My husband just lost his very stable job for a stupid mistake. On top of that, he drinks everyday and smokes. I have asked him repeatedly to quit. We now have a baby, I have given everything up. I love him, but when I gave him the ultimatum, he called his mother- who said he should fight for custody. I don't understand why he can't try to control his destructive habits. When i asked if he would quit- he said he would do it rehab style and stay in bed all day and not work until he got over his addictions. He is not a passed out drunk, but he drinks 4-5 beers everyday and smokes pot and cigarettes. I feel helpless. Now his mother thinks I'm a ***** (she smokes pot too) and that I am just a born again hypocrite. He is a good father, and he loves our baby, and I know he loves me- so why won't he just slow down? What do I do?
2007-03-04 05:20:51 · 15 answers · asked by justintime 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you don't know how lucky you are to have a man who only drinks 4-5 beers a day. I would think that he has to drink much more then that everyday and be miss treating you and the baby for you to give up on him so easily. His mom need to stay out of it I agree. But if he is looking for a new job and not doing anything, atleast he is trying. If not I would be upset, but he is depressed right now and needs some help from a dr.smoking pot is not all that bad depending on how much and if you and the bay is doing with out because of it. Are you working? Why can't you help out while he is going through the depression? I say get some help for you both and then leave if mothing gets better. Sounds as if you depend on him way to much and need to start depending on yourself more then you are. What if he was to die tomorrow? How would you and the baby make it?
2007-03-04 05:31:04 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless he is serious then you are fighting an uphill battle. Tell him you are fine with him doing it rehab style, but a proper rehab. Ring up the Salvation Army, find out what kind of live-in rehab they have close to you....tell you husband that if he is serious about doing it rehab style that you have booked him into a legitimate rehab.....see how he reacts. If he is serious, if he can see he has a problem then he will agree to get some professional help. If he makes excuse after excuse then Im afraid he will continue to drink and smoke pot and cigarettes. Who is paying for his habit bye the way? Hes not working, so he shouldnt have any money to buy all that stuff. If you are providing it, then you are enabling him to live this kind of lifestyle....Pull out all of your support if he chooses to do nothing. You cant change him, he has to want to change himself. You can love him sure, but until he gets rid of the alcohol and pot, your love is not going to help him. If he doesnt stop this destructive behaviour then he will take you down with him if you are not strong. The mother smokes pot so nothing she says can be relied upon. If your husband will not respect your feelings then maybe you have no option but to leave, but if he accepts professional help then support him by all means, but if he does nothing then both you and your child are at risk of destroying your lives. It may not be obvious now, but in years to come his type of lifestyle will wear you down emotionally and most definitely financially. Get your strength from somewhere....make it right now.....dont wait for years and promises...promises followed up with actions are the only things that are going to get your lives on track.
I wish you the very best. you are raising 2 children...your husband hasnt grown up....gee, his mother doesnt sound like much of a role model.....take a real good look at her and then you wont wonder why your husband is the way he is....he is the product of his environment and if his mother is any indication of the morals and values she instilled in him, he will not change. Its not just your husband you are fighting here....its his mother as well as she will stand by his side no matter what.
Good luck.....you are going to need it.
2007-03-04 05:37:07 · answer #2 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take the kid and file for temporary custody THE SAME DAY you move out. He isn't that good a father if he is smoking pot and drinking like that. Cigarettes aren't going to get you custody. His smoking pot and drinking will. If you have proof. If his mother smokes it and he smokes it, don't you think that baby will grow up to smoke it also? And what happens when he goes to get a new job and they drug test? He knows he won't pass a drug test. No pass...no job.
2007-03-04 12:59:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have done all that you could and you even talked to him about his bad addictions, then you as a parent need to protect your baby and yourself from any type of harm and abuse.
I really think he should get himself into a rehab center, that's if he really loves you. If he doesn't, that shows you that he doesn't care about you and baby, but only cares about himself and his needs.
He is not a good father, otherwise he wouldn't be doing this kind of behavior. I really think you are in denial make him to be that perfect husband, but he isn't.
If he doesn't get the help he needs, then you should ask him to leave until he does. He needs to make an effort to do so and needs to be clean for at least 1-3 years. If he has threaten you with getting custody of the baby, then you should get yourself a good lawyer.
If you knew of his behavior or addictions that he had before getting married, you should have married him at all.
2007-03-04 05:36:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband has addictions and most likely they won't disappear on their own. I would suggest you get some counseling and insist that your hubby go with you. If you can't do that, look into some al-anon meetings. They can be very helpful.
Your child deserves to be raised in a smoke free environment with a sober father. His mother is enabling his behavior.
If your husband doesn't want to work on his behavior, you're going to have to make some choices. Do you want to raise your child in an alcoholic home? Do you want to stay with a man who bad-mouths you to his mommy?
Get your priorities straight and don't waiver. You and your child deserve a healthy, happy home.
By the way, I doubt your husband will be able to get custody. Start documenting things like his alcohol/drug use. It may come in handy if things get ugly. Best of luck to you.
2007-03-04 05:30:34 · answer #5 · answered by katydid 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People do not stop bad habits for anyone but themselves. End of story about that. The real deal you have to face is, if you truly cannot deal with his drinking or smoking then you have to be prepared to leave. Bottom line. Fighting and turmoil is more unhealthy for your infant to be around then a parent who drinks 4 beers a day. I live with an alcoholic, who battles his demons all the time... and one day I came to the conclusion that either I can live with this or I can't, no more arguing over reality, it is what it is. And the same is true for you. He makes his choices and you need to make yours, don't occupy your time in life trying to change someone, make proactive choices and take control of your life. I love my hubby and I accept that he has a disease, I no longer wage his war, and if the day comes where I am no longer able to cope with his addiction then me and the kiddos will be leaving. You have to make choices for yourself and your kid. Bottom line: if you feel this is not the environment you want for your kid to be raised in, then leave. Fighting solves absolutely nothing!
2007-03-04 05:36:36 · answer #6 · answered by Jennifer M 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did he drink and smoke before? Why is it a problem now? Has he just start drinking and smoking? If he just started then you need to find out why. He is willing to do rehab then by all means find a place quickly. You say you love him, but are you in love with him. You will find the right answer to your question by looking inside yourself,
2007-03-04 05:30:47 · answer #7 · answered by dchandler1969 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stick to your guns! If you back down on the ultimatum, he will continue his bad behavior and you'll be miserable and complaining about it for years! But if he sees that you are serious, then a little bit of pain now that you may have to go through, is better than years of pain later.
2007-03-04 05:28:35 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He does not love you, he only loves himself or he would get help. There is no way he could win a custody fight. He might have to be thrown out to understand his behavior is unacceptable and don't worry about his mother; mothers don't see anything wrong with their sons.
2007-03-04 05:37:14 · answer #9 · answered by supertop 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your baby doesn't need around smoking pot here in my state its illlegal and if he's going to drink he need's not do it around the baby also his mother need's to stay out of your quarells your husband wouldn't get custody with him drinking and smoking pot the judge would look in the baby's best interest if you filed for a divorce
2007-03-04 05:31:38 · answer #10 · answered by sweetgranny06 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋