How do I save my relationship, if ...?

Question

... main issue is lack of communication and we both admit it. I have been with him for 5 years and I realize it is the most difficult, but still the only true love of my life. I totally lost myself in his priorities and we practically became roommates over time. I feel used, and realize it only happened because I allowed it to happen. He now wants to go on a trip to make up for lost time, but I feel empty and as if there is nothing left to repair. Has anyone been in this situation and what shall I do? Letting him go feels like the greatest mistake I can possibly make, but keep loosing myself in a relationship with no affection is no better idea.

Am I too demanding? And shall I go to that trip even if I feel that there is nothing left to repair?

Answer 1

The only person that can answer these questions is you. I think that you should talk to him and be very clear on how you feel. Be open and honest. Tell him what you told us. You have to ask yourself if you are in love with him or if your in love with the person you want him to be. Maybe your in love with the memory of who he used to be? You have some hard choices ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck and if you need some one to talk to or you just want some to listen, I am a stranger but I am available.

Answer 2

It's not that you're too demanding.
It's that you're too caught up in the drama.

If you can honestly say that you don't feel good about yourself when you're with him, then he's not the person for you.
He may have been at one time. But we all grow and change.
Ultimately, as you know, no one can 'make' you happy. That you must do for yourself. But, if you feel used and not worthy of affection, chances are it's because of the way he's treating you.

Personally, I don't think a trip will make any difference. Because wherever the two of you go, there the two of you are.

But, if it's some place you'd like to go and if you can table all the anger while you're there, you might be able to keep it light and fun.

I understand feeling that letting him go will feel like the "greatest mistake you could make." That's just fear talking.

I think you need to part ways for a while. Get your own place. Find yourself again. If the two of you are truly meant to be together, you will be. My bet is that as you begin to feel better about yourself, you'll look back on these past five years and see just how co-dependent your relationship was. As you feel better, you'll want better partners.

Answer 3

A 5-year relationship and he hasn't asked you to marry him because WHY????? If you feel as though you've lost yourself in a relationship with somebody that you're clearly not interested in anymore, then how can a trip or a vacation together make it any better? All you'll be thinking about is what happens when you get home! If anything, I would take a trip on your own. BY YOURSELF. Think about what you really really want in life. And it turns out that your boyfriend is a part of that vision, then let him know that you expect a ring on your finger and a commitment! Otherwise it sounds like your relationship has run it's course and that it's time to move on.

Answer 4

Before you agree to go on the trip, you need to decide for yourself if the relationship is worth saving. Make a list of all the things that make you unhappy, and a list of what YOU can do to fix them. Not a list of what HE can do. You cannot rely on someone else for your own happiness. Once the list is complete, you will have a valid inventory of your feelings and that will help you decide. Good luck. Don't go on the trip if you are still feeling used because you won't have any fun at all, and you might as well stay home and work or something.

Answer 5

there is always a way to fix it, if both parties want to. we can think we no longer want to save it, that we would be better off without them, but once it happens we completely change our minds. so go on the trip and at least try with it. it would be a mistake to leave the relationship when he is open to repairing it, he wants changes, he must love u very much to realize changes need to be made. you seem to be the one blocking it now. if u don't take this chance u will never know, so why regret later that u didn't try.

Answer 6

You say he is the true love of your life. And then when he wants to work on the relationship, you say there's nothing left to repair. HUH???
Have you got someone else waiting in the wings? You've got lots of reasons to work on repairing the marriage and no good reasons not to.
If you don't take a year to give it a chance you'll always regret it.

Answer 7

Remember: "This too shall pass."

Many tend to want to bail when the tides are rising. . .when in fact, that's the time when you should stay aboard the boat. Marriage operates in seasons. There's Fall where inspite of the warmness/attention your partner shows, you feel alone. Spring is a time we often refer to/describe as living as "roommates" or becoming like brother/sister. During the Summer, the passion is high and Winter, when you are actually alone (periods of separation).
One question I think you ought to mull over is "What R U looking 4 and Why? Your husband loves you enough to try to make things right. . . Maybe you think it's a little too late, but you married him (neither he, or anyone else you'll ever find will be PERFECT). Every situation is different, but more often than not, couples find distance growing when there's even the slightest hint of unforgiveness and/or resentment.

I'd experienced a distance moment when I thought I'd made a mistake in marrying my husband. It had gotten so bad for me that I had begun feeling as though I was sleeping with my brother (and I don't have a brother!). Four years passed by, and he'd gone from being my "brother" to me to a best-friend (which felt ackward), then to nearly disgusting me. . . That KILLED our sex life. So you can imagine how much stress was on both of us & our relationship. Now, it's been nearly 9yrs since we'd gotten married, and not only has our love grown but we've grown closer, maturer, wiser, loving, passionate, more understanding, communicable, etc. And you know what, it wasn't until this past year after we'd nearly fell apart (AGAIN!) that I realized, by the grace of a good GOD, that I hadn't let go of my past. . . I hadn't forgiven myself for my faults and failures, bad decisions, etc. My husband, of-course had his own revelations for and about himself. But it was mine for me that literally set me free.

You'll receive advice from all types of people from all over the globe. Some may agree with me, at least with the suggestion that you should work on the relationship; while others, will encourage you to walk away & not look back. But let me share one more thing with you that I've learned in my marriage and from older couples who've survived decades of marriage: there's no one better suited for you to be with than the man you've chosen to marry. It takes patience, prayer and perserverance, forgiving (inspite your feelings) and understanding to make a marriage work. Love is not a FEELING, it's Exact! You'll fall in and out of love with your mate (he'll experience the same) the longer you're together but that's not the glue that keeps it all together. . .The glue is your faith and where it lies. If you believe in God & know that all things are possible to him who believe. . . If you believe in God & know that if you delight yourself in Him he'll give you the desires of your heart. . . Then you'll find the strength and encourgement you're in need of.
So, that wasn't my last thought, but this is: you are a woman, he is a man-- His idea of affection is likely related to the occassional gift, a home, financial support & SEX. . as opposed to yours being hugs and kisses, holding hands etc. If you place your focus not on what he's doing wrong, if at all & begin to focus on his strengths, what made you fall for him to begin with, building him up/supporting his efforts. . .you'll be so busy being a steward of what you have you won't even notice what it is that you're lacking.

Answer 8

I suggest you try couples counseling before giving up on this relationship and also go on thist trip with him and have fun. Good luck to you. If after counseling it still does not work then move on with your life but try working it out if at all possible first.

Answer 9

Don't go on the trip if you aren't ready. You need time to think. It does sound like you will eventually seek another lover, but you need time.

Answer 10

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