I have a question about an old bridge...?

Question

Down in Arkansas, there is a town called Stan. and in Stan theres a bridge. The bridge is about 70, 80 years old. Maybe a little paint is chipping off. Some birds live in the top of it. Theres a tiny cockroach infestation. Hobo's tend to sleep under it. Gang violence centers around it. Its been lit on fire a dozen times. Whores typically work there. More than 50 dead bodies have been found under, and on top of it. Race riots tend to start near it. Smog and a mixture of chemicals fill the air. It has sections of it missing. It doesn't look good. Some say its haunted. Others claim it has a vampiric curse put on it by the Dark Lich Kal'Theral keeper of the cursed necropolis of kranos. Inside of which resides the very scepter he used to destroy the earth titan Cragnos in the year 3434 ef. It is called the Scepter of the Vaulted Kings of the Dread Lords Army II: The Suffering. When its swung it is capable of sending a lightning bolt through anyone. Is this a good story??

Answer 1

I fine story u roped me in with the bridge aspect and kept my interest with your masterful use of words in recreating such a fundamental and epic tale of good and evil that most have forgotten. i also loved the symbolism of the down on his luck hobo living under the downtrodden bridge... it relates well to the dark lords epic struggle against the titans, with luck the bridge will be destroyed to prevent his eventual resurrection and subsequent destruction of our planet. if you have any sense u will destroy the bridge and never talk about this event again. MAY GOD SAVE YOUR SOUL!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Great story actually.

A few points though: the beginning is really really good, lots of details and coincidences. However, once you cross into the Dark Lich Kal'Theral part, it falls away.

Instead of Dark Lich, simply say 'vampire'. Most people aren't going to know a dark lich from a door latch, so giving them information they have no clue what to do with sounds...ridiculous. Besides, the more vague 'evil' is, the scarier it is (its why movies that show badguys arent as creepy as the ones that don't). Make the details of whats causing the evil vague, even have different versions of whats causing it (evil scepter, human sacrifice, long ago battle) so that the reader is helpless as to why its happening.

And cut the name of the scepter down. It sounds overblown and pompous, not evil: call it the DreadLord scepter or the Dread Army scepter, or the Soulscourge scepter, or even the Scepter of Suffering (thats good, that makes the place it inhabits attract suffering since the scepter is still radiating its malevolence.)

Heck, you can even make it so that some vampire peon stole the scepter and buried it before being consumed by its evil, and thus the scepter is simply attracting as much pain and suffering to it because that is what it was meant to do (kinda LOTR-ish, but unlike the One Ring, your scepter doesn't belong to any one particular bad guy.) You can even have several evil entities fighting over it, trying to harness its evilness, so that it simply keeps betraying everyone.

Lots of great ideas, keep it up.