My wife has no desire for sex, any ideas about help to help bring the desire back?

Question

My wife and I went through a rough period in our marriage over the past few years, and we seperated for a while a couple years ago, and we have been going through marriage counceling with a pastor from our church, which has helped us alot to rebuild our relationship and bring us closer to each other.

Intamacy isn't a problem, we spend alot of intimate time together, just cuddling and snuggling, and talking. But when it comes to sex, she has no desire for sex. I want to make love to her, not for my pleasure, but for hers. And it gets really frustrating when I ask if we can make love, and she says not tonite, I'm not in the mood.

It's starting to get to where it's affecting me, where I'm at the point where I feel, why bother even asking, because it makes me wonder if she desires me at all. I love her and our marriage is doing so much better, except in this area. Romance and intamacy is good except the lack of sex. I know intamacy doesn't mean sex, but I want us to make love

Any ideas on what I can do to help bring that desire back? Because I love her and want to have this area of our marriage back.

I appriciate any advice you can all give.

Thanks for the suggestions. We have been talking about it, and I'm hoping that we can make some headway about it. I agree with if you want to have the desire there, that you should be making love to have the desire. Because lately I'm losing interest in sex.

The rough patch we had was due to selfishness on my part and also because I was going through a sexual addiction, and I was thinking more about myself than her and the kids.

We have 3 kids btw.

But because I put myself and what I wanted before her and the kids made her feel unloved and unwanted.

During the time we were seperated, I got my life turned around and sought help for my addiction. And it's really helped. In addition to us seeking counceling for our marriage. We have been seeing a pastor from our church, and he's really helped us alot.

I agree I think it will take time, and that's why I havn't been pushing having sex. Because I don't want her to feel that she has to do it for me. I've been trying hard to give her time and space. But I try to talk with her about it too, so we can try and work through it as well.

Answer 1

Well, it sounds like the two of you are doing a lot of the right things to get your marriage back on track. I think since you two are communicating better, you should talk to her about how she is feeling. She may actually be going through something hormonal which has decreased the desire. Does she see that there is a problem.? There could be something that she would like you to do in order to make her more interested, but unfortunately only she knows the answer to that one.

I honestly believe that they way to make love and keep desire going is by actually making love. The more you do it, the more you want to do it. The more you put it off, the easier it gets. Even though you two have an intimacy together, there is no real substitute for sexual intimacy. You both really need to talk and you might want to bring this up to your counselor. Pastors usually can come up with some solutions for the both of you on this.

Answer 2

Well, I've been in two extreme types of relationship, the platonic type where we didn't have sex and we could have gone forward except persistent lack of desire for any sexual intercourse in at least one of the persons. The second extreem type was a relationsip completely built around sex, nothing else. Both relationships, sufficeth to say, didn't survive. It sounds like the two of you have a good sense of frienship in the relationship but your sexual relationship is on unequal ground. Maybe the two of you need to explore some new realms of intimacy with one another. Find other ways to arouse one another. Doesn't have to be anything perverse. Maybe Romance moves your partner and gets her going, and yet she feels Romance lacking. If you can spice up the Romance, than maybe sexual desire will come natural. Of course I'm not sure if this is the problem or not, just an example. Goodluck

Answer 3

The rough patch that you went through was it because of cheating? I don't want to assume but if this is the cause of her shutting down then there is obviously something that she's holding on to. A woman will forgive but she won't let you forget. As far as asking her to make love for "her pleasure" believe me it would be much more for your benefit than it is hers. I would say that a pastor in a church while means well, I would suggest her seeing a counselor who deals with couples that have intimacy issues.

If it has nothing to do with cheating, then maybe she is depressed or needs to see her gynecologist or family doctor. It could be something more serious, (i.e. menopause, depression, etc) Best of luck to you. Marriage is difficult and it takes work. Communication is key.

Answer 4

It could be:

The time in her life that she is going through physical changes and is wanting to hide that from you, ex: gained weight, stretch marks, general not feeling well about her body image.

Having little ones around (you didn't mention if you have kids)

or, worried about getting pregnant or pressured if you have not started a family yet. She may not be ready.

Stress at work, home.

Trying to get over a past relationship and having difficulty moving on or being obsessed with wanting to go back to a time she was single and dating.

Not feeling like you REALLY are listening to her with you whole heart, mind, body and soul.

Religion differences.

A feeling that you are not really into her.

A feeling of insecurity or sensing that there is someone else, or feeling like she is not "good enough" for you.

Her diet, hormones, mid-life crisis.

Anxiety.

Answer 5

I would consult a sex therapist. If she was willing to go to counseling over your marriage then hopefully she will be willing to do this too. If she doesn't want to, even after knowing how this is important to you (and yes sex is very important to a marriage) then she might not be interested in having sex with you because she isn't feeling that way twords you. In this case you really can't make her feel attracted if she simply isn't. I hope this is not the case, keep talking to her and find out why she's not in the mood, push the subject with the arguement 'sex is an important component to marriage especially for the man, it's one of the main ways he shows love, for my sake please tell me what will help you feel the desire again?'. Good luck

Answer 6

Believe me, she needs something EMOTIONAL from you. She's not going to respond to overt acts or suggestions. She is going to need to feel loved by you first. If you guys are just doing the day to day stuff, it probably ain't gonna happen...

Answer 7

if she repects the pastor he should have told her as a Christian her body belongs to you and yours to her, she is sinning by her selfishness, God made love -making for married couples, how about a week -end away for you 2? mabey a different [but luxurious] environment , would turn her on,

Answer 8

has she gotten over or completely dealt w/ wht caused the seperation? mybe thts the source. there mybe one more hurdle she needs help dealing with b/fre she can let dwn her wall

Answer 9

Wellbutrin - quit smoking drug and anti depressant will spunk her up in no time...

"Wellbutrin / Wellbutrin SR / Wellbutrin XL's pros and cons:
Pros: Low chance of sexual side effects, unless you consider making you hornier a sexual side effect. "

Answer 10

I'll just suggest to you what I would want and what would get me ready for love making.
ORAL, ORAL, ORAL!!! LOL!!!
Seriously, front AND back....and lots and lots in the back, okay?
Just try it and tell me if it works.....good luck ;)