I have approached my boyfriend about engagement and he says that he really wants to get married to me. He has been making plans for it but he needs some more time to make everything "right (traditional-- family approval and good ring)." I have wanted to get married for years and have wanted. But after 5 yrs. I want an official committment from him. I think he plans on asking me after he has finished an intense professional degree (in 2 yrs). I am not sure I can wait that long. I really love him and I'm not sure why this has become such a pressing each for me, but it has. What should I do?
2007-03-02 18:47:51 · 30 answers · asked by Kim B 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Bottom line, you're not getting any younger; without a sincere commitment, where does that leave you if he's still dragging his feet in two years? Two years older, possibly 10 pounds heavier, and with a lot of time wasted.
My fear for you is that your boyfriend is stringing you along with maybes because he wants to be with you and likes the way things are in your relationship right now, but doesn't want the commitment of marriage. If you think so little of yourself that you can wait two more years for a SIMPLE answer, then by all means, stagnate. However, if you'd recognize your self-worth and decide that you want an answer now, I say, hell yeah!
2007-03-02 18:57:24 · answer #1 · answered by wendy_the_pyro 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your probably right, he wants to finish whatever training he is doing and get a good job so he can support you. If that's true, then he's a good guy and would be well worth the wait.
However, in the mean time, you guys could get engaged and plan the wedding two years from now. I don't see why that couldn't be done. Maybe he won't be able to afford an expensive ring, but he would at least be making the commitment.
It's totally possible that he is scared of making such a commitment and is avoiding it because of his fears. I don't know your boyfriend, so I can't tell you for sure.
This could be a pressing issue because your getting older and you feel your "biological clock" is ticking. Most women feel a lot of pressure to get married and have a family while they are younger.
My advice is to sit down and talk with him about it. Tell him how much it means and that if he is willing to make the commitment to marry you, even if you have a wait a few years, that you'll wait for him.
Good luck!
2007-03-02 18:59:22 · answer #2 · answered by milwaukiedave 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
That's stupid. Why should you have to wait 2 more years on top of the 5 that you've been with him just for him to finish his degree? I don't get it. Being married and going to school at the same time isn't impossible. There is never going to be a perfect window to get married for this guy and even if there was, you know what? Life is full of stress. Stress will happen after you marry too. If he hasn't married you yet, he probably doesn't want to. What would I do? I would say, "lets get married next year on such and such a date." If he says, excuses excuses excuses, you got your answer. Leave him he doesn't want you anyways. It's not like you need him to have a great career as soon as you get married. I'm sure you have a job too!
2007-03-02 19:18:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, he has told you where he stands and you obviously cannot accept it or you wouldn't be posting this question. Your options seem pretty simple. Either you squelch your feelings and hold on for a couple of years or you move on. You are both on different pages on this issue and I fear you aren't going to be happy unless he gives in to you, but then HE won't be happy. Either way you have a problem as a relationship can deteriorate quickly when people are forced to do things they don't want to do and that's the problem with the ultimatum. Can you change your own feelings? That seems kinda unfair to you, doesn't it? Well, the same truth applies for your boyfriend. If you decide you really can wait a couple of more years, there is no guarantee you will get a ring then. Only you know the true situation. If you feel he is being straight with you and you really do love him, then wait and don't let a good thing get ruined by being selfish. However, if you know in your heart of hearts he may be stringing you along, even just a little bit, your selfishness will be your savior. Trust your heart and follow your instincts. Good luck!
2007-03-02 19:37:04 · answer #4 · answered by MI Mommy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Five years to be dating someone exclusively is a long time. You deserve an official commitment after all these years also...because time is passing and if this relationship is not going to end in marrage and all the things you want, then you need to move on. You both need to move on. What you need to find out, and it is not going to be easy...is, is he using all these things that he wants to accomplish first, as an excuse! I think you really need to have a serious talk with him, the time has come. If you love him so much and cant bear the fact that you may break up because of it, then I would say...let it go and stay the way you are...but what you want may never happen. Life is short and to waste another 5 years and more excuses would be a shame.
2007-03-02 19:39:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that after five years asking for a commitment is asking to much. As far as a good ring I am sure if you love him the ring does not matter that much. Anyway you can all ways buy a nicer ring later on. If he does not want to get married for two more years and you are willing to wait. I don't understand why he does not want an engagement. Let him know you need a commitment now.
2007-03-02 18:59:29 · answer #6 · answered by Janst 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I recommend you have a serious talk with him. Now!!!! Let it all out. If he loves you he should not be afraid of telling you how he feels about marriage. You know there are two answers to your question: Either he is going to marry you, or he is not. The consequence for not marrying you is that you are much 'older' and he wasted 5 years of your life or more. Unfortunately men are not conscious of a woman's feelings when it comes to marriage. I have seen relationships that lasted for more than yours only to end up no where. I don't want to scare you. But the reality is that many ladies have paid a price...a heavy price in terms of years. I would not like that to be you. Again if he loves you he should not be afraid of discussing this with you.
You also have to accept that you may have to cut ties with him if he is not committed. If you are not willing to do that then you might as well stay with him married or not.
Or you can be like some couples where they don't bother with marriage...like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. They been with each other for years.
2007-03-02 19:40:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you explained to your b/f how you feel about this issue? How you're having trouble waiting and waiting for more of a commitment from him? If not, I would start there. Make sure he knows where you stand and how you feel. There are people out there who spend years and years with someone and the other person never does choose to get married. Hopefully that's not the case with you, but you need to understand exactly where your b/f stands on the issue. I would suggest maybe come up with some type of time frame that would work for both of you, but especially you. Figure out how much longer you can wait and is a fair amount of time for you to wait for him to propose. If he doesn't step up in that time frame, then maybe you need to move on, as hard as it might be. If marriage is something you definitely want in your future, you need to make sure you're with someone who wants that as well. Make sure that your b/f does indeed want marriage and that he's not just coming up with reasons to get you to stay with him. No matter how much you love someone, if they can't give you what you want, you deserve better. Good luck!! :-)
2007-03-02 18:58:41 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
5 years is alot to invest. I would make my wants / needs or intentions very clear. If he doesn't come around, and marriage is really that important to you then you'll have part ways. I was in your shoes once too. But then I realized I don't want to be married. I don't believe in it and I'm jaded by all the failed marriage around me. I've been with my man for 12 years and although he has asked several times, I have no intention on walking down the aisle. I would have like to have the big party and received all those gifts, but I just can't see a reason to do it. Good Luck
2007-03-02 21:14:21 · answer #9 · answered by lisa-loo 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Get over it. If this guy is waiting for the "perfect time" then you should either decide to leave it alone and be patient or come to the realization that tomorrow may never come. Love doesn't come at a set destination...it just is. Be careful not to pressure him, but if you really want something that someone else is not willing to give, you need to ask yourself if it is really worth "waiting" for.
Optimism is a great thing, but realism is also a necessary component of any relationship...especially when it comes to those "I'll do it when...".
2007-03-02 19:00:52 · answer #10 · answered by sweet doll 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋