how do you move on after 15yrs of marriage?

Question

5 months ago my husband told me our marriage was over his reason was that he just wanted to be on his own and that i had done nothing wrong..1 month later he had moved in with a women he worked with and her 3 kids.we have 3 kids as well which he ignored for the first 3 months and only now sees every 2nd weekend.He wont talk to me about our kids or anything else and becomes nasty when i try to talk to him about the kids.this is not the man i married i feel i dont know who he is and it hurts me that he has left his family to be with another.Our kids are also hurt by this as it was a shock to them as well.Sure we had our ups and downs like every one does but to be told as coldly as he told me has really hurt.He didnt even tell the kids i was left to do that and i couldnt even give them a reason.I feel so betrayed and lost.I want to get on with my life but im not sure how to get past all this hurt.

Answer 1

You'll get past it, because you have to get past it. Regardless of what your husband does, your children need you. Don't make excuses for him, when you talk to the children about this. And, don't blame yourself. This is HIS, he did it, he caused it; and it's his mess to worry about. I must also advise you to NOT forgive him. He's likely to decide that his old life is better than his new lady, and want to come back. I suggest you tell him that you aren't going to settle for a guy that expects to get to test drive other women, and other lives. Let him live with his own decisions.

Answer 2

This is not an easy time for you, especially when you have children who are caught up in the middle of this and hurt as well. He took the cowards way out. This has got to be a very selfish man who only things about his own happyness and welfare. There is no easy way, unfortunately to get over this, it will take time. If you had been fighting all the time then I could understand...but out of the blue, well this is a louse. If he did it to you, then he will do it to others. I dont buy the lie that he just wanted to be on his own and you did nothing wrong...what he should have said is I met someone else and want to be with her...which sounds more accurate to me. 15 years is a long time to live with someone and think you have a good life and then one day he does that. But, it would have been worse if he stayed with you..and seen her on the side. Like I said...hard, and you will have to go through the healing process which will take time. In time you will feel better and get stronger and realize you are better off that he is gone because who wants to be with an uncaring person like him. Right now your kids need you...so you have to hold yourself together for them...as they also got the raw end of the stick from him. Any man who does not see his children more often when he is seperated from his wife...simply does not care. You are betrayed...but not lost...as you have your children which came out of the marrage. Give it time. Keep yourself occupied try to not figure it out and love your kids...thats all you can do right now.

Answer 3

Wow! You know, what drew me to this question was the title is exactly what I am going through, although the rest of the details are very different. I think in your situation you can get past the hurt by first getting mad, and then getting even. Get mad not because of what he did to you (try to ignore that for now) but what he did to your children. A protective mother is a force to be reckoned with, and that anger will give you strength. Start by writing him a calm, rational letter about what a jerk he is for abandoning them and not being man enough to tell them himself. Remind him that when you had children there was an understood agreement that they would have two parents in their lives, and a promise that nothing would ever come between their parents and their well-being, even if something came between their parents. Then sue him for alimony and child support, and while you're in court, remind the judge that you will need extra money for therapy for the kids because of the way he abandoned them. When you're finished with all the financial drama, find a younger man with more hair, and show off your amazing parenting skills and self control by not flaunting the fact that you're moving on in front of the kids. That will show the little worm! Good luck!

Answer 4

Wow, he sounds a like a real piece of work.

Everyone deals with this kind of stuff differently, but I think time is going to a significant factor in lessening the hurt. Try not to dwell on him and how he did you wrong or what he's doing with her and his new family.

I suggest starting (or just coping) by planning new familiy activities for you and your kids. Maybe you've never taken them bowling, or ice/roller skating. Something new and fun that you guys can enjoy together. Do special things for you and your kids that make you guys feel good. Don't shut your kids out!

Good luck, I stongly suggest seeing a counselor who can help you look at your situation and future objectively and make a plan. :)

Answer 5

You have a lot too digest that is on your plate and even though he is the cause of it he doesn't want to handle the biggest end of it which is his commitment to his children. Since you have so much to tackle I would suggest you handle the day to day stuff with the children and running your household first, secondly sort out your feelings and what you want and need right here and right now and no surprises here( You don't need him back) I suggest you have a mini positive melt down and go out of character briefly do something constructive you may have always wanted to do( take belly dancing lessons, learn fencing, take up kick boxing, take up boxing, knitting, pottery or etc.) it doesn't have to be wild and crazy just a little out of character for you(and no punching the other woman isn't constructive and neither is hitting him)but something that requires concentration, creativity and commitment on your part. Realize you are not an ex wife victim you are an ex wife survivor and you are in good company with others like yourself. Think of his movement as you losing pounds of energy draining, vitality choking, and useless weight. It is okay to be angry, and confused but it is not okay to let him hog and suck up your energy and breathing room with his problems. You have a lot going for you that needs to be rediscovered and enjoyed.

Bottom line: Your ex made his bed and has to lye in it but he only thinks he has made your bed too. He has managed to relieve his self of guilt and burden of crumbling his marriage and family and if he can do that so can you but you have an advantage you are not stuck in another dead end relationship with another man's responsiblities. You have really what he claims he left you for (Freedom). Make sure he pays child support and if you want it ailmony and wash your hands of him. Now, for the kids it seems you are their sole emotional support now which I am not going to lie to you it is going to be hard but the bright side is every 2nd weekend the kids get to be with daddy and you get a break and a chance to do you things.

Answer 6

Go have some fun!!! Screw him and his *&^% i have a 8 year old girl and I wouldnt trade her in for the world, specially not someone else kid.. He needs his head read or smacked in... I have an uncle what done the same thing, and in the end my aunty met a great guy and was happy and ole uncle is an alcky, who's kid resent him ha ha... It will come round to bite him in the ****, what goes round and all that.. I had a seven year relationship and it ended badly in her leaving, but ya just gotta get back on the horse and have some fun, till you find someone who's rich and hung!!!

Answer 7

I am sorry :-(

Usually when someone leaves a marriage its because they don't feel the way they did when they originally entered into it.

Your husband may just need a change in his life, or maybe he needs to day good bye to his old life. It is not about you.

For your children- be kind to him even though he might not be, always speak kindly about him infront of your kids (even if he is not). Be patient. Do not expect or accept him back, rid yourself of his stuff- place it in boxes and give it to him, if he doesn't want it then eBay is a nice place to start or GoodWill.

I am truly sorry for your experience, you sound as though you still care a great deal, and I know that can make it worse, but you need to accept that your life has and is changing.

Answer 8

it will take some time to get past the hurt, u just have to get back out there, date, even if u feel weird. marriages are always going to have their disagreements, and no one is perfect, it wasn't about u, or anything u did, this is about him, and his choices he made. men do get cold and they will hurt us when we attempt to make them do anything they don't want to do. he is totally absorbed in her right now, nothing else matters, even his own kids. it will not do any good to talk to him he won't listen to anything u say. he is completely in love with her, and until the honeymoon stage is over with, he is going to say and do mean hurtful things. he avoids u because he feels guilty, but not guilty enough to come back home and be a husband and father. accept it, when we won't accept the truth, we suffer emotionally, stay in the pain, the truth may hurt, but the truth is the only way through this very bad situation.

Answer 9

i cant believe this man did this to you and the children. dont stress over it though. i guarantee this will be a lesson learned and will only make you and your children a lot stronger than you are. you and the children will have a stronger bond. he has no excuse for putting them off once he left let alone give them an explanation for his disappearance. but you keep your head up this wont be the last of your happiness or love from a real man. however i do believe there is always two sides to a story...........and then theres the truth!

Answer 10

you have no choice but to move on with your life. what to tell your kids? the truth.that your husband no longer loves you and has found another woman. i know it will hurt like hell but that is reality. accept the pain, cry-it will help, but continue living. take care of your 3 kids. find a job if you don't have any. if you do, continue working. get busy. having friends around you definitely will help. i should know. i've been through that 1o years ago. my husband abandoned me also for another woman. what i do? i continued living. i had a kid to take care of. if it hurts, i cried-buckets. my escape that time was watching movies. and here i am now, whole again. i even learn to fall in love again. you can do it. TAKE NOTE! DESTROYING YOURSELF IS NOT AN OPTION. it will pass just hold on.