I'm not sure if it'll make total sense, because it's based around my own feelings, but please read it and give me some suggestions.
Dive
I'm sinking
Father, father, and even farther
And I can't see the surface anymore
My heart is dying
I want to say that I'm sorry
Sorry for everything
I want you to fogive me
I want to forgive myself
But the fact is
I love you
And I always will
Forever
But I also
Hate you
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
I hate you with all my heart
Because it's easier
Than loving you
And I'll never stop hating you
The fire will never die
And it's all because
I didn't know how to swim
When I dared to dive
Into those endless waters
2007-03-04 03:34:18 · 9 answers · asked by abcdefgh 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Your poem struck a resounding chord in my heart.
It sounds to me as if you are truly writing from the heart to release a pain that is deeper than those "endless waters."
I have been where you are and found amazing release in the writing of such things. I do not usually write of pain and angst but once, I wrote two within less than an hour! I have only written those 2 ever!
Your style is not all that original but your emotions come through very clearly and touched me. And your bit about diving touched me the deepest. Expand on that if you can. Originality takes a little time to develop. Remember to use spell check and then check when it is done. Should it be "farther farther, farther"?
I hope writing this helped to heal your wounds a little. I like that you do not sink into a ton of self pity, you say it like it is.
By the way, just yesterday, 4 years later I was thinking about the one to whom I had written it and there was no hatred, because that eats you up over time, but there certainly was still residual resentment over a few things. And, romantically, I came out far ahead in the long run!
I wish you well, sweet.
2007-03-04 03:47:50 · answer #1 · answered by Noor al Haqiqa 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It flows well... but that's about it.. Maybe focus more on the waters and the depths, etc.. Do you know what I mean? I think you have a really good point here, but, I agree that it must be more original- give it yourown personal touch. Your own flair for writing must be shown in your poetry. Keep writing, you've got the idea, but it needs quite a bit of polishing up, etc.. If you'd like, I could give you some advice and help you make this poem really something.. but it's all up to you.
Overall, not too bad, but keep at it. Really make the reader FEEL as he or she reads the poem.
2007-03-04 11:45:20 · answer #2 · answered by Kiara 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's excellent.
I think 'farther' in the line, Father, father and even farther, is not a misspelling, but an emphasis on the fact that the narrator is sinking, and it's her Father's fault..
2007-03-04 12:06:38 · answer #3 · answered by Fidel Castro 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
second line (father, father or farther, farther??)
It's good and very personal. I am always a believer in writing down thoughts and feelings. You should start a personal memoirs notebook.
2007-03-04 11:46:06 · answer #4 · answered by Suzanne S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's excellent, aside from a few spelling errors....very emotional, but I can totally relate to it!
2007-03-04 11:47:43 · answer #5 · answered by Kismet 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very sad, yet completely an orignal poem. Now that you put your poem on line, thought, people could steal your work.
2007-03-04 11:48:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You spelled forgive wrong. Otherwise its great!
2007-03-04 11:42:10 · answer #7 · answered by Jen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dark; but I really llike it.
2007-03-04 11:42:28 · answer #8 · answered by jmiller 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sorry, but it has to be more original. anyway, since you like it, that's what counts
2007-03-04 11:37:31 · answer #9 · answered by dark 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋