I've written this story so far. Rate it from a 1-10 say what is wrong with it and what you dont like about it

Question

Sometimes I think the whole world has gone crazy, but then again maybe it's just me. Everyone wishes for the perfect life. Some people get it, I'm not one of those people. I was sitting on a plane as it soared over the glistening water of the vast Atlantic. London, England is where I was headed. To live with my dad whom I had visited every summer since I was four years old. I'd been to London every summer for thirteen years. I love London, I truly do, but it just isn't the place for me. I don't feel like I will ever get my perfect life, or my happily ever after there. The busy streets, the brain-racketting noises, they're great. Except you get used to them, maybe even too used to them. I really didn't know what to expect in London though I had been there for a month, every year, for thirteen years. Even though it seemed like I had it all worked out in my mind, London was so different from Phoenix.

I knew from the day that I had made my decision to move from my favorite place in the world, that I would miss a lot in Phoenix. I had bid my farewell to the sun, my friends, and most of my wardrobe. In London, there are seasons. There are seasons in Phoenix too, except the weather doesn't take a different direction when they changed. In England the weather would be cold in winter. More than cold, some days would be below freezing. Thirteen years of hot, sunny days three-hundred and sixty days of the year. Just gone. Of course there would be summer.....once a year.

Suddenly, all the lights flickered off. I looked out the window. I couldn't see a thing, the sky was jet-black. Apparently it was nighttime. As I looked out the window and into darkness, I realized I was tired. I retrieved the blanket from the seat pouch in front of me and threw it over myself. I lay back in my seat and I surrendered to my lids.

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but when I awoke the lights were back on. A flight attendant was coming around with breakfast. I pushed up my window shutter and looked out. There was a huge glare of light and it burnt my eyes. I quickly slammed the shutter back down.

A movie was playing on the big screen a few seats ahead, I didn't bother to plug any headphones in though. I just watched the characters dance across the screen. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a romance film or action film. I just guessed both, because before there were two people lip locked and now people were getting killed. Since I couldn't follow the movie without headphones and I didn't really feel like getting some out, I just stopped trying to watch. I just let my head rest against the seat. I had nothing to do. My Ipod was out of battery, I'd finished my book, my notebook was in one of my suitcases, and I didn't have any homework beings I was moving.

I just sat in my seat for I don't know how long. I probably fell asleep. If I had, I was awoken by the little ding right before the captains voice boomed out over the plane. "We are now arriving in London Heathrow. We hope you enjoyed being aboard, here on British Airways and we hope to have you back soon. The seat belt sign is still off and we ask that you do not unbuckle your seat belt until the plane has come to a complete stop." We were rolling along the runway, getting slower and slower. When the plane came to a halt I heard the sounds of everyone taking off their seat belts. I quickly unbuckled mine and stood up. I felt under the seat for my duffel and then pulled it up and slung it over my shoulder.

After finding my suitcases from the baggage claim and getting back through security, I arrived in the room where I would meet my dad. Thousands of unfamiliar faces stood behind the rope, some holding signs, a lot were waving and the others were just waiting patiently.

I just sat in my seat for I don't know how long. I probably fell asleep. If I had, I was awoken by the little ding right before the captains voice boomed out over the plane. "We are now arriving in London Heathrow. We hope you enjoyed being aboard, here on British Airways and we hope to have you back soon. The seat belt sign is still off and we ask that you do not unbuckle your seat belt until the plane has come to a complete stop." We were rolling along the runway, getting slower and slower. When the plane came to a halt I heard the sounds of everyone taking off their seat belts. I quickly unbuckled mine and stood up. I felt under the seat for my duffel and then pulled it up and slung it over my shoulder.

After finding my suitcases from the baggage claim and getting back through security, I arrived in the room where I would meet my dad. Thousands of unfamiliar faces stood behind the rope, some holding signs, a lot were waving and the others were just waiting patiently.

I scanned the people for my father. He was all the way to the left leaning against the wall with his nose in a book. As I sauntered over to him I started to fret. I hadn't lived with him for thirteen years and now here I was, standing in the airport of Heathrow, England awaiting living with my father for what could be years. I noticed I was biting off the rest of my nails. I took them out of my mouth to examine them. They were short and stubby. Nail polish had chipped off of them and there was almost no white left on the top. This was a habit that needed to be broken. I put both my hands to my sides and approached my father. My father was a business man. He had thick curly hair and was your average 6'2". He is forty-nine years old, but he looked much younger. I on the other hand also had thick hair. Except mine is a shocking red, my father's is a blondish color. I get the red from my mothers side. My hair is long and straight. My shimmering red hair is one thing I liked about myself.

I'm 5'8". I am now taller than my mom, but not quite taller than my dad. I still had to shoot up seven inches if I wanted to beat him. I don't think that's ever going to happen though.

"Dad." I said hesitantly. He glanced upward and looked around as if he were trying to remember where he was. Then his eyes fell on me.

"It's great to see you Ella." he said. He put his arm around me, and we started walking down to the car. He had a midnight blue B.M.W. The engine barely made a sound. Before I knew it we were out onto the highway. "I'm sorry about what happened to your mother." It had been three years since my mother's passing. She had gotten killed in a car crash. I was devastated when I had first heard the news, but now I was fine. I would have come to London then, but I had begged to stay in Phoenix.

"It was three years ago dad." I could tell he was just searching for something to say.

"Oh, Right" he said.

"Why didn't you come down here when she you know...died?" He turned his head so he was staring straight out in front of him. I could tell he was trying not to make eye contact.

I shrugged. "I just wasn't ready, that's all." I turned my head out the window. Buildings towered above me. I identified Big Ben and the House of Parliament. London was beautiful.

"Oh." was all he said. After that, we both had nothing more to say. After a while, I heard the crunch of gravel and I realized that we were pulling into the drive of my new home. The house was white with a black roof. It wasn't extremely big, but it wasn't small either. I'd been to this house many times before, I'd lived here until the age of four. And after that, every summer for thirteen years. My dad turned the key and pushed open the door. I stepped inside and kicked off my flats.

"I'm gonna go up to my room. 'Kay Dad?" He nodded and I hurried up the stairs. My room was inviting.

Like most of the house, the walls were painted a light beige color. There was a queen sized bed placed in the middle of the room with an aqua blue comforter and a small white dresser placed in the corner of the room. On the other side of the room, there was a closet, with the doors also painted white. I collapsed on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Tomorrow I would have to face going to school, I would be surrounded by a sea of strangers. I was going to one of the only Public Schools in London. I had found out from my dad that the name of my new High School(or whatever they called High School here) was Norton Prep. I didn't want to think about that right now.

"Ella." My dad called, "Do you want some lunch?"

"I'll be right there." I yelled back. I jumped off my bed and ran down the stairs. I was hungry. I hadn't had dinner or breakfast on the plane because everything they served revolted me. My dad was putting ham on his sandwich.
"What do we have?" I asked. He shrugged.

"Not much, check the fridge and the pantry. You can find something. I haven't been able to go shopping lately because I have been real busy with work." he said with a sorry expression. I decided I would try and make things a little easier for him.

"If you give me a list dad, I'll go get the groceries." "

"Really Ells? Your a life saver." he said as I started making a P.B & J.

"Except....I would have to acquire a car first though." This was true. I would have to search for a car.

"Oh...I can help you with that. We can go downtown. There is this place I know where you can get the best cars for the best prices. Cars4You."

"You sound like a T.V commercial dad." I laughed.

"It's true. We can go right after this. Or do you want to get packed first and go tomorrow?" he seemed excited.

"No. Let's go today." I said as I shoved the rest of the P.B & J in my mouth. "Let's go."

"Okay. Let me grab my keys." he said.

"Let me grab my wallet." I muttered to myself. I disappeared upstairs and came down with my sweatshirt and my bag that withheld my wallet. I wasn't much of the purse type. I strode over to the doorway where my father was awaiting me. He opened the door and gestured me out. I was anxious. All the kids at Norton Prep probably had really nice and expensive cars. I was worried I wasn't going to have enough money. I had already traded all my American money in for English, so at least I didn't have to worry about that.

My dad parked in a parking lot outside a great building that sure enough had a sign hanging from it saying, Cars4You. I almost laughed aloud at the name. It was catchy but so original. There were things everywhere that had the last two words 4 and You. (Four being not spelled out.)
"Ready?" my dad asked.

"Yep. Let's go." My dad led me inside the building and we stopped at what seemed to be the front desk. I stood behind my dad as he spoke.

"Umm, Hello. I have my daughter here. We were just wondering if we could check out a car for her."

"Yes Right this way." I watched someone else come and cover the desk post as the man who was going to show us-I assumed-stepped out. He escorted us back out the building through a different door. Rows and rows of cars were parked ahead. I could see the pricing. My jaw dropped. They really weren't expensive, but they were splendiferous cars. The man guided us through the jungle of cars.

Now....that is what I have written up till there. I have to figure out what kind of car she is going to have...any suggestions? a prep school in london what kind of car would she have?? and i need the cost...but in pounds(£)

now here is a later scene.

I watched other kids get out of their cars and enter the school. I exhaled when I noticed that all their cars weren't insanely nicer than my new ________ They were all wearing uniforms. Now this was something I hadn't been told. My dad had registered me for this school, and yet he forgets to tell me that I have to wear a uniform? I studied the uniforms the students had on. It wasn't anything embarrassing. I noticed the girls wore black, blue and green plaid skirts, a blue button up shirt with a collar and a black and blue tie. Some had black jackets on and others carried them on their arms. I noticed some girls were wearing knee socks and some were wearing ankle socks. Apparently you had a choice. From what I saw, I inferred that black shoes were required too. The boys wore khaki colored pants(trousers as they say here) also with a blue button up shirt, collared with a tie. They too, wore black jackets. I noticed the parking lot was filling up. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

I stepped outside and looked down at what I was wearing. Blue jeans, an orange long sleeved shirt covered with a black sweatshirt. I wore green and white adidas sneakers .

I walked through the double doors of Norton Prep. and headed straight to the office. Luckily, it was just to the left of the entrance, and easily identified.

Answer 1

You really need to find some sort of critique group. There are some online if you can't find any in your area.

This is the second time I've seen this question from you.

Answer 2

Hi I'm no writer, but i really enjoyed your story, didn't like the mother dying part, your a bit blarse about it, three years is still a very short time when you've lost someone, perhaps a little more of why ella didn't go home, and where she stayed, but very observant story telling xxxxxx

anna

Answer 3

WOw thats really long....but it probably just looks long on here

Answer 4

very good keep writting!