How do I trust my husband again?

Question

After 11 years of marriage; my husband had an affair with a much much older woman(as in older than our moms) that he works with and now he feels very remorseful, guilty and wants to do whatever he can to make things right with me and our kids. He says he loves us and can't believe he did that. He said he won't ever do that again and hopes that someday I won't ever do this. I love him and want to forgive him and have a good future with him but that little phrase of once a cheater always a cheater pops up in my head. I think he was capable of doing this before when I would of never thought he could of. Do you think it is possible that he won't ever do this again and could end up being a better than ever husband than what he was before?

Answer 1

First off, the best part about all of this is that he's asking forgiveness and your heart is telling you to forgive. Hats off to both of you.

Second, I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat. I think people can and do change. Sometimes it takes something this traumatic to spark change.

I would suggest marital counseling. As a licensed minister I would also suggest participating in church. Your husband could use some quality time talking to Christian men. I would also suggest your husband look for another job or assignment where he has no contact whatsoever with the woman of the affair. These I think would help you heal faster and trust deeper.

And yes, I do believe that this could end up making him a better husband than ever. I'm not by any means saying the affair was a good thing. But, if you learn to trust again it could have a happy outcome.

Answer 2

Once a cheater, always a cheater is SO not true. There are many men (and women) who stray from their vows, for many different reasons. If he's truly remorseful, then it will show in his actions. Counseling would be a good start, but make sure you're going to a counselor who is an advocate of marriage, and realizes that your marriage can be repaired through hard work - not one that's going to tell you to leave him. Has he broken off all contact with this woman? Is he willing to share extra info about where he's going, who he's with, and what he's been doing? Has he shared with you his reasons for cheating? That's a big one... you want to know what caused this to happen. I'm going to assume that since this woman was so much older, it probably started more as an emotional affair before progressing to a sexual affair. What was missing in your marriage that made him feel he had to look elsewhere? (Before the thumbs down, I'm not saying cheating is ever okay, it's not. I'm saying that a person in a happy, healthy marriage doesn't cheat) You need to look at the causes behind the action, not just the action itself, and take steps to repair whatever problems there are. It sounds like he's truly sorry - and I do believe that this could cause him to really look deeply at himself and your marriage, and work towards being a better husband. I've never met a person who says they regret repairing and rebuilding their marriage, only those who regret walking away from it. Many marriages become stronger than ever after adultery, because of the work the couple must do to repair the damage. And one day, (not soon, but eventually) you WILL be able to say that you know he wouldn't cheat on you. Don't throw away what you seem to think is a wonderful marriage over what is a fixable problem. Restoring trust and respect takes a long time, forgiveness takes even longer. You'll never forget it completely, but over time it becomes less and less important.

Answer 3

The term once a cheater is always a cheater was probably made up by a woman whos husband was a sexual deviate. Its a stupid saying as far as I am concerned. People are all different and unless you are in your husbands mind you really dont know if he is genuine. Maybe he is very genuine, maybe he really feels like a fool. Maybe everything he is telling you is true. People make mistakes, that is a fact, but it seems that within a marriage a mistake like than just cannot happen. It happens all the time and Im sure there are a lot of men and women who feel ashamed for their actions. I am also sure there are people who will continue to cheat. What I do suggest, and it is very very important if your marriage is to endure, is to seek out marriage guidance counselling. It works, it can make your relationship stronger. There would have to be a lot of unresolved issues on both your parts and sometimes an unbiased person (a counsellor) can help resolve these issues. It is imperative that you trust your husband, and with counselling that can and does happen. If he loves you and you love him, then there is no reason why this marriage cant survive, but for you to give it the best possible chance, you do need counselling.

I wish you all the best, its a tough time for any woman, but its not the end of the world and your marriage can be absolutely wonderful and strong, but you do need these issues resolved before the trust can come back. Most women who are cheated on usually take it on themselves and wonder what they did wrong. Sometimes it was just a mistake, pure and simple. You didnt do anything wrong...hes the one who went with another woman. Counselling is the only way the trust will really come back.

Answer 4

Just to add to what the others are saying......

What is extremely important is that in order for you to eventually forgive and move on...he needs to fully and completely understand how this hurt you, how deeply the trust was broken. If he is only saying he is so sorry and you somehow still don't feel he fully 'gets' what he did to you...your chances of forgiving him will be next to nil.

I don't always believe counseling is the answer...however when it comes to something like this...then short term counseling can definitely help.
You need to be in an environment where it is safe to express your feelings and he needs to take it all...the anger, the pain etc....so he understands what he has done. You simply can not just accept his 'I won't do it again" and then expect to forgive and forget. No. He has a LOT of work to do on himself....HE needs to be in counseling by himself too.

It is usually true...once a cheater..bla bla bla. However....this is something only you know if you can deal with or not. You have every right to choose to move on if you can't move passed it together. Trust is so huge..you need to know where he is at all times etc....he needs to prove his devotion all over again. Cheaters are masters at the lie, masters at the game...masters at deceit. Only you know whether you think he is completely sincere to never stray again...even after things relax and cool down.

More than anything.....always......always trust your intuition!!

I'm so sorry this happened and I wish you much luck.

Answer 5

Since he cheated, it's obvious he is capable of cheating. Will he cheat again? Depends. Was this affair long term, or just a one time thing? Better chance if it was just a one shot. How did you find out? Did he confess? Or did he get caught? IF it was a one night thing, that he felt guilty about, and confessed, asking forgiveness; then your marriage has hope. But, if it was long term, and ended because he got caught, then save time and heartache, and just file for divorce now. As for IF he'll be a better husband- he CAN'T be much worse than a scummy cheater, which is what he was. I was cheated on in my first marriage, and know how I'd handle it if my wife cheated. The minute I found out she cheated- the marriage would end. The formal end would take time, but our marriage would be over.

Answer 6

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Hmmm. Somehow, in your situation, I don't think so. I think you might have a man who learns from his mistakes. And in that case, he could very well be a better husband than he was before.

I would greatly encourage you to go to marriage counseling. I'm sure you're feeling betrayed, hurt and very angry. A good therapist can help the two of you through those minefields.

I'm sorry this happened to you. But, it may turn out to be the best thing of all in the long run.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Life is unpredictable and anything can happen. We're all different, so it's hard to say. He may indeed never do it again since he realized it was a huge mistake and has learned from it. On the other hand, I've never heard or known anyone who has cheated just once. The man will do anything in his power to keep the marriage intact for his own reasons. This is how a man sees it................If the woman is willing to take him back the 1st time, then she can be persuaded to forgive more than once. He knows that her love and emotions can be manipulated and handled to his benefit. If another opportunity arises later on, he will be tempted to do it again. I know of a situation with a co-worker who cheated on his wife when they were engaged. She found out and it took a long time to get her back, but she eventually gave in.........a few years later, he's cheating on her again and she doesn't know. He has her feeling guilty and bad if she ever questions his infidelity. He's been covering his tracks very well and has an answer and an excuse for everything. Just be careful and decide what is worth it to you. Most women stay with their mates or take them back out of love, but is it how you want it for the long-term? Always having doubts and fears if anything happens out of the ordinary?

Answer 8

Yes I do think it is possible he won't ever do that again & be a better husband than ever. Maybe this woman was deliberately trying to seduce him and he fell in penis first. But I believe that affair hurt him as well as you & when he realized that it also affected his/your children.....that cut deeper than anything. Marriages can come back after affairs, but you know its going to be hard as hell-right?! But keep communication open and make him earn your trust back. If you are going to give him another chance you should forgive him --but don't forget. You now know the signs....don't put another affair past him. I mean don't drive yourself crazy trying to keep tabs on him, you don't have to-- men always manage to tell on themselves somehow.

Answer 9

that's slightly stressful to hearken to those persons who save ranting that once a cheater, consistently a cheater. Affairs ensue for many motives, and each each and every now and then "solid" human beings have them, properly known the blunders and then restore the marriage and stay committed. of course there are the intercourse addicts and narcissists that probable won't be able to or do no longer choose to be reformed, yet while the cheating befell as a results of fact of a few choose that wasn't being met interior the marriage and that difficulty is resolved, why anticipate it is going to ensue back? This guy sounds like he had one final fling until now tying the knot, which replaced right into a stupid and insecure subject to do, yet no longer inevitably properly worth ending the marriage over. He DID marry the girl, so he could desire to have desperate he had to be along with her, no longer the different woman. If he continues to be ambivalent, then they ought to get counseling now, until now they have infants. danger is he have been given it out of his gadget and he's waiting to be a committed husband. what share adult men get slightly too over excited on the bachelor occasion and nonetheless bypass directly to be solid husbands? probable somewhat some.

Answer 10

For yourself, you need counseling. Now if he really means it, and you see a change in him, then may be he is realizing what a dumb thing he did. and that he had too much to lose. Now you do have to learn to forgive, I always say if we want God to forgive us, we have to learn to forgive also. Now if he ever does it again, leave him. Now you should not keep bringing the affair up, you need to let it go, and let go and let God, give it to God, so Pray. Things is going to be alright!