Sunday Mornings Are Battles With My Mom...?

Question

I live with my mom, so on Sundays, she likes to go to the supermarket at 8:00 am for grocery shopping (I would go with her or do it myself, but I have no car and she insists on doing it really early). But she buys SO MUCH food. She'll buy MORE canned food even though our cabinets are in danger of collapsing due to being stuffed to capacity with canned food, and we have about 10 cans of tomato sauce on the floor. She buys 2 boxes of soy milk even though we still have 3 boxes we still need to finish. She'll buy two tubs of salad lettuce even though one tub makes enough salads for 2 weeks, and she does this every week. She buys 5 small boxes of mini tomatos even though two boxes would last a week. We have 6 cereals because she buys more even though we already have plenty. She'll buy 3 packages of sliced apples, even though one will take a week to finish. Our frozen dinners have overstuffed our freezer, yet she buys more each time.

These are just a few examples. So should my mom be surprised when we can't finish EVERYTHING? She'll throw out tons of rotten food each week and scream at me because I haven't eaten all the food. And now, she took every single penny I worked for and is using that to buy groceries. I'm 17 and I bust my back working in a hospital four days a week for four hours after school (and maintaining B-averages in ALL AP classes) and two days a week cleaning a shop. On Tuesdays, I work four hours, on Saturdays I work for eight hours. So she took all my money because I'm "wasting her hard-earned money". I eat myself SICK trying to eat everything she buys, but I usually end up throwing up or not successfully eating everything by Sunday. I also buy little treats for myself once a day, like a chocolate bar at the end of a stressful day or some Thai Iced Tea. She sees that and assumes that's ALL I eat. I like treats with some substance and exotic flavor, but I focus on eating up her food.

I try reasoning with her to buy just ONE package of apples, and just ONE tub of lettuce, and not to buy anymore cereals until we finish the ones we have, but she just flips out and asks me if I want to pay for my own groceries. How can I reason with her?

She's just feeding me and herself. Even she can't possibly eat everything she buys. She buys enough food for 5 people!

Answer 1

In Adlerian Psychology we are trained to ask what are the goals of someone's behavior? I would speculate that your mother has some purpose for this behavior, which possibly relates to not wanting you to leave home. Since it's just the two of you I would guess she has come to count on your company, and now that you're getting to the age when you'll leave the house, this is one way she can keep you close to her. By exhausting your money supply she prevents you from saving towards a place of your own, and therefore creates a situation where you maintain your dependence on her. My recommendation would be to tell your mother how much you love and appreciate her, and let her know that she will always be an important part of your life. That being said you could respectfully make some arrangements to purchase your own groceries. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, and you also have to realize that this situation may never change unless you take this responsibility yourself.

Answer 2

I would have to say that your mother has been doing this for some time, doesn't see a problem with it, therefore, she is not going to be making any changes soon.

You are 17 years old. Is she signing your checks? Does she have access to your account? Personal question - if father is in the picture, is he trustworthy to manage money until you move out of the house? If not, is it worth working to give all your money to buy food that goes in the garbage anyway? If you didn't give your money, less food would be bought, less waste.

Have you sat down with her and discussed this? Can you put back groceries from the cart when she is looking at something else? Can you take some of the canned goods and give it to the Salvation Army or some other needy place?

Good luck with your situation, unless your mother becomes aware of what she is doing, and the reason behind her behavior, there will unlikely be any changes soon.

Answer 3

Maybe for just a couple of weeks in a row you will have to make the sacrifice of getting up at 8 and going with her so that as she goes around you can point out to her that you don't need another box of cereal because you still have some left at home (possibly she is forgetting but you can remind her), also mention as she reaches for that 3rd box of tomatoes - speak up and suggest........ Mom we just ate 2 boxes of them last week so why don't we just try buying 2 this week and see if it lasts us ok?
She might enjoy the company and imput while she is shopping for the family and when she goes thru the cash register she might also like to see the savings she see's by not having to buy as much if she takes your suggestions as you go around the store.

Answer 4

Perhaps she is stocking up in case of an emergency. Everything has a shelf life. You should go through the stock and donate the oldest ( but not outdated } items to a food kitchen so it wont go to waste. There are a lot of hungry people in this country so give the surplus away. Have a talk with your mother and suggest that she has a planning problem in her food shopping and that you would like to join her when she goes shopping in the future. Be tactful about it.

Answer 5

i think joeyguse has the best answer.

i think you are justified in being concerned about your mom's behavior. she is definitely overspending and being somewhat wasteful for a reason that she isn't sharing with you. i disagree with the people who have advised you to just be happy that you and your mom have so much food. that's the problem with americans...but i digress...


unfortunately, there's not much you can do to change her. you are a minor, and you live under HER roof. she controls the finances. you're SOL until you are out on your own, and your mom can speak with you as an adult, not just as her baby.

family counseling or mediation may help...maybe there's a grandparent or an uncle who can help you approach your mom about this? meanwhile, just do the best you can to respect her, love her, and support her. maybe she will open up to you in time. something is definitely on her mind.

Answer 6

Well, you got some eating to do. So, get going.

Seriously, people don't change that easily. You can try to make her change by pointing out the storage and waste problems she's generating. Or, you can go find your own place. I guess you need some wheels, too.

Answer 7

Have you asked her why she does this? How many people are you feeding?

In the long run though...it's her house, her life, and all you can really do is go along with it and wait until you move out...when you can develop your own shopping habits.

Answer 8

Your Sunday mornings could be much, much worse.... she could be dragging you to a church service.

I say enjoy your grocery bounty, and be thankful you're not being forced to endure a weekly brainwashing at the hands of intolerant bigots and their pedophile leaders!

Answer 9

It's really her business. Enjoy the fact that you get to eat her food.

Answer 10

And then when armageddon happens, you will be happy you have all that food, that people will kill for....