I need advice on a moral question.....?

Question

I am 21 years old and have been married two years. We are expecting our first son in August. I did not meet my dad until I was 18 and my parents hate each other. My dad was at my wedding and mom did not attend due to their problems which was heartbreaking for me. When my dad found out I was pregnant he stated he and my mom could not be there at the same time (of course) and he thinks he should be there at the birth and I should lie to her and state I went into labor in the middle of the night and have her come the next day. Heres a twist my mom has been sick for a few years and a couple weeks ago was givin six months to live. I feel like I am being torn in two many directions and I am at my end. I honestly do not know what to do. Am really obligated to anyone? In my head my dad was at the wedding so my mom should be there for the able to be at the birth especially now she does not have long with the baby. What is your opionion on the RIGHT thing to do. Im so confused. Thanks so much!

I wanted to possiably put my sons middle name as William. My moms grandparents, my great grandparents whom i was very close to both died in the last two years. Their last name was Williams. I wanted to honor them through my son. My dad has forbidded me to name my son that. He said if I name my son after anyone on my moms son he and his side of the family will be angry. Is it wrong of me to still be considering it?

Answer 1

I have read most of your questions. All of them made me cry. First of all, I am angry for you. I have no right to be, as I don't know you, but I am very emotional person and you ?'s have me in tears. First of all, nobody has any right to tell you who you can name your child after. If you spent most of your childhood growing up with your grandparents, while he was out and about, who is he to judge who you love and who you are attached too. If you heart is telling you to name your baby boy after your loving grandparents, you go ahead. There is a reason why grandparents are named grandparents. they are GRAND and they are PARENTS:) You know what I mean right? Anyway. I don't know where your heart lies with either of your parents. But I can tell you that the letter you wrote was wonderful. I would maybe read it a couple of times and sleep on it and re-read it tomorrow and see if you missed anything or want to delete anything. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I will pray for you my little expecting child and hopefully the Good Lord will have your answer soon. Your parents truly need to get over the past... why live in the past when you have so much to look forward to. And with your mother being ill, you may want to just talk to her, really talk to her, tell her how you feel about everything and ask her everything you ever wanted to ask her. Time goes by so fast and 6 months goes by faster than we can imagine. I hope whatever she has someone finds a cure for her. you have gone thru a lifetime of pain already. Your new bundle of joy will be a nice change. And I praise you for trying to break the cycle of madness with your own child. you have a beatiful soul and you will be a wonderful mother. If you would like to email me I'm at [e-mail]

Answer 2

First I would tall your dad to grow up and start acting like an adult. If he is going to cause problems for you maybe it isn't worth all the headaches, and yes I do know how mean that sounds especially coming from a total stranger.

Your mom doesn't need this stress from him either.

About the name, it is totally up to you. My son is not named after anyone on either side, though his middle name is the same as his cousin's first name, but that was coincidence and for different reasons. If we have a second boy he will be named with family names on my father's side. My dad's middle name, he passed away 9 years ago this summer. and his mother's mother's maiden name. If you father has only decided to be in your life over the last few years I would actually be inclined to tell him where to go. Where does he get the nerve thinking that he should be the one in the delivery room when he already taken being at your wedding away from your mother. Tell him to either grow up or get lost. It is hard, I know, but you don't need this stress either. I would tell your dad the same line he wants you to tell your mom. Get your mom in there with you. My mom and my husband were there for the birth of our son and I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

I wish you luck on this, no one should have to deal with such crap, especially during pregnancy. Take care of you and your little one during this time.

Answer 3

I personally think that it's horrible that they still put themselves before you. Both of them are being incredibly selfish and no you are not obligated to either. If you have to choose, I would go with the parent that was there for you your entire life. The one that nurtured you, raised you, paid for your every need. And I would definitely give your mom the priority considering the circumstances. She won't be around to see her grandchild grow up. You won't have another opportunity to spend such a precious time together. Your mom can actually be in the delivery room with you...Would you want your dad in there?

Your dad is showing some incredibly cruel characteristics by asking you to purposely lie to your mother as to make her miss your baby's birth. Should make you wonder if that's not one of the reasons he wasn't around for 18 years. Regardless of the past, I can't believe that either would still be so selfish as to disregard your feelings for theirs....but to lie to a dying woman and intentionally make her miss one of the most precious moments in a mother's life (the day her sweet daughter has her own baby) OH that goes too far.

I feel for you and I hope and pray that they will put their selfish feelings aside to make this a joyous event for you. The last thing you need is more stress with pregnancy and your mother's time coming to an end.

PS Be sure to talk to your mom about heaven before it's too late. It's always comforting to know where you will be when you die. Makes the whole painful process a little easier.

Answer 4

wow! you are in quite the dilema aren't you?
First of all, your mom is the only mom that you will ever have biologically. and for the fact that she has been diagnosed with not having long to live, I think if it were me in your shoes, I would spend as much time with her as possible, because before you know it, she may cross over, and if you don't take advantage of her being in your life right now, you will never be able to make it up, or get that time back.
Your dad will be there, and if he is any kind of a man at all, he should understand.
why can't they just both get along for the sake of their children and let there problems between them go?
you are having their grandchild, and they both have equal rights to that grandchild.
If it were me, I would rather have my mom there during the birth of my child, more then my father. its just a woman thing. I would of felt uncomfortable if my dad would of been there when I had my children.. but moms, they have a natural talent for new borns and you should ask as many questions as possible so that you know what to expect when it come s to collic, stomach aches, teething, walking, talking .. all that stuff that comes with raising a child, your mother raised you, not your fathjer it sounds like,
give her the up most respect. first.. then your father. that is after all what his own actions did for you..

Answer 5

Is it just me, or is your dad kind of being a dick? He didn't come into your life until you were 18. We don't know the circumstances involved, but either way, he wasn't there for the formative years of your life. Your mom was. On the other hand, she was kind of a dick too, because she put her bitter feelings towards your dad before an extremely important day in your life. The important thing to remember is that this baby is YOURS and not theirs- neither of them should have any say in whether the other should be there for the big day. That's your decision. If it were me, I'd tell both of them to leave their petty bickering at home, death bed or not, and have the baby without them present. They can then each pick different times to visit you in the hospital. The right thing to do is what's going to be right for you and your husband. There's no sense in trying to please two people who have not made the effort to please YOU. I realize they're both your parents and that you love them both. I'm also sure they both love you, but I'm a total stranger with the ability to see things from a different perspective. You deserve better treatment from both of them. Best wishes for August!

Answer 6

You are an adult, you can name the baby anything you want. Your Dad sounds controling and unreasonable. Dont tell him your name choice until it is a done deal, he will get used to it. Likewise if you want you should invite both parents to the delivery event. And then inform them both that you have invited the others. Tell each of them that if they have a problem with it to contact eachother and work it out, but that you are not going to let them use you to get at one another. Then another suggestion is that when you arrive at the hospital, confide in your labor nurse what is going on and that there may be potential conflicts. A good labor nurse will be able to control the situation and if it gets out of hand, she will call hospital security. That almost always gets everyone to act civil. You are caught in the middle of a situation where you dont need to be at this time in your life, and it is not fair for either of them to spoil your big day.Make sure that they know that you will have your way.

Answer 7

I really feel for you. I wouldn't lie to your Mom because that could always come out and you would have a bigger mess on your hands. You are not obligated to anyone, remember this is your moment.....I don't know how close you are with your Dad, but I would consider sharing this moment with your Mom as she is sick...but, I would try to do things as diplomatically as you can as you will want and need support from both of your parents. August is far enough away, that I would not stress too much about it right now, see how things go and don't be afraid to ask your husband to stand up for you....he can always say that he wants it to be a private moment between the two of you and that your parents and his will be welcome after the birth....

I hope you are able to work this out without too much stress, and I will say from experience, I wanted my Mom to be near after the birth of my children. I hope this helps you.

Answer 8

What happened between your parents had NOTHING to do with you.. they need to put their differences aside for your sake and the sake of their grandbaby.
If they were worth thier salt they would not be asking you to take sides or demanding that you not name your child after a family member. Your parents are being totally unreasonable and very selfish. They could have put their differences aside for one day to attend your wedding.
I would talk to them both and tell then that you will not put up with their behaviour anymore. Give them an ultimatum.. You both support me in the way that I need and want and put your differences aside for the moment, or they don't need to be a part of your life.
They are using you as a pawn in their stupid games.
Darlin I hope this helps you.

You really do desrve much better from your parents. Perhaps tell them that because they cannot unload their baggage that you are going to ask your In-Laws for support during this time and leave them right out of it... That might wake them up.
You should be enjoying your pregnancy and all they are doing is causing you undue stress, whcih can also have an adverse effect on your unborn baby.

God Bless You,

Sharon

Answer 9

do what you want. I am 31 year old single mom that is having a second child that I can support and raise very well. My family is religious and thinks I should have a ring on my finger. So I don't let them see me pregnant. I refuse to be ashamed of my beautiful baby bump, so they can stay away if they make me feel like I should repent. Then I wanted a home birth and they all got negative without even educating themselves. My mom kept talking about coming up the hospital and staying for at least 2 days. I want a home birth. I don't want religious judgement in my home. So I am torn. Do I do what I want. Or what my mom watns? I want my mother there, but I want my own choices to be supported. I want my mothers love, help and support. But I also want to feel emotionally safe and comfortable in my own life and decisions without people shaking their head at me. So based on my expereinces... I say "it is your life girl, do what you want". My mom doesn't know I am having a home birth until after (I led her to believe that it will be in the hospital so I could have peace of mind when she is around). And I told her she is most likely not coming up to stay when the baby is born. She made her choice. She made me choose between her and me. I chose me! It was hard, but I feel free.... almost... I still wish I had a mom that I could open up to. Do YOUR thing. It is YOUR life. YOU do not derserve guilt.

Answer 10

Write a letter and give a copy to your mom and a copy to your dad.

Tell them that you refuse to be put in the middle anymore, torn between the two of them, forced to make decisions, while they act like fighting children and cause you stress. Let them know that from now on, they are BOTH invited to EVERY occassion and you will hear nothing further of how they feel about each other. If they choose to miss an amazing moment in life, that's their own problem.

The fact that your mom missed your wedding leads me to believe she has serious issues.