Is this normal?

Question

You know sometimes in relationships you have doubt as to whether or not you can make this work between the 2 of you? And it is usually because the man is the one who is the commitment-phobic, or ladies man, or what not. You know that on your side of the relationship you can make this work but the question is "can they?"

Well now I am having this problem but it is the reverse. I know that he is in this relationship 100% for forever but I have doubt that I cannot make this work for whatever reason...

This is my 1st healthy relationship. I have always been in emotionally abusive, cheating, sweettalking, mis-trusting and jealous relationships so when things were good things were OUT OF THIS WORLD and thats what makes those types of relationships fun and adventurous. Whereas now, I am kinda just neutral all of the time. I am happy to be with him. I am very sexual with him but I am just happy and I guess it just seems un-familiar. I love the guy I am with. He makes me laugh and I dont feel the need to "try and make him love me" cause I know he loves me for who I am.

I just hate all of the self-doubt, is there a reason for it? Is it because of my past, Is it because my ex still has a tiny piece of my heart? I dont understand! I am just not sure of myself?!?!?!!

Why all this self-doubt?

Answer 1

Unhealthy relationships built on nothing but lust and excitement with people we know aren't good for us are a bit like taking heroin. When they're going well at the beginning you're on top of the world but they soon give way to the terrible low feelings created by mistrust and jelousy.

Unfortunately those highs are just so very good that often people just keep going back for more and the reason they do is that they're very good at forgetting just how bad the low points were.
Its an over simplification but this is why people keep taking drugs - even though they lead to ultimate self destruction the highs are just too good to give up. Whatsmore a long history of bad habits really is hard to break. But not impossible!

Looks like you've been strong (and lucky) enough to break out of a cycle of destructive relationships. What you have to do now is keep remembering just how terrible your ex made you feel and avoid the temptation of being dragged back in to seeking those incredible highs. Meanwhile you have to get used to the more sedate but ultimately more fulfilling pleasures of being in a relationship built on mutial love and respect. Over time hopefully your craving for self destruction will diminish!

Sometimes its easy to blot out the consequences of breaking up with someone who's always nice and kind when there's the attraction of the rollercoaster ride of thrill and excitement but you really must. Try hard to imagine how you'll feel a few months down the road if you do break up with your boyfriend - it might go like this.

You split with your boyfriend. You avoid thinking about how much you've hurt him.

You run back to your ex or someone else that offers you the thrills you desire. You have a great time...for a while.

But then he's cheating on you again, or treating you like dirt because unlike you he's probably never going to change because as long as he's got someone like you to walk over he's getting his needs fulfilled. He has no reason to change.

You feel like dirt and suddenly you're thinking about that kind guy you heartlessly dumped. He'd never treat you this way and you miss him and you want to be back in that safe loving environment you once had.

But its too late. You've destroyed that relationship and who knows when a decent guy will turn up again. There aren't many around I assure you. The end result is for the brief period of excitement you could end up with a life of unhappiness and regret.

The alternative to this is you try to stir up some excitement in your current relationship surely? Be it in or out of the bedroom. If you crave excitement then you should have it! And if your boyfriend loves you for who you are he'll do his best to give you that excitement. You may not manage to recreate the exact feelings and excitement you experienced with your ex but what you will have will be ultimately more fulfilling and will bring you more happiness and security.

All this said, if you're kidding yourself and you don't really love your boyfriend then by all means try to make it work but don't waste your life living a lie. Whatever you do take your time and think things through carefully and with a straight head.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Self doubt is also a tool to ask yourself lots of questions, just as you do. something will nag you until you find the solution. My opinion of what I read from you is that you diagnose youself perfectly. your ex has a tiny piece of your heart and it is very unformilliar to be in a non abusive relationship... that takes getting used to. also, getting used to not having to doubt yourself anymore... takes some time. it is just like a habit. move the tea towel or the clock inyour house and see how long it takes to get used to that...Months!!! years sometimes.. so give it time too...
furthermore, I think you have less work to do than you might think.. in abusive relationships you continually are nagged by your own common sense that this is not ok and that you need to do something. And now you don't need to work at that anymore. You can go work on something fun... plan a surprise weekend for you two or whatever else exciting things you can think of. replace the doubt with something fun, positive etc. Good Luck.