Was my reaction the wrong one?

Question

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and he has two wonderful boys with a woman he was with for over 12 years. When he told his boys and their mother that he was getting married, she later commented "Oh, so I have until February to stop the wedding?" My then husband to be shrugged it off but it bothered me. This evening he informed me that he had called to talk to they boys and talked to her about us having them for the school year and during that conversation she told him that she still loved him. When he told me this, it bothered me a little but I tried to shrug it off but the more I thought about it, the more aggitated it made me at her and then we ended up having a huge argument about it. It's not that I think he is going to leave me for her, it's the fact that she would have the audacity to say something like this to him when she knew I wasn't home. My husband didn't understand why I was so upset because it didn't bother him. Was my reaction wrong?

I forgot to add that my husband doesn't have any feelings towards his ex and has no desire to get back with her under any circumstances and since it doesn't bother him he feels that it shouldn't bother me.

Answer 1

The first thing you need to know is you are not wrong and you are not right either.

You are having some deeper thoughts of losing him period.

This shows me that you are deeply in love with him and you do not want to lose him.

I am a man, and I was married for 14 years with my first wife, and I am happily married with my second now.

It is a very hard decision for some fathers to leave, and based on what you stated in your question, he is very concerned about his sons living with his ex.

Just as I was. My current wife is always afraid of other woman trying to get me, and I understand that most woman think this.

You usually can tell if a man is totally into you, if when you two go out, does he notice other woman, or does he dismiss them altogther. Is he focused on you? This will help you to understand his thinking. Does he place your needs before his.
This means he cherishes you and has no desire to seek or look for other woman.

You need to focus on his actions all the time, but look for the good things he does - things that make you apprieciate him.

You should apologize for your actions if he is extremely hurt by your thoughts and feelings of insecurity.

your life together is still new, try to embrace it and focus on having a great wedding.

All the best and congratulations.

Answer 2

Don't let it worry you to much. Honestly, I would have been pissed about the comments this woman has made (stopping the wedding, she loved him) for she had her chance with him and it didn't work. In reference to your reaction, I think I would have taken a different route in terms of blowing it up into a argument. Since the arugument has taken place, now it is time to make things right and find a solution. I suggest you first apologize to your husband about the argument and let him know that you was upset about the comment this woman made. Secondly, let him know that you no longer want to hear the negative comments this woman is making for it makes you upset and you all do not need negativity in the marriage especially from an ex. Lastly, you all enjoy your marriage and let this woman continues to sit and be miserable and envy what she could've had. If she was smart, she would move on with her life. Take care and I hope all works out with you and hubby.

Answer 3

You ARE over-reacting to this. You should be happy that you have a husband who is willing to tell you everything that he says to his ex. Anyone with any sense can see that his ex clearly is jealous of your marriage and wants your husband back. That's why she is saying all of that stuff to your husband. She's trying to get to him...and make you mad in the process by having him tell you all that stuff. She's acting immature.

He's reacting the way he is because he knows what she's saying is a bunch of BS; otherwise he would be still with her. However, if he hasn't done so, he needs to let his ex know to cut out the BS and respect you and his new marriage. You also need to stop getting so upset when he talks to you about what was said between him and the ex. The last thing you need is for him to stop communicating with you. That will only cause more problems.

You also need to learn how to be polite toward her because he has to deal with her until the kids are grown.

Answer 4

Okay I feel you. No, there's nothing wrong with your reaction. I take it you were not violent and that the argument ensued due to a lack of understanding on his part. Because he has no feelings for her, he feels it's not a big deal. The only problem is, yes it was sneaky of her to go there when he is remarried, and while you were not around. On the other hand, why would she tell him that with you standing near? We must admit that wouldn't make too much sense either.

But you are right in your feelings of anger and frustration. My concern is this...what is his reason for telling you that they had that conversation? And there is a reason, definitely. Does he think he's being considerate by letting you know her feelings? Or is he trying to make you a little jealous? Better yet, does he want you to confront her about any of this? Basically what is his reason for revealing such information?

Good luck. Sometimes men, no matter how mature, like the cat fight, or making of one. You are bound to him now, no matter how many kids they have, or what her feelings are. You have every right to confront her if you choose to do so, and you have every right to let him know that you will not argue about her in the future, in other words...you demand a drama free atmosphere beginning with his actions. Tell him to handle that sh*t before it gets ugly. Good luck again...

Answer 5

First, try not to let what she says bother you. It sounds like she has a case of "not wanting what she had until it's gone". She probably feels threatened a little because what was once her domain is being "taken over" by another woman. If he doesn't love her anymore then don't worry about it and don't let it cause arguments between you and your husband because then she gets what she wants. 'Those who anger you control you' don't let that happen. I would also ask your husband why he chose to tell you what she said. What was his motive in doing that? He should have known it would upset you and had no right to get angry at you. Good luck!

Answer 6

You have every right to be upset. Not at him, at her. She is pathetic. I would find it funny if my husbands ex told him that. There is a reason he is not with her. There is a reason he is with you. Just let this one slide. You being the new wife, you will learn the ropes on how to get under her skin. That is all she is doing. Be nice to her. Do not let her know she has got to you. That is all she wants.

I remember one conversation that I had with my husbands ex. She was talking about my husband when they had gotten married. I said yeah, Scott told me that he felt obligated to marry you, since you were pregnant with your second child from him, and didn't want to be an unwed mother again. I also kindly mentioned how his whole family was against it, and that made him want to prove them wrong.

Get my drift? You will find your own ways to get back at her, and yet be her best friend as well. Good luck!

Answer 7

Do you know for sure that your husband has no desire for her? No disrespect, some men (and women) will say things just to shut the spouse up or to keep them from thinking that they still have a chance with the ex. But to answer your question, no I don't think it was wrong for you to act this way. She has made a comment (stopping the wedding) in the past so this shows that she definitely wants him back.

Answer 8

Your feelings are completely understandable. However, your reactions are only going to accomplish one thing: Cause friction between you and your husband. You sure won't be able to change her, no matter how justified you are in what you're feeling.

And you won't be able to change your husband, because he has to maintain contact with this woman since he also has to maintain contact with his children.

The only thing you can change is how you react to this. You knew when you married him that there was another woman permanently in his life...and they had children together, which means permanent contact if he's any kind of father at all. Sometimes ex-wives don't play fair, and even under ideal circumstances there is going to be a strain......unless you choose to ignore it and focus on something else....

One of the things you have to focus on is your husband and his lack of feeling for his ex-wife. If he isn't moved by her professions of love then you have alot to be thankful for. (Presumably she was telling him she loved him right up until the day he walked out the door, and apparently it wasn't enough to make him stay then.) You'll have to trust it won't be enough to make him return to her now......so if you want to keep peace in your household and trust in your marriage, I'm afraid it's going to be a case of "put up and shut up".

If you want to fight about it, then she's won the war, even if she never gets him back. Don't let her stupidity come between the two of you. She'll find someone else to make miserable soon enough.....

Good luck to you!

Answer 9

Heck, I can't even understand why you got upset. That woman has no control/say what-so-ever in your life with your husband, why are you letting her win by reacting in such a way to her? She probably knew that such a thing would get your goat, and boy did it ever. Get over it, ignore the b*tch, and get on with your life with your new husband and don't take your feelings for her out on him.

Just remember, he's with you now, not her. After all, there were probably some pretty good reasons as to why he isn't with her anymore and doesn't have any feelings at all for her anymore.

Answer 10

I think a big problem with second marraiges is that the second wife lots of time can't see or understand (unless she's been married before herself) that those two people had something special at one time, regardless of how it may have ended. Trust is what you have to have and maturity to make your relationship work, even moreso when you are marrying someone who has children and a lengthy past with another person.

So, yes, I think your reaction was wrong. He told you about it, didn't he? Trust!! trust!! that's about all you can do.