My fiance and i have been having some problems lately and i was keeping it from my parents.
Yesterday I told my parents that we fight often and that he really upsets me and uses some inapropriate langues at times...
In return my parents are now very angry and they recommend that we split up...
I dunno wat to do, my fiance seems to be very regretful now and he sez that he will change, but my parents tell me that it is very difficlut for a person to really change...
What should i do??
2007-03-03 05:00:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all I think it was a good idea to talk to your parents about your situation , I also can understand your parents anger , that is a normal response from a parent because they love you and are concerned for your well being, you have to keep that in mind , this will make them more aggressive with their response. I have to say I dont exactly agree that an immediate break up is the answer . I do believe that people can change , I have seen this happen to many times , life is about change , for some it is easy for others it is difficult , but only you can decide how to handle it , you wont have a good relationship if things dont change and abuse also comes in the form of words , but can lead to other types of abuse , if you have talked to your fiance about this and he says that he is regretful that he has been this way fine but is he showing this or just saying this ? Have you set a date for a wedding ? if so you may want to postpone and give him time to make the changes he needs to make for himself and for you. has he told you why he treats you this way , because although there is no good excuse for this kind of treatment , there may be something bothering him and he finds it hard to say , do you two have good communication ? see these are the things I would be looking at See marriage is supposed to be forever , abuse is not supposed to be at all. if it is going on now , what will happen if you marry him ? so instead of me saying just ditch him right away I am trying to give you things to think about , consider talking to a pastor or someone else that can give you true advice, ask him to go to counseling , maybe he can get help to work out whatever may be causeing this to happen. Because the Bible says a husband is to love his wife as he loves himself . so is there a problem within him that is causeing this ? because you are not even married yet and this is going on . there is no real answer to this except within you , you no what you want , but you also know I hope that sometimes what we want is not always good for us , I will pray for you and your fiance , that God will lead you in the right direction , Just remember your life is precious and you only have One to live , make the right choices and youll be okay , and the right choices are the ones God leads us to. Good luck.
2007-03-03 06:07:07 · answer #1 · answered by lilsis 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First I commend you for you reaching out to your parents or even if it had been a good friend or other person(s) that you feel you cant trust and feel safe to share with.
Also; reaching out was a great thing. Too many times gals and sometimes guys don't want to feel embarassed or let others know what is going on as far as disharmony, and sadly this is the beginning of the journey so many women have taken that have stayed in abusive relationships for so many years, and along the way they lose their essence and are scarred for life.
A good place to start is examine your fiance's family. Is it sound? Does he come from a broken home of divorce or one where alcohol or other substances were used. Do his parents love each other? Does his siblings get along and are they functioning well? Often times, men will recreate the home life they grew up in subconsciously and act the same way as their role models. Children live what they learn.
Has he been married before? Was there domestic abuse, emotional abuse or anything of the sort? Even if he has not been married before, what do you know about his past relationships if any? This too is a good place to get perspective.
Apologies are great, but, too many times the culprit doesn't realize that it doesn't do much for the damage already done.
He needs to understand he has a anger problem, and it would be interesting to find out what is the underlying issue(s) if this is not directly related to what he experienced in his home of origin. Sometimes if a man has had a domineering Mother in their lives and have never been able to stand up to them, they may feel empowered to stand up to their wife/girlfriend and channel this anger in such a way. This could be an issue too. You will know by what dynamics you have exclusive knowledge of.
Pre-Marital counseling is also a good way to prevent bringing things and issues as well as problems into a marriage. This could help determine whether it would be wise to "spend the rest of your life" with him or anyone like him.
Time is on your side, and being prudent and using good discernment seems to be a great attribute of yours. Follow your instincts, and it's good to know you have a supportive family regardless of your decisions.
The whole concept of marriage and having a companion is sharing love and harmony, and if there is too much conflict and you are upset more than your are happy, I'm sure you will make the right choice.
Yes, look out for yourself before you become Mrs. "Anyone". Problems can be solved, I believe this. However; deep ingrained problems may be too hard to change and you shouldn't have to do it at your emotional expense or peace of mind.
I have an old saying I have always used when it comes to relationships. It is; - If I have to fix something before I can enjoy it, it usually isn't worth my time. I'd rather have an entry level relationship where I don't have to fix issues and problems the other person has before I can finally enjoy being in the relationship.
Good Luck to you!
2007-03-03 06:13:41 · answer #2 · answered by The Sylvan Wizard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
#1) Postpone the wedding until this is resolved...either by working it out or breaking up.
I don't know exactly was said, but whenever possible, you should solve your relationship problems within the relationship. Unless the problem is beyond your ability to fix, don't bring in others. What if you guys work it out, and fix things, while your parents will still hate him. Then what?
Since we don't know exactly what the problems are we can't offer specific help. However, from what you said, if it was so bad you had to run to your parents, then it may be best to break it off. It is difficult for people to change their personality & habits so I do agree with your parents on that one.
If the problems are bad, DON'T marry a guy just to get married, thinking you won't find some else. You will. DON'T SETTLE. You will forever regret it if you do.
Your situation completely reminds me of my sister's 1st marriage. No happy ending there.
2007-03-03 05:13:37 · answer #3 · answered by Voice_Of_Reason 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your parents are right. the reason u feel that u are in dilema, because you dont want yet to let go of him. but you see if it was easy for him to say and treat you that way now that you are not yet living together and married, how much more when u have already commited yourself into marriage and have invested more into that relationship, it would be very painful to let go by then. it is true, its not easy to change. are you willing to wait for him to change and suffer along the way while he tries to change? because frankly, there will be more abusive words as he struggles to change, habit is very hard to break!
2007-03-03 05:14:33 · answer #4 · answered by mela 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in a relationship like this for 5 years and all it did was get worse and worse. He said he would change several times. Then, later on, he would accuse me and it would start all over again. I am on your parents' side here. I would break up with him and this is definitely an abusive relationship.
2007-03-03 05:06:04 · answer #5 · answered by ambr95012 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Listen to your parents. If he is crossing the line during arguing then he will keep doing it as long as you allow it. Tell him you want to go to couples' counseling before you get married. Then if things still do not improve, cut your losses and find someone who actually respects you.
2007-03-03 05:04:23 · answer #6 · answered by acholtz@verizon.net 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If this has been going on a while then he will not change.YOU CAN NOT change him so don't try.Your parents are right don't marry him just quit while your ahead before it goes from emotional abuse to physical or both.Believe me I know.
2007-03-03 05:25:25 · answer #7 · answered by mosrider2002 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think your parents are right. personal compatibility is very important in a married life to be successful. i think you can't get a good life with this person. better you listen your parents, they will support you in this matter. don't worry, you will get another good guy in this world.
" if you miss one bus, don't be desp. go to the bus station. you can get lots of bus there to your location"
2007-03-03 05:21:41 · answer #8 · answered by siju 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It won't end. Not the way you hope it will. He'll be all nice for a while, then he'll get mad again then probably hit you. Then what? It happens too many times. Maybe you should talk to your pastor.
2007-03-03 05:08:42 · answer #9 · answered by chief_eagle_wing 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should make your own choice. your parents can help by expressing their opinion, but it remains your choice if you want to continue to be with the one you are with. only if it is your own choice can you make a correct discision. Good luck.
2007-03-03 05:05:14 · answer #10 · answered by freebird31wizard 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋