Would you forgive this?

Question

When my oldest son was 13 he got into the habbit of beating up on his little sister9. He was sneaky and cruel. He was hitting her in her breasts and on her face to leave marks so he could brag about it at school. I tried everything i knew of to fix the situation!Any way i thought about it and thought well when i was a kid, we would get a switch around our butts and we learnt our lesson! I still love and respect my parents and do not resent it ....so i warned him, and next time he did it i sent him to his room while i calmed down, then went and got a switch from the tree, and pulled his pants down put him over my knee and wopped him abot 4-5 times.He ended up with one tiny 2-3 cm long bruise. Later that night when we were in bed a policeman knocks on the door--he had gone out and reported me! And added a lot of lies to the story. I admitted it and told the police that i did not do it in anger...well that was a mistake they called it premeditated assult on a family member.

Any way it went to court and he went to live with gran ma. where he was spoilt, and ran off the rails big time. he was drinking and not going to school ect, but by the time the six mths was up he was 14 and could legaly decide(AUSTRALIA) where he wanted to live. So why come home where there is rules? I should add that we were close up untill all of this and i am a damm good mother. And have never hit my kids before.Any way he quit school and now lives in brisbane(city) alone and is living in a guys house while he is in jail!! And he has not spoken to me or his siblings since. How could he do this and have no remorse, he knows that i was always there for him he had a good loving secure life!! I dont know where i went wrong!What do you think of this and would you forgive him if he ever knocks on the door?

Answer 1

That's horrible, I can't believe someone would do that to his own mother. If you told the police the truth and they still pressed charges, there doesn't seem to be a way out of that. I suggest taking your son to counseling though. He is abusive to his sister, and in that way he committed the same "crime" as you did, if that's what the police insist on calling it. The poor girl must be scared to death, especially if she knows that you tried to put an end to it and got in trouble with the law yourself.
As for your question, should you forgive that...not until he understands what he's done, apologizes, and changes. 13 is plenty old enough to know better and have control over his actions.

Answer 2

What is the point of holding a grudge against your son? How will that show him a mother's love?. How will that bring happiness to either of you?

At some point you will have to really face up to the parts of this story you have not told in your question. It is not in the nature of a thirteen year old boy to abuse his nine year old sister. He had to have experienced something in his young life that made him very angry.

A "switch around our butts" is abuse and it is usually the case that children abused by their parents retain suppressed anger and go on to abuse their own kids. When they are not abusing their kids, the chances are that they are depressed and/or addicted.

Rather than worry about your child's behavior it is time to look at our own, with the help of someone experienced in these things, possibly someone who had been an abuser, admitted it and came through it.

I understand if my response to your question is not what you were looking for but what you describe is an emergency situation. Now is the time for you to deal with this before anyone else, including you, gets hurt further.

Answer 3

God, I feel bad that you have experienced this loss.
I really hope there is a solution to this problem. He is not in a good place if 1) the house he is living in belongs to a guy in prison and 2) he is living independently with the history that he has.
You did what you did because of what he was doing to his sister. I have to believe that your underlying motive was to protect her.
It's hard to influence him when he is away from you. You can stand strong with your house rules (no violence, no drugs, no drinking) and still let him know that the door is open. He may one day want to come back, with the knowledge that he can't bring his bad habits with him. In which case, yes, I'd just be glad to see him and welcome him with open arms.
Keep in touch with him even if just birthday cards. Deep down, even though he has hardened from all of his experiences, he wants your love and needs it. Don't make a big deal of it - just be there in the background, acknowledging that you care that he's OK.

Answer 4

something that got here about over 25 years in the past rather a lot ruined my existence. each and anytime i concept about it, the hatred again. even inspite of the truth that the guy to blame in no way requested for my forgiveness, i ultimately did. somebody else in contact did ask and by technique of that aspect I had enable flow of the animosity. There are some issues which take position in existence that could in no way be forgiven or forgotten. i'm happy I chosen to no longer enable it smash what years I particularly have left.

Answer 5

Well, I am sorry that you have been through so much terror. You sound like a great mother. These days it takes a brave person to punish their kids in such a way. And it is very sad that he has done such cruel and brutal things to your daughter. If he ever does decide to come back, I would forgive him. Jesus Christ died on the cross for all of our sins -- He forgives us everyday. But, I would definitely call the police if he ever tries to beat up you or your daughter. And keep your eye on him.

Best of Luck!

Answer 6

I don't believe in hitting children for any reason especially with a weapon. You should of taken him to a DR or got him some professional help to see why this boy was abusing his sister,he sounds very angry and frustrated and he needs the help. I think you should also take some parenting classes and anger management too. You,your son and your daughter need some help to get through all the chaos.

Answer 7

Biblically everything that you have done is right. So in the eyes of THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN JUDGE YOU, you have not erred. There is a proverb that says to train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. The time is going to come when he gets OLDER and he'll remember the things you taught him. YES I would forgive that on both of your parts. He was a REBELLIOUS child and if he hasn't apologized to you then he is still lost in rebellion. How old is he now. Stop feeling guilty about disciplining your child. We all need discipline. Pray for your child and follow your heart. You as a damned good mother must trust your instincts, forgive him and trust that things will get better if you hope for them to. Forgiveness will only make you bitter, sad, weak and mad. Forgiveness sets us free. Hope things get better between you and your son and that his sister has forgiven him, too. Peace.

Answer 8

i think that maybe your son needed a little bit of attention from you...i don't mean In harsh way. i think maybe you should have gotten down to the root of his problem. he may have had a problem that he needed to talk to you about and his only way to show that he had a problem was getting into trouble. and i am not saying that you are a bad mom or anything like that, but most of the time the child needs to talk to a parents , but they feel that you would respond in a negative way so they act out with hope that you would ask whats wrong.

Answer 9

Don't waste another moment with these feelings of guilt. You know in your heart you have a been a good mother, and the one incident with a switch doesn't change that fact. Many will argue with any form of discipline like a small ruler applied to a little palm or a switch, like the one my grandma used to make be break and bring to her, but I don't think it harmed me in any way. We aren't discussing any form of abuse here! Sounds like your son is a very difficult child who needs assessment and maybe ever medication, I don't know. I would have probably done worse had he injured his sister in this way. I would consider writing him an honest, loving letter and yes, I would open my door and my arms to him in a minute. Right now, he seems to be a very rebellious, troubled young man. Assure him that you love him, let him know you are always there to help and guide him, and tell him your door is open to him, but you must maintain peace in your home and a loving environment for each of your children. I will remember you in my prayers, sister.

Answer 10

I am so sorry I really think you didn't do anything wrong if he comes to your door I would forgive but not let him live with you and I know you love him but that is awful for what he made you go through don't feel bad.