What do you do when your 17 year old frequently stays out for nights at a time?

Question

What is the legal postition and how long should we go on being worried and hurt? This has been going on for 2 years and we are at breaking point.

We have been doing everything possible to support my teen. I haven't added details of how but we have certainly done all we are legally entitled to do. It is actually illegal for us to physically prevent the child from leaving. I am not looking for bashing here, please don't judge me without knowing all the facts. What I wish to know is the legal position and if anyone who has benn in this situation and UNDERSTANDS can offer help to a desperate and loving mom. I have an older teen who is happy and well adjusted so I do know what parenting is about.

Answer 1

its hard for you I'm sure, but your son/ daughter is growing up.
Having said that, I would tell them as long as you live under my roof, you abide by my rules.

Answer 2

Make a strong effort to find out where he or she is going. Then make sure their activities are legal. If the teen makes a single step outside the law, have them nailed... by the law... and make sure there are serious consequences that scare the hell out of them - this won't be hard because they will pay the real penalty, not what you describe to them.
It is scary and I'm not speaking from experience but from an observation that this situation is pretty desperate. If it is a girl, she could be prositituting herself or doing serious drugs. If it's a boy, he could be doing equally illegal things. Stop it now? Of course. The alternative might be the death of your child - environments where illegal things take place often turn violent.
You looked at the legal issue of whether you could stop them going out. I'm telling you to look at what a kid could possibly be doing all night that would be 'innocent fun'.
A detective would consider this probably a very short-term assignment. It would probably be apparent fairly quickly.

Answer 3

This is sooo difficult but even more it is frustrating.
At 16 they can legally leave home and enter the wide world on their own.
My advice -
Try your best to stay friends.
See if your older teen can help you out by having a word. Possibly try to set up a contract (you will provide this this and this - if they provide or act like this this and this) do not be too proscriptive but try and show that living as a family needs consideration both ways.
Is it the staying out that worries you or the not knowing where or what they are doing. Maybe negotiating that you are kept informed might be a compromise acceptable to you both?
I wonder, is your 17 year old just trying to be independant - sometimes the desire to do just that gets in the way of seeing that they also need other people in their lives. Most teens will come to see this but sometimes they are in their twenties before they do.
Remember - try and stay friends - If you can it usually does get better.

Answer 4

I agree with the person who suggests to report your teen as missing. Treat him or her as a runaway when this happens.

Unfortunately, you cannot physically prevent the child from leaving the house. But you can take away any material items that you provide for your child beyond food, clothing and shelter. If your child bought it with money earned from a job, it is theirs, but anything you bought can be taken back (your choice, of course) and certainly nothing new should be given!! So, no electronics, but provide a cell phone that only has 911 on it, no allowance, etc. Explain to your child that they are still legally a minor, but if he or she wants to be treated like an adult (ie, come and go as pleases) then they are also responsible for supporting their own luxuries.

You can also let them know in a caring way that it looks like they are interested in living on their own once they are 18, so maybe offer to sit down together and work out a plan for that. If your child was not planning on leaving upon turning 18, then it will be time to sign a tennant agreement -- charge rent and have separate food bills. Hard, to be sure, but people -- children and adults alike -- cannot have it both ways. They cannot ignore rules and also reap the benefits of convenience.

Also, I would talk to a counselor (see if your job has any options through Human Resources) yourself and ideally get your child in as well, though that may not be as likely in the beginning. Talking to someone about this issue in a regular, constructive manner will help you develop strategies to make this work for you.

Answer 5

Don't try to physically stop him from going out, that will only make him want to do it more. He's 17, so he's going to do what he wants by now, with no regard towards you. However, that doesn't mean you have to let him go and make a fool of himself. Best thing to do is take it out of your own hands, and into the hands of the police. That way he knows that when he gets in trouble, he can't blame only you. He might resent you for calling on him, but if he's really going to grow up he has to realize that there is more authority in this world than just his parents (who he already decided he shouldn't listen to). By doing this he is asking to be treated like an adult, so taking things away from him (electronics, transportation, etc.) is only effective as a supplement.

Answer 6

It's very easy for people to say take control etc etc BUT you cannot force a 17 year old to stay in can you? you can ask and demand even but what do you do when they walk out????
i have a 6ft4 son aged 17 who has done this twice.
I was not happy to physically restrain him (couldn't anyway as I'm only 5 ft 4!!!) and can't lock him in his room either.
I understand what you say and know how worrying and gut wrenching it is.
The first time he did it i laid awake all night.
The second time i thought he's 17 and is responsible for his own actions. So he went and i didn't react.
he has not done it since!

Answer 7

Well I'd say you've left things a little too late now, after 2 years of this trying to change things probably won't work.

I'm going to assume that you've done the usual and threatened to take stuff away like allowances and possessions? Maybe tough love is the answer give an ultimatum and say if you don't abide by my rules your out and then next time it happens keep your door locked.

Answer 8

Call the police and report him/her missing.

If the kid was >18, I'd say change your locks, but I don't want you getting in trouble with family services.

Hey, Stormy Skye, a lot of 17-year old boys are physically larger and stronger than their parents. How do you propose that the parent stop a physical adult from doing something. The "kid" has already demonstrated a lack of interest in doing what he's told.

Answer 9

So it started when ge or she was 15 and you did nothing ??

Its too late now to impose any restrictions, you will just have to accept they are leading thier own life and staying away from you.

I would still try to find out where they are when they are not sleeping at home as If they are with the wrong people and doing wrong things it may be getting others involved may help your loved one.

Answer 10

Tough love, if he dose not live by the rules of the home,kick him out. Yes you will worry and feel guilty but sometimes a sharp short shock helps. Good Luck.

Answer 11

Who is the parent here anyway?
Make some rules and talk to your teen about it and what the consequences are for breaking those rules. You must be tough and stand behind your decisions.