Will I do it? Child abuse?

Question

I was child molested as a child when i was like about 9 years old. It has never bothered me before. I mean sometimes it has but i have gotten over it. A Couple months ago. I just had thoughts that I was doing something bad to a child, but I feel so bad that I even had that thought. I am not at all attracted to kids but I feel so guilty that I even thought such horrible thoughts. I love kids and wants to have kids of my own. I am just so scared what is wrong with me. I am feeling so guilty how can I think like that. My friends and husband think that I am sitting idle at home and it happened to me when I was small child and I am thinking too much. They say when I get a job I'll be fine. Now it has been a few months since I had thought those thoughts,I feel so bad but i just feel so disgusted with myself, what kind of person am i? I am pretty sure in myself i wud never do something like this but i am feeling so sick with myself how can I even think of it. What should I do?

Answer 1

Hello, hope you are feeling a bit better. I agree with some of the answers above. Since you have been abused, the thought of you molesting a child is common. I and friends of mine who went through a similar situation as yours had the same thing happen. The thought and then, the complete disgust, self-hatred, shame, there are many reasons as to why it happens. Child abuse is very keen at the macabre. It creeps up slowly, sometimes a life time, and before you know it, your entire self is controled by it. You only see yourself via this particular event/trauma. Eventhough you were not aware of it at the time, the consequences of your trauma have shaped its particular imprints. they include: self-hatred, shame, disgust, and more. Each individual is different and the signs of child abuse will manifest differently. Some will experience much later in life, some sooner. Also, the reactions are different: range from ultra-achiever to drop-out, suicidal, drug addicts,.... so, I think you should try not to panic (i know it's hard), surround yourself with people whom you trust, speak to a good friend (to avoid depression) and as soon as you can, seek help-professional that is. It is my understanding that as long as someone does not face the trauma, he/she will be trapped in his child abuse experience, will live it and re-live it in different ways until then. best of luck to you

Answer 2

As this has already happened to you it would be quite natural for those thoughts to already be in your mind - and i don't mean in a "i want to do it" way I mean as in it's not 'news', this is not something that's come out of the blue as a subject, it's been part of your life for so long. Stop beating yourself up about this, you are the victim, you have been put in this predicament. What you can do though is try and address the past issues. I would highly recommend a pschologist session or two, they will not be at all surprised by anything you are saying and will reassure you as to why this happened and how to deal with it all. The problem with child abuse is that as children we do not know any different and when we reach maturity in adulthood we realise the full horror of what happened to us - but it's all done in a very displaced way and that's when all the problems start. If you don't have really wise friends or relatives to talk to in confidence about this then please go to a psychologist who will tell it like it is, no messing around, they get down to the nitty gritty and you will feel a new lease of life. Remind yourself that you are a good person, you are right to be reviled by that thought but you know that already, just don't be surprised that it happened, understand that you are only human and were exposed to things you should never have been as a child. God bless.

Answer 3

Like you, I was molested. I was also physically abused. You probably won't abuse however, because you have these thoughts - working or not - you may have anger issues that have been suppressed all these years. It would be horrible to have them come to a head with your own children or someone elses. My advice...talk with a therapist. I was also raped, several times. I thought I was over it. Come to find out...I wasn't. Some things in my behavior made this obvious...but I couldn't see it. Today, I'm fine but I wrote about my abuse and sought counseling. Both worked wonders. Talk to a counselor. If you can't afford one, e-mail me through this forum and I'll let you talk with someone for free via e-mail. And, if you want to read my story first, the title of my book is Don't Cry for Me. You'll see that Adrina Blue is my user name, not my real name ;-).

You never have to relive your past again. Learn from it - don't live in it. Good luck.

Answer 4

If you don't want to you won't. I too was abused as a child and even though sometimes my anger comes out unexpectedly, I've never hit anyone bad enough (I do playfight sometimes, but that's when others start it).

You are probably just really confused right now. Have you seen any shrinks? I suggest you don't unless you know they are good. I went to a few and they all were horrible. I think my anger grew worse because of them. I hope you get through this. This is not an easy thing to go through, especailly if this happened to you at age 9.

Answer 5

The feelings you are experiencing are not unusual, considering your history. The first thing you need to recognize is that you must be a pretty good and kind person to feel so terrible about the thoughts you had.
I encourage you to get some counseling. I believe the reason the molestation came up again is because it hasn't been dealt with. A counselor can help you and teach you how to deal with the terrible things that happened to you as a child. Good luck.

Answer 6

First of all I don't think you ever got over your abuse. You say it didn't bother you but how could something like that not bother you. I think your in denial and repressed your emotions. You have some of your own problems to work out from your past. I think you might be thinking about that because you are thinking about your abuse, but in a different way because it is too painful for you to actually think about it. You don't seem like you would abuse a child because you know it is wrong and are disgusted about your thoughts. All I can say is keep your mind busy so you don't think like that, and just keep thoughs thoughts, thoughts.

Answer 7

hi.
becoming a child abuser is something they say to be a chemical imbalance of the mind, and that if it has happen to you then you may do it to someone, that is the opinion of some scientist . then there are ones who say that your life id what you make of it if you had it done to you doesn't mean that you will do it to someone else. i for one agree with the latter of the two. just because someone was sick enough to do that to you and made you feel that it was your felt, you need to know that it was not your felt you were just a child and did not understand the ramifications of his/her action.so how were you to know if what was happening to you was spouse to happen or not an adult told you that it was okay and you believe him/her, and yes it may have happen more than once because by now you are afraid, and scared to say something for what ever reason there maybe. but now you are an adult and you get to make the decisions as to what you should or should not do. you get top chose wrong or right. how many kid you want and how they are to be raised. you get to protect them make there lives happy or sad. you get to decided to brake the cycle of pain that the someone put you through. the cycle can go on through or you can chose to stop it through love ,understanding,caring and peace. it all lies in your hands.

Answer 8

Atonement is better than repenting. Your plight expresses that you are a nice person having humanitarian feelings. Emotions are indispensable but do not let them take you out of your proper channel. Every body faces one or some tragedies like you have faced but self-hypnotize you and suggest your mind that it was a mistake and mistakes can be removed and forgotton. Forget the bitter experiences and live life in good spirits. Your friends and husband are right somewhere. Be overbusy with your job, love children and have children

Answer 9

One, this is completely normal. U still feel guilty because this was done to you. Two if it is bothering you u should seek just a talk therapist to help you get through. Make sure to tell yourself that you are not like that and you don't want to be like that. You need to get over what happened to you. The best way to do that is probably seek professional help. Tell yourself your not like that and get talking. God bless you and good luck.

Answer 10

There came a lot of good answers.I think that going to a proffesional is the right thing to do.These obsessive thought can be dangerous if they are not dalt with.You are really courageous who came out with such a problem.But it is important to do something with it.