I need some real help! My husband and I just had our second son a couple weeks ago, and I have noticed some serious changes in him ever since. He has never been what you might call...sensitive, or helpful, but he loves me very much. We are both young (23) and despite using VERY good birth control, now have two beautiful kids. Our first son is 16 months, and our second is 2 weeks old. My husband has always been an avid video game player, and can be rather childish and immature sometimes. We have always butted heads on issues like diapers, going to the grocery store, taking out the trash, and keeping the house clean. Basically I have to accomplish all these chores, or beg (literally) him to help with them for a couple days. Case in point, I am still recovering from the emergency c-section birth of our newest son, and there are six bags of garbage sitting out on the balcony, waiting to be taken out. I don't ask more than once, maybe twice a day because I don't want to be a nag.
So the main reason for this post...He is having a hard time dealing with our children. He has been losing his temper with our toddler quite frequently. He won't feed or change the new baby, even on nights when he has the next day off (which is the only time I ask him to do it)he won't feed the new baby a single bottle so that I can get a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep. On his day off he sits around the house playing video games, and insists that I play too, if we get interrupted in the middle of an 'important' part by one of the kids he gets angry and starts pouting like a child himself. He won't help with the dishes or anything else on his day off, he doesn't even pick up his own dishes. Even the days that I am having a really hard time, he won't help me when he gets home from work. He won't feed our toddler dinner, or get him ready for bed. He just comes home from work and launches himself right into an all evening session of World of Warcraft (which I play with him after the kids are in bed or napping just so that we do SOMETHING together). But when I decide to go to bed he gets upset because I can't stay up later.
I have tried to talk to him about this, his usual response is, "I hate this." "I hate having kids." "I hate babies.". Don't get me wrong, he can be a great father, for about three minutes at a time, after that he gets bored and loses interest in his kids. I love my husband, and I realize that having two unplanned kids in two years is stressful...but I'm the one that had to have them, take care of them everyday, and still take care of the house. I don't know what to do to make him happy. I honestly don't think that I can take on any more of the responsibility, It's already like I'm a single parent. Has anyone else dealt with this before, or any men that can give me advice on how to save my marriage, I love my husband dearly, but I fear we are headed for divorce if things don't change.
2007-03-04 02:42:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well.. and this is very good advice... Women and men mature at different times. He is right now going through the "Maybe i should have done this instead of the family thing" routine. When women do that, we cry or get depressed or get downright mean, when men do that, they show outward signs which usually to us women look like laziness and being insensitive to our needs.
If you stick with him, you will be doing him a great favor because in a few years he will put away his childish things and focus more on the family. If he doesn't by the time he is 28-30, then you two need to have a serious discussion about family values.
Right now, he does not want to hear about family values or love or what can be in the future. And telling him these things will be more of a nag than asking him repeatedly to take out the trash. I read above where one person said to basically nag and he will give in. Well.. that is not always so. Some men give in, and others walk away. However, usually when men are nagged they do the exact opposite. It is like telling a child what to do, and your husband is not a child, he is a grown man that is battling something within himself, just as us women do everyday.
I have noticed the exact same thing with my husband when we were younger and he did change his mind once our son started to have more of a personailty, believe it or not. When our son started coming to him with problems, and asking him questions and saying "i love you daddy", my husband's whole tune changed.
Him saying "I hate babies" ask him why he said that. He may or may not mean that.. but I am guessing he says things like that when you ask him to help you. getting him to help you with small things will be the beginning.... and how you do that is when you are changing the baby, purposely put the baby powder or diaper rash cream about 3 feet way, close to him and just say "Hey baby, can you please hand me that powder?" and when he comes over, he inadvertently has helped with changing the baby and gets around the baby more.
If he works, the last thing he wants after a hard day is to be ambushed by both kids. He needs time to relax. And he wants you to ask him how his day was. I do not know his schedule, but asking him to watch the little ones while you cook, or do something else for him is a good idea. That does three things.. brings him closer to the kids and makes him feel that he is taken care of and needed. But make sure he gets a good 30-45 minute breather after work before you ask him.
Sit with him, and do not bark at him or tell him how you feel.. ask him about him. He needs attention right now, especially with a new baby in the house. He needs to know that you still love him and that you can still care for him as well as caring for the children. Play a video game with him for 10-20 minutes, ask him if he wants to teach you a new game, look at his interests, which i see you play WOW with him.. that is awesome.. tell him you need help with it, but not too much.. see what I am saying? This makes him feel needed in an area that he can totally help you with. So he is needed successfully. Men are not as complicated as women want them to be ;)
And as for that trash, go ahead and take it out, but take it out when he is playing a video game or not doing anything to help, and do not say a word about it. Now, if you are hurt, call your brother, or ask a neighbor to help you.
Just remember that if you treat him the way you want to be treated at all times, things will run more smoothly. About the person who stated to bust up the video games, it would be like him busting up a decoupage or scrapbooking or whatever hobby you have just because you spend too much time with it. His video games are his release. Without that, he would be much worse.
Setting ultimatums does not work as well with a lot of men, as women think either. Again, treating your husband like a child is not good advice. He wants to know he is the master of the home, in control and on top of the situation... even if he isn't ;)
Your love and patience with him will overcome the situations. If he tries to fight you, or says hurtful things, calmly handle it by simply saying "why are you talking to me like this? are you okay?" That helps a lot as well. Focus on him when he is in these moods.And in return, I promise you and the children will get more and more attention as time passes.
I know it seems that by doing all of the above that your needs and your need for attention would be dimenished and that you are not getting what you deserve, however that is not so.... By talking to him and focusing on him, he will, in turn, be focusing on you by communiating back and inadvertently helping with the babies.
2007-03-06 02:16:43 · answer #1 · answered by Vita 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is immature to the point of being uncooked. He is telling you he feels overwhelmed by more responsibility than he can take. Funny thing that you asked for no feminists, its not a feminist problem except that dads are more apt to walk away than the mother is. He doesn't hate you or the kids, he hates the situation he is in, he wants to have no responsibilities.
I doubt he will want to go through what he will perceive as the hassle of divorce, more likely he will simply go stay with an unencumbered male friend.
You can't make him grow up and be responsible, and if you allow him to drift, he will be angry when you get tired enough of THREE kids, he won't understand why.
Go to counseling, together or separate, just go, you need a place to air your concerns, and to let him air his. If you can, hire a maid for a day or ask a relative or friend to help you move the garbage and things, you have a lot on your own head and no shoulder to rest it on.
2007-03-04 03:02:49 · answer #2 · answered by justa 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all, this is what happens when people get married and start a family before they're mature enough to handle it. Case and point: You husband would rather play VIDEO GAMES than take out the trash pile that's building up on your balconey! Being a husband and a MAN means helping to take care of your kids. I would love to meet ANYBODY face to face and have them try to tell me that they're too good to take care of their own children! I make six figures a year, 10 month old twins, and a stay at home wife. Yet there isn't a day that goes by where I don't change a diaper, warm a bottle, or go shopping with my wife to try to make things easier! If I can run two successful business AND help take care of my kids, then what's so important that he can't do the same? His high score on Donkey Kong? Like THAT'S something you can put on a resume or discuss at a job interview! BOTTOM LINE: you need to make it painful for him when he doesn't do what he is obligated to do. If that means being a nag then be a nag! Hide his video games! Tell him his top priority is being a husband & father, not a little F'ing kid that you have to clean up after too! If he's going to be a little kid, then treat him like one! (by the way, as I typed this I gave my babies two bottles and tucked them back in so that mommy could sleep in on Sunday morning!)
2007-03-04 02:54:33 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 7⤊ 0⤋
That is so not fair to your kids!! Sorry if he doesnt feel ready they are here! Put your kids first and what is best for them put you and him aside for now your kids dont have a voice. Sounds like u are doing good with this all but whats up with him..not even helping at all!?! Like he wants a mommy? Those kids are more important and thats what being a parent is all about. I have 3 kids and they have to come first your children are young and in alot of ways things will get harder your husband needs to jump on the wagon and help you out, its just not fair to u or the kids. I hope you guys can work it all out because divorce is a icky thing. He needs to grow up real quick here...good luck Mabey he is not sure how to be a parent? Ask him to work on that somehow in counseling or whatever will help him LEARN how to do this right for ur family!
2007-03-04 02:54:31 · answer #4 · answered by Angela H 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you try to talk with him straight and say that if it goes on this way then this marriage cannot work .And if he loves you dearly in the way you love him then I m sure no matter how immature he may be he'll try to work things out and make this marriage successful.Try to make him understand that he has got a responsibility now of a father which he love or hates must be taken seriously.Your husband's father surely may not have been like the way your husband is being right now.Ask him to think how would it have been if his father had been like what he is right now what if he had been treated in the way in which he is treating his son right now.You've got to put him is the same position in which your son is now make him realise how it feels to be treated like that by your own father .Hope fully it'll work and make him a responsible father .Good luck.
2007-03-04 03:15:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is hard! I did go through the same thing! My daughter is now 4 and i think he changed one diaper her whole life! There is not much you can do but talk to him! I couldnt take it and i left so I know how hard it can be for you! What i can say is maybe he will be better when the children are a little older! You can try to wait it out or see how he acts around children that are older that will answer your question! Wish you the best and hope you recover soon!You have your hands full!
2007-03-04 02:48:55 · answer #6 · answered by rere 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tell him to go get a vasectomy. He is stressing out that you are going to get pregnant again, real soon.
You may have been using very good birth control but you were not using it properly. In the meantime. Get on the pill and know how to use it properly and do it! Use a spermicide and use a rubber.
Babies are not for men generally. This is your time to bond with the children. His will come when they can throw a ball.
You take care of kids (everything) and tell him it is his duty to take care of the maintenance on the house and take out the garbage and stuff like that. If you need help hire a house cleaner. You deserve it. All of our time is going towards the kids and he feels neglected. Husbands are always like another child during this time. You had them, you take care of them. AND learn to use the bc properly!
2007-03-04 03:08:50 · answer #7 · answered by lily 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Ok.....my husbad and I went through the same thing when our first daughter was born. It is almost like they get jealous because all your attention now goes to the kids. But it sounds like you husband is a little immature and is acting like a child himself which you dont need!!!
I think that you and your husband need to have a serious talk without the tv on and when the kids are in bed. He might be going through a bit of depression especailly since both the kids were not planned. Tell him that you are getting totally exhausted and that the kids are his as well and he needs to help out more and leave the video games untill the kids are in bed. I hope this helps you a little. I know how frustrating this can be! I have gone through it myself. Good Luck!!
2007-03-04 02:51:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think this is pretty normal for most men when they are young. I know it is a lot of work for you but I don't think you will be able to change his mindset. Your children are very lucky to have such a great mother. Some men just aren't able to handle babies very well and aren't good caregivers. I feel sorry for you and hope he will grow up soon. I would bust up the video games if it were me.. that would drive me crazy.
2007-03-04 05:23:11 · answer #9 · answered by Tink 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That does sound very stressful for you* You both are still quite young and for some women , we can take on alot and grow up along the way taking care of our kids.
You knew this when you had the first child...that he doesn't take any responsibilities other than going to work and playing video games.
He hates the fact that you both don't have any time together and everytime he wants to "play video games"...you're interupted with your children.
I think HE has alot of growing up to do...HE needs to take responsibility and help out around the house more. If you've had this talk till you're blue in the face ....about having major surgery..you can't lift things...and can't do everything on your own, you need his help....also......That garbage needs to be taken out or you'll end up getting rats/bugs etc* Not healthy for your children or for either one of you* He NEEDS to get up off his butt and take it out or you'll unplug the system till he does*~
He seems like he's very lazy and immature* He can still have fun playing his games, but YOU need to tell him straight out..NOT ASK....that he better start helping out around the house* Tell him you've asked nicely several times and it's not getting done. IF YOU end up lifting all that garbage out., you'll end up in hospital from tearing your insides from lifting ........therefore he'll be at home with both children until you're able to go back home. I'm sure he'll grump about it...but like I said..He needs to GROW UP and take responsibility* Tell him you feel you're a single parent....looking after 3 kids* (him being the biggest baby of them all)
GOODLUCK*
2007-03-04 02:53:51 · answer #10 · answered by friskymisty01 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋