How do you deal with stress in a divorce/child custody battle?

Question

to make matters worse he is saying I am crazy(must be I left perfect wonderful him) his thinking. He is mentally abusive and talks down to me. Very arrogant and condescending. How do I keep from going insane? Sometimes I get so shaky around him I think I am going to really go crazy or at least have a nervous breakdown.....I have to still deal with him because of the kids which is what keeps me going because I know he can't handle them. He never helped out when we were together and expects perfect controlled robots. He thinks they will be when with him because he knows how to discipline...hmmm even court ordered psychological report said he is too strict..OK I am ranting SORRY....

BTW all of us had to have evaluations by a psychologist. The worst mine said is being anxious,co-dependent and jumping into another problem relationship which I have not done. His said what I already knew, problems with fatigue and listlessness after work, too authoritarian, doesn't understand child developmental milestones,trouble with intimacy(no affection unless he wanted sex)his excuse house was messy so he couldn't feel affectionate...treated more like a maid and talked to like a kid..now everything is my fault for leaving..VENTING some more..LOL plenty of older questions where I vented before I moved out which he said we should try to work on rebuilding marriage then he filed papers one month afterwards said I was seeing other men....i was going out to get a break but NOT cheating..told him everything...after I moved out he was even going with me so how could I have been cheating?

Answer 1

You aren't ranting honey, you are venting and there's a difference. Venting is good for you, and you sound like you need to do some more. I think in all this control this man had, he was controlling you too. The funny thing about that, is that he only controls what you let him control. I know you get shaky around him, I've seen it happen hundreds of times in cases like yours. But that reaction is exactly what he is looking for....so don't give him that satisfaction. Take a loved one into court with you for moral support. When it comes time to deal with visitation, always have someone around you at exchange times. And the reason is that men like this, think they are perfect. They aren't going to make an *** out of themselves in front of someone else. Fearing him eases over time. You are going through a rough time right now, but if the psychiatric evaluations are complete, you are almost to the finish line hon...hang in there just a little longer. And remember, those evaluators are trained to see him for what he really is, not what he wants them to believe he is.

As for the kids, I'm sure you know by now, they've had their chance to speak with the Guardian adlitem without either one of you present, as well as a social worker....and when mom and dad are not within earshot, and the children know they are no consequences to what they say....they talk, and they talk up a storm about their parents. That's where we gather most of our information from when making decisions regarding placement. So don't let this jerk intimidate you anymore. You have sanity on your side and after what you wrote about the psycharist's findings, I think you'll have the guardian adlitem and social worker in your corner too. Our job is to make sure the kids feel loved, accepted and are happy...doesn't sound to me like dad comes across that way. So even if he's got the "gusto"...you can tell him he's out of gas...nobody is falling for it. To us, he's just a bag of hot air, that is mad as hell that you finally wisened up and go the heck out of there. You know it, they know it, and without even knowing him...I know it. guys like that are a dime a dozen. Just remember, until he's pooping tiffany cufflinks, there is no need to let him put you down, guilt you or manipulate you to get what he wants. Instead of fearing him, next time you see him, just chuckle to yourself at how sorry you are going to feel for his next EX....guys like this don't ever stay married for long. Women are too opinionated and self sufficient in this day and age.

And if you have more on your mind, just come back to yahoo answers....it'll make you feel better to get this stuff off your chest.

Answer 2

You are going through a really tough time right now. You have to keep reminding yourself that you do not have the luxury of a nervous breakdown right now. Your kids need a sane parent and ole control freak isn't qualified. Try humor. make a commitment to one good belly laugh a day. Spend time with the kids trying to keep everything consistent during this transition and having fun with them. I thank God for my children. I had to at least pretend to be sane for their sake. Somehow in doing so I guess the as if principle kicked in. No I really am sane I just did not feel it. i also learned hat a few quiet moments before or after the kids went to bed to journal, meditate and pray helped me to strengthen my faith. At least you can see how the judge is siding with you to order psychological tests. The idea is let your life be about you and your kids. Do not let him consume you or he will win at the control game. Therapy can be helpful in talking out your problems with an objective listener. Support groups or women groups in general can also be helpful. Keep the focus on You and your children. Good Luck and congrats on your freedom.

Answer 3

Hi. I just filed for all this stuff after 6 months seperate. I already have full custody and going for full gurdianship, my divorce and a few others.

I may have it easier as I have a restraining order already although he still bothers me (but I report it to the police) and he has charges.

I am anxious to have it done and over with.

Advice I can share- get a recorder and record how he talks to you. Share it with your lawyer. Document everything. Take care of you (eat properly, sleep, exercise). Be there for the kids and doing thing with them. They are going through many things too.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

sorry to hear this. It wouldnt be a bad idea to see a therapist, to talk it out and get some guidance. I dont know your situation, but your ex sounds manipulative. Ignore his BS, dont give him any satisfaction. Thats how he is winning. Just keep your calm and speak to him to a minimum, just about the kids if need be. If you have anything to say to him, say it at a hearing w/ a lawyer. Even if you dont have it all together, act like u do when u are around him.

I wish you the best

Answer 5

wow it sounds like you are experiencing the exact same thing i did!! i'm so glad you left him. i got accused of bein crazy sleeping with anything that had a penis and also accused of being a lesbian (? what the eff ??) he went bolistic after i left him. he also thinks he is the king of discipline and the only reason they ever act up is because of me. he even talked badly about me in front of them. which caused a lot of problems at home they didn't want to listen to me etc. i told him they probably behave so well with him because they're terrified!! when my kids came hom this past time my son told me he got in trouble because he woke up daddy!! i asked if anyone else was awake in the house with him and he said no. i was so pissed off i couldn't see straight!! my son has mood disorder and has to take medicine to keep his mood stabalized and he swears i talked the doctors into putting him on medication!! (even though he was evaluated by behavior specialists, a therapist, and a psychologist!!) it's still insane. after time you'll be able to just let most of it go in one ear and out the other. he still drives me insane but not as badly. especially now that i've regained my confidence and self esteem. i just surrounded myself with people who loved me and had a third party with me when i had to get the kids from him or had him pick them up from my mother or drop them off with her. i hope things get better!! and trust me no matter what men like that will always say everything is your fault! just stop listening and keep telling yourself you are better than that.

Answer 6

you should think about getting a therapist so you'll have someone to vent to. unfortunately, eventually even your mother will stop listening to you vent, but you have to get those hurtful feelings out. a therapist can help.

you're going through a horrible patch right now. just keep remembering, it's just a bad patch. there's something good for you just down the road.

best of luck

Answer 7

As an experienced divorce attorney, I believe that your main objective is to work on recovering the low self-image you have developed after years in an abusive relationship.
You emotional development has been stunted, and you need to be stabilized and to learn to love yourself, and re-direct your focus. The custody fight is not your biggest issue.

Answer 8

I went thru this too. Just have faith and try very hard not to let it get to you. You know in your heart you are a great mom and everything will turn out ok. ;)

Answer 9

discovery how crafty you can be by painting the house,or crafts, redecorating helps me feel better