I am getting sick of his father and family?

Question

I live in Taiwan with my husband. We love each other. I am a burmese american but do not speak chinese at all. My husband speaks burmese and chinese. so, we communicate by burmese. I live with my husband's family. I am 34 weeks pregnant. My husband goes to work at 7am and gets home 9pm (if he works overtime) but if he doesn't have overtime to work, he gets home around 6pm. When he gets home, i want to talk and stay with him privately. sometimes, we can't stay by ourselves. His father is very annoying. He would ask us to do this and that. At the dinner table, he would ask me to make juice for him. I have to wash dishes everyday. I have to cook and clean, hang and fold the clothes. we have to spend our money for food shopping plus the napkins and shower gels etc. We will have a baby daughter soon and we need to save money for our own. My husband has to pay his father for the home improvement loans every month. His father coughs all the time at the dinner table and i hate it.

When i eat dinner, i have to forget about his cough and eat. Otherwise, i can't eat anymore. They cook real traditional taiwanese food and i can't eat. I have to cook what i like for myself and they all eat it. these days, i can't eat fish. His father pet gold fish and some other fish at home and after looking those fish, i can't eat fish anymore. His single brother helps him cleaning fish tank etc but this morning, his father called me and tell me to tell his younger son not to clean fish tank because he will do it by himself when he gets home. Then when he gets home, he did it but not by himself. He asked my husband to help him and it took about 2 1/2 hours. I was so lonely and i got furious. there is someone who can help him and didn't ask. he wanted us to do something. I hate him. I really do. Everyday, he speaks too loud. When he is asleep, we can't make loud noise or we got yelled. When we are asleep, he would wake up early in the moring and make us awake. I am really sick of it.

I don't want to hear his voice and cough anymore. He wouldn't be rude to me when asking to do something for him. He is smart. he would call me daughter and make me do things for him.
I feel regret that i married my husband even though we both don't have lots of problem. i can't deal with his father anymore. I asked my husband to move out and live by ourselves but my husband wants to save money. If we moved out, we must buy all the accessories again and it will be a waste once we go to the US. I will be going back to the USA in the summer ( i planned) but now i feel like going back next week without him. I want to leave him. Perhaps divorce or separate with him. I feel like i don't need him. I can't deal with his father and family anymore. 2 of his sisters (out of3) are divorced and they are terrible. I don't really want to deal with anyone anymore. I feel sick and tired of them. especially his father. My husband didn't even care about my birthday. Should I leave next week????????????

He forgot my birthday and in the morning of my birthday, i had to wash all the dishes after breakfast. it's usual because his father cooks something like congee or quaker oats every morning and leave dishes in the sink or on the table and i have to collect all the dishes to be washed from the kitchen and wash but i was so sad on my birthday because i cared about my birthday every year and so did my family and my exes. no romantic dinner or lunch this year. nothing at all. i feel like leaving him. I can take care of my daughter and me. My in laws told me to leave our daughter once we go back to the states. They said "pay some money" for taking care of your daughter. isn't it their responsibilities for taking care of their grandchild? I would pay even they do not ask but they don't have to ask me to pay. It's very demanding i think. Thank god they go to work 6 or 7 days a week, otherwise, i will be a waste in their eyes and always wanted me to do something. Gosh, i want to run away now.

at home, his parents, me and his brother live. His sisters live in the separate home. They don't even want to live with their own parents. 2 of his sisters are divorced and one has financial problem. She borrowed some money (small amount) and never give it back to me. Even that small amount, when she borrowed, she said she will pay back at the end of the month (since november of 2006) and never until now. I will not lend her anymore i decided since then. Sometimes, she let her daughter comes to this house. Her daughter is only 11 yrs old. When she came the last time, i had to take her to the hair salon for hair cut and paid for it because she didn't take care of her daughter. I had to wash more dishes since one more person at home and cook more food. I am really sad and furious now. The more i think, the more i am sad. it's almost 6 am now here in taiwan. i couldn't sleep much. i only could sleep 3:00am-4:30am. I am so stress out.

i kicked my husband out of the bedroom last night and he sleeps in the living room. i can hear his sound from here and got more pain and feel more furious. i couldn't sleep and he could. it's like living in the hell now. I think i am more sensative to these nowadays than before. Before it happens too but i tried to be calmed and forgot. now, i can't hold it anymore. i need to do something. Is it right?

Answer 1

I'm also married to a Taiwanese (although I don't have it half as bad as I'm male). However, where table manors are concerned I totally sympathise with you as I have experienced it - and still do. You would need a strong stomach to accept it at the best of times, if you're pregnant - then I really feel for you (regarding the dinner time situation)

I can guarantee you one thing - that in traditional Taiwanese families divorce and separation is a big taboo! Perhaps the only way you're going to get the space and respect you deserve is to take it yourself. Is there anyway possible you can move out? Even in a small apartment? Persuade your husband to move out. I would say that you should do 'what ever' it takes to get out of that situation.

I do respect that your husband is hard-working (like many Taiwanese) but feel sorry for you that he's not very good at standing up to his families mistreatment of his partner (like many Taiwanese).

I'm really sorry to tell you this at this stage in your life, but you can pretty much forget about your husband coming to your rescue ( it would be great if you could prove me wrong) - and you need to start fighting, don't put up with their crap! Start making your own rules.

I sincerely wish that you can overcome your situation. The first step is realising that you have a problem (good) now you're going to have to deal with it.

Answer 2

You are not treated as a daughter-in-law of that house instead a maid free of cost... please come out of that house even your husband doesn't seem to love you.... when you have a family who will take care of you then why do you need to stay there... Go back to your moms house give birth to you darling baby girl.... if your husband want to live with you because of the baby ask him to leave that house and come with you or else find a job for yourself and be happy with your family don't waste or spoil yours and your babies future!!!!

Answer 3

It seems to me that you'd rather be living the "american dream" rather than the "taiwan dream"....but it appears you're stuck with it.

At 34 weeks pregnant, your "nesting" urge is kicking in to high gear, and some of these things may be irritating you more than usual. Take a breather and take care of yourself and your baby. Suggest to your husband that you are going to need to take it easy once the baby comes.

If you want time alone with him now (and let's face it, you won't have it in a few weeks anyway) suggest going to bed early. I'm assuming you're alone then??

In defense of your father-in-law, I would say to you that he's older, this is his culture, and you might be little more than a guest in his eyes. Do what you can to learn what is expected of you in that culture, and try to make him understand yours (although that might be easier said than done)...

Good luck to you dear.....good luck with the baby.....

Answer 4

he will not see he needs to make changes until u actually leave him, the family seems to take advantage of u, u need to get your own place to live, go back to your family until he changes his mind. it never works to have two families living in the same home. talk to him, tell him how unhappy u are, and tell him what u intend to do about it. don't let them treat u like this. i can't imagine living a life like this.

Answer 5

if you have family who can help you, then you should get away for a while. its not fair for you to be in this situation when you are pregnant.
take a break from those people and that culture.

Answer 6

you need to find your own place youre are a wife not a slave its hard to living with other you should tell your huband that you want your own place and for the baby good luck and youre should had wait for the baby intell you had your own place

Answer 7

hi kelly win,
in this situation ur only alternative is to get separated.
covince ur hubby and find a solution. enjoy the life!

Answer 8

That's why America is great. You don't have to put up with that disrespectful crap.