Is it okay?

Question

I'm kind of a man-hatter (many many man problems in my past). I'm just sort of getting through the phase, and I've developed an attraction to someone. I don't ever talk to him (except once, he just asked a question). We are both in college, and I want to focus more on a career rather than a man in my life right now. I don't want to be afraid of him right now, but I get really nervous and I want to run away from him sometimes. He sits behind me or across from me in some classes. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal or what?!

I've tried being a lesbian. Didn't work out! I was abused by an important male figure in my life. I won't say who!

Answer 1

Of course it's normal, but be very careful not to hook up with anyone who will abuse you in any way. If you have a history of hooking up with abusers, and you're attracted to "bad boys" then what you should look for is someone who does NOT seem like "your type" if that makes any sense.

Answer 2

It is normal (Except for the running away part; lol). It's normal to not want a new relationship after so many crappy ones. But you don't even know if he's worth the trouble yet!

Perhaps take the time to strike up a real conversation with him; based on your past experiences, you'll know within a couple minutes whether or not he's worth the mind-job, or if he's even your type. He may be cute, but in the long run, you have to have things in common.

If, in the end, you think you are compatible, just stay balanced. It won't kill your career goals to go on a date or two. It might be good for you. :)

Answer 3

Well see I think that maybe you are into the "bad guys" for whatever child hood trauma. This guy is not a bad guy but you like him to a certain extent. Seeing as he is probably interested in you, you are finding excuses not to get too close to him in any way. So it is normal but at some point you should realize that and move away from that behavior. And one good way to start is by doing by what Dr. Drew says, if you really like someone don't go for them because they are the person who will hurt you. Go for the one you sort of like because they are the ones who will make you happy in the long run.

Answer 4

Of course its okay. Your nervous and scared its your fight or flight reponse kicking in *self explainitory*...just relax when he gets by or start a conversation with him..Mild at first then you can start from there. and dont' worry if you feel a little odd..but if you feel too uncomfortable then get out of the situation for that period of time and try again later...but above all don't give up...just give it some time...youll work your way out of it..

Answer 5

Well I think you are smart to focus on achieving your goals. I also think that if he is a good guy and you get the tingles around him, you will kick yourself in the butt later for not taking a chance. Just keep your head, focus on school, but be nice to him and see where it goes. Good men are hard to find.

Answer 6

It sounds like you are just nervous, and also...since you claim that you are a "man-hater" you have probably conditioned yourself to be uncomfortable around men...and this situation is challenging you.

What I'd do is just try to talk to him. Possibly ask him to study or go to an event on campus?

Answer 7

You aren't afraid of him, but you are of the feelings you have for him; whatever your decision, make it soon! Ask yourself before you go to sleep tonight: "Should I let him know I'm interested?" Otherwise someone else will get him first.

Answer 8

Chrishound- how about an answer not a dissertation.

Filmbabe- if you admittedly hate men so much, maybe you should consider converting to a lesbian.

I'm not being faceitious here- think about it.

Answer 9

ooh someone has a crush

Answer 10

Young People Ask . . .

Who Says It’s Just a Crush?

“DID you ever have a crush on someone when you were a teenager?” The Awake! reporter has aimed his query at a group of adults, ages 21 to 70. The immediate response? Laughter—and a flurry of memories.

“Did I!” replies Jerry. “I was just a teenager, and I had a real crush on a girl six years older than I. She was gorgeous—big brown eyes! But I kept my feelings secret. Not even my mom could detect that I liked the girl.”

“I had a terrible crush on my art teacher,” recalls Valerie, now a married woman. “He was so good-looking.” Not to be outdone, Jane, a mother of two, says: “When I was a teenager, I had a crush on my favorite singer. I’d get up early in the morning so I could get a front-row seat at his concerts. Once a couple of girls and I even ran down to his dressing room! But when I finally saw him, I just stood there with my mouth open.” Why, even the senior member of our group recalls having had a crush on a movie star!

Yes, ask just about any group of grown-ups, and you’ll find that almost all had infatuations, or crushes, when they were younger. Often these centered on persons that were unattainable—teachers, singing stars, older acquaintances. Psychologist Kathy Moricca says: “Crushes are part of growing up. Almost all young people have them.” And most manage to survive their infatuations—pride and sense of humor intact. Indeed, years later most can usually laugh off the experience.

However, when you are caught in the grip of a crush, there seems to be little to laugh about. “I was frustrated,” recalls Jerry, “because I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew she was too old for me, but I liked her. I was really bent out of shape over the whole thing.” Valerie adds: “I pictured myself married to my teacher. We would have four children and live in a lovely home. It was really hard getting over him.”

It hurts to care for someone you can never have. And being told that what you feel is nothing more than a childish crush does not make you feel any better. As far as you are concerned, your feelings are real! ‘Why doesn’t anyone believe me when I say I’m in love?’ you wonder.

The Anatomy of a Crush

“Love is from God,” says the apostle John. (1 John 4:7) It is therefore no sin to have strong feelings for someone—provided such feelings are not immoral or improper (such as for someone married). However, Christian love is based on principle, not passion. (Compare 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.) And the Bible associates such love, not with youths, but with spiritually mature, or “full-grown,” Christians.—Ephesians 4:13-15.

When you are young, “desires incidental to youth” often rule your thoughts and actions. (2 Timothy 2:22) Indeed, puberty unleashes new and potent feelings. It takes years for most of us to learn how to bring such desires under control. Interestingly, the book The Individual, Marriage, and the Family further observes: “Because of our society’s emphasis on the importance of romantic love, the young person . . . dreams of the fulfillment of love long before he is ready for or even encounters an appropriate object of romantic love.”

How frustrating it is to have whipped-up romantic feelings—and no one to lavish them on! Further, often “girls become poised and socially at ease at an earlier age than boys,” as Seventeen magazine observes. As a result, “they often find their male classmates immature and unexciting compared to teachers” or other older, unattainable men. A girl might thus imagine that a favorite teacher, pop singer, or some older acquaintance is the “ideal” man. Boys, though, can become similarly infatuated.

However, the odds of a real romance developing with that charming teacher or sensual singer are about nil. Obviously, then, any love felt for such distant figures is rooted more in fantasy than reality. No wonder that, according to The Individual, Marriage, and the Family, such infatuations tend to be “rather short-lived”! Or as ’Teen magazine put it: “For most teens, crushes are as common as colds.” Some youths, though, persist in their fantasies, insisting they feel real love.

Crushes—Harmless or Harmful?

‘But if almost everyone experiences crushes,’ you ask, ‘what’s the harm?’ Well, ‘almost everyone’ has also had the measles. The fact is, crushes can be harmful.

For one thing, many objects of teenage affection are not worthy of a Christian’s esteem. A wise man said: “Foolishness has been put in many high positions.” (Ecclesiastes 10:6) Thus a singer is idolized because he has a smooth voice or striking looks. But what are his morals? Is not the life-style of many rock idols one of foolishness? The Bible also warns Christians: “Friendship with the world is enmity with God.” (James 4:4) Would it not jeopardize your friendship with God if you set your heart on a person whose conduct God condemns? It is also wrong to harbor amorous feelings for someone married.—Proverbs 5:15-18.

Further, the Bible says: “Guard yourselves from idols.” (1 John 5:21) This is true even when the idolized one leads a reasonably acceptable life. What do you call it when a youth’s room is decorated wall to wall with pictures of a beloved singing star? Is it not dangerously akin to idolatry? “I don’t idolize him at all,” claims one young girl of her favorite singer. But she also admits: “I am always thinking about this particular person . . . I have to get this person out of my mind.”

Indeed, some allow their fantasies to override reason. Writes another girl of her infatuation with a popular singer: ‘I want him to be my boyfriend, and I have prayed that it come true! I used to sleep with his album because that was the closest I could get to him. I’m at the point where if I can’t have him, I’ll kill myself.’ Could such mindless passion be pleasing to God, who commands us to serve him with “a sound mind”?—Romans 12:3.

Says the Bible at Proverbs 13:12: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” Cultivating romantic ‘expectations’ for an impossible relationship can literally make you sick. Unrequited love is cited by doctors as a cause of “depression, anxiety, and general distress . . . sleeplessness or lethargy, chest pains or breathlessness.”

Think, too, of the havoc you wreak when you allow a fantasy to dominate your life. Dr. Lawrence Bauman observes that one of the first evidences of a runaway crush is “slackening off of school effort.” Isolation from friends and family is another common result of being caught in a crush. (Compare Proverbs 18:1.) “Even my family was upset about my behavior,” confesses one young girl who “loved” a popular singer to the neglect of everyone else.

Even where no dire consequences result, there is also the humiliation of making a fool of oneself. “I’m embarrassed to admit this,” says writer Gil Schwartz, “but I behaved like a buffoon during my crush on Judy.” Long after the crush has dissipated, memories of your following someone around or perhaps making a scene in public can linger.

Fortunately, like the adults mentioned at the outset, most youths simply outgrow their crushes. And a future article will help those who do not. In the meantime, the best advice is to recognize a crush for what it is—a youthful fantasy.

Perhaps there may be some redeeming value in ‘having loved and lost.’ However, never let a hopeless infatuation gain control of your life or waste your emotions. Writer Gil Schwartz recalls just how futile this is. “For all the passion and plotting I invested in Judy,” he recalls, “I’ll bet she never gave me a second thought.”