I Need Opinions On This Situation...?

Question

I have been in a seven-year relationship with this guy I will refer to as Allen. I have an 18-year-old daughter from my first and only marriage. Even though my 'ex' and I are divorced, we still have situations to deal with such as our daughter's upcoming graduation, all three of us (she, her father and I) agreeing on graduation invitations, those events that will naturally be special milestones such as her getting married, having a baby, etc.Here is the problem: Allen gets VERY angry and when I speak to my ex about anything to do with our daughter and anything that we need to 'plan' for her. I thought it would be okay for her father and I to look at graduation invitations (our daughter lives 2 hours away). I don't mind Allen coming along, but he thinks this is all wrong since my ex and I are divorced, we should go through our daughter about these things. He learned I called my ex several times about her graduation and asked me to move out and I did. I need some feedback here...

Answer 1

"Allen" sounds insecure and jealous. your daughter is the most important thing in this situation and you are doing the right thing by having a good working relationship with her father. "Allen" knew you had a child when he became involved with you and should have been mature enough to know what all that entailed. If you are not giving "Allen" a reason to distrust the situation Then you are in the right by working with your ex for your daughter's benefit. Balancing relationships with new and old partner's can be tricky at best. without knowing why your husband is so insecure all I can do is wish you luck and much happiness.

Answer 2

It's great that your ex & you are on good terms especially when it comes to discussing things where your daughter is concerned. I talk to my ex when family matters come up & the same goes for my fiance. No problems there, whatsoever. Allen is very insecure, otherwise, he wouldn't be acting this way. He asked you to move out & you did the right thing by doing so, as this is all a sign of things to come in the future too. No man will ever make me feel as if I was doing something wrong when it comes to my family. Your marriage is doomed in my opinion. He should be happy that your ex & you have an amicable relationship, because that makes it easier when it comes to matters of your daughter. You have done nothing wrong, but Allen has some major issues & he should realize that your relationship with your ex is important for your daughter's sake. I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Stand firm & be strong!!! You can make it with or without Allen.

Answer 3

Hes wrong, insecure and controlling too. A mature person would understand that children trump, seven year, uncommitted relationships. Be grateful you haven't wasted more years with a jerk. Let him get angry at someone else for being a good mother to her child, you are absolutely correct in maintaining a working relationship with the father of your child, and Allen is acting like an idiot. Especially if in seven years he hasn't seen fit to marry you he has some huge nerve telling you who you can or cannot communicate with. Put Allen back on the trash heap and continue to allow your daughter to feel that she has two parents even if they are divorce. Then find yourself a secure man.

Answer 4

I am a divorced father of 3,and I would have to say, tell Allen to like it or lump it!
Your daughter IS your first responsibility and yes, you do need to talk to your ex about things that concern your daughter. He should understand this, and actually be happy that he is included in all of the planning and such.
I have only dated 1 gal since my divorce 3 yrs ago for about 6 months, and have realized that my kids are my only priority right now and I don't want have to deal with situations that put them against her, as my kids will always win.
If Allen is so insecure after 7 years, then there are other concerns that he hasn't told you about.....
Good luck.

Answer 5

You moved out? Good! Sounds like you had a second child for the past seven years. He needs to grow up and accept the fact that you were married before you met him. Your daughter will come first in your life, and that's the way it needs to be. You will have to get along with your ex for as long as he is alive. Sounds like you have a good relationship with him -- keep that going for your daughter's sake. Your daughter will see from your example that you are the mature one and the boyfriend has been the other child. It doesn't mean you should get back together with your ex, but it let's your daughter see that imperfect situations can still work in some ways.

Answer 6

First of all, your daughter comes before Allen. Anything that your daughter needs comes from you and your ex, and if he can't understand and accept that, then you did exactly what you should have done and left. He cannot expect you and your ex to use your daughter as a pawn to relay messages. The divorce isn't her fault and she shouldn't have to be caught in the middle like that. You are doing the right thing by working with him for her. I have been doing this for 12 years and I will continue for the rest of my childs life. If my husband now dosent like it, take a hike. If I wanted my ex, I'd still be there. Good luck. Take care of your child, a man's love is temporary, a childs love is forever!!

Answer 7

Maybe you should sit down and have a talk with "Allen" to confirm to him your feelings for him and that you don't have feelings for your ex-husband. Let him know that it is natural for you to have some sort of involvement with him when it is dealing with your daughter's affairs. It sounds that "Allen" wants to be the man in your life and wants you to put your past in the past. He knows that he was not your first love and that is what burns his ego. You need to soothe and calm that beast. Chances are that he feels uncomfortable with your ex-husband and you being to together but he may not like the fact that you 2 share a child together as well. You didn't mention whether or not you and "Allen" have a child together. Have you ever thought about whether or not he wanted a child with you? Have you ever thought, if he is not or you are not able to or willing to have another child, that he wanted one and now feels that he was robbed out of the chance to have a child with you but your ex-husband didn't and now he secretly resents all of you? You should have a talk with him to see if there is a way to save the marriage. Best wishes and take care.

Answer 8

Allen has a big problem with insecurity. The only man who knows you better than him is your ex and he can't deal with it. Is your ex involved with someone else? it would be good if he was. You have to let him know that your daughter is the most important person in this situation and her father has the right to be involved in her life. If he had a kid and his ex had a boyfriend that wouldn't let him visit he would be mad too. He has to grow up or you need to leave your comfort zone and find someone better.

Answer 9

Sounds as though this BF of yours has a jealousy and trust problem. If he is that insecure with you after seven years, you had better find someone without all the mental baggage he is carrying around. A little insecurity early in a relationship can be acceptable, but this guy sounds as though the type of husband that would be controlling and manipulative if you married him. Just thank God that you found out now instead of later.

Answer 10

I really can't much blame your friend. I was divorced, and NEVER found it necessary to chat often with my ex. We managed both kids' graduations, both their weddings, and the birth of six grand kids, without talking to each other as often as you seem to find necessary. Do you really expect us to believe that it was necessary for you and your ex to go together to decide high school graduation invitations???? That is soooooo important, it takes the imput from BOTH parents? Come on, lets be realistic. Picking invatations could have been done online, in ten minutes. By your daughter. You and Dad just need the money to pay for them. So, drop this "Need to spend time with EX." silliness. You DON'T need to speak, or spend time with the EX. For some reason, you and the ex both either like to see each other now and then, or you both like spending lots of time together.