy! Good luck! =)

Answer 2

If I were you I would not make my thesis statement so large. It should be short concise and to the point. It shouldn't have info supporting it. That stuff goes in the paragraph.

ex:

Jackie Robinson's (remember the possessive) tremendous contribution of breaking the color barrier was a great accomplishment.

Just end it there. Here is another one.

Jackie Robinson's intrepid actions helped to amplify the struggle against racial prejudice and ultimately lead to the destruction of the very foundations of of this prejudice.

I'm not to good with titles but here's a few:

One man's struggle against Racism
Color Barriers
Black in Baseball

Answer 3

How about "Jackie Robinson - Making Black History" for a title? and maybe you should say that African Americans were just as equal as Caucasian Americans. and maybe try leaving "as it allows" out and rewording to read "essential to life, allowing equal opportunity and advancement in history." These are my suggestions. I hope I've been of help to you. Good luck with your paper.