Is this an abusive relationship?

Question

13 yrs of marriage. 1st year the husband got the wife down on the floor, straddled her and choked her, she was 7 months pregnant at the time. 10 years later. he lost it on her over a disagreement, and shoved her, she fell and hit her head. my friend tends to think this isn't that bad because its only happened 2 times in 13 years? am I seeing this wrong or is she blind?

Answer 1

NOT good, and are you sure that's all it has happened. maybe shes not being totally honest about it. or shes have in to walk on egg shells in her marriage to keep it... NOT worth it...

Answer 2

There's probably more she isn't telling you. Maybe things that she sees as " little things". Any man who is capable of pushing a pregnant woman too the floor and choking her, has an anger management problem. A lot of women will say Ohh it was just a slap, a push, his fist hardly connected with my head etc etc. In some relationships it becomes so common place that the wife doesn't even see it as abuse, unless it requires her too be battered , bruised, bleeding or requiring medical attention. Even then she will often turn the situation around and take responsibility herself, physical abuse most often goes hand in hand with mental/emotional abuse, which is no less damaging, but leaves no outward signs of scarring. If someone is physically abused,even on occasion, you can almost guarantee that most of the rest of the time there is some form of mental abuse being inflicted. This is a powerful weapon, it destroys self confidence,self worth, the ability to think with reason, instills self doubt, self blame,shame,guilt and feelings of worthlessness and fear.This is why so many women stay in abusive relationships, some believe they " deserve" the abuse, it was their "fault" they push him too far, they are lucky to have him "who else would put up with my stupidity,flaws and failings", he's a nice guy " i bring the worst out in him", he can't help it " he has too put up with so much ". Others will stay through fear. The fear of not being capable enough of surviving " alone " in the world, fear of pushing him to the ultimate edge and the consequences of doing so.Fear of having to protect , raise and financially support, herself and her children. All of these things are overwhelming and appear unsurmountable, at a time when you are already mentally weakened, and physically drained, while at the same time trying to function and deal with the problems and needs of everyday life, just in order too survive.It seems the only opption too some to stay and accept their lot in life. The answer is yes ,it was physical abuse, the fact that your friend is attempting to justify it, brush it off, tells me that her own self esteem may be low and there may be a reason lurking behind her protests. There is No justification.reasoning, for abuse of any kind, directed at any other human being.

Answer 3

Anything as in anything that violates a person's right is abusive regardless of the number of times or the span of time. The mere fact that she got beaten while she is pregnant deserves capital punishment cause not only the wife is at danger but also the baby inside her. I totally understand her situation cause you know what? I was once in that situation and you know when you are so in love with someone, you tend to just accept what he is doing to you. But you know, your friend just needs a wake up call. She needs someone who can make her realize that what she is going thru is not normal. That in allowing her husband to beat her will not only give permanent damage to her emotionally, physically and psychologically but her children will be too in the process. The one thing that made me left the house is when a student asked me if I was married and if my husband was beating me up. And I can't believe how casual she was asking the questions. And I found out that she and her siblings grew up watching her dad beat her mom in front of them since they were kids. She said they used to cry a lot then but then eventually realized that maybe this is what is marriage is all about. And that alone made me decide that I don't want my kids to have the concept that it is okay to inflict pain to someone you love and beating up and almost killing your partner is what is marriage is all about. Maybe you can bring her to some counselling cause definitely either she is scarred psychologically and maybe she is too scared that if she leaves, either she will be mocked by the people around her or she will eventually give up and go back and get beaten more.

Answer 4

If it's happened once it will happen again, so what it has been a couple of years apart but anyone putting their hands on another person to do harm is abuse. I grew up seeing this almost everyday and am still scared of my dad and i'm 28. This stuff never goes away and the child will remember. If he's willing to do that while she's pregnant, he's evil. Advise your friend this is abuse and that she should not stand for it, it could be much worse next time it happens.

Answer 5

That is physical abuse in the extreme. Any time a person "chokes" (the correct term is strangulation; choking means that an object is lodged in the throat, blocking air flow) another person, they are engaging in a life-threatening act. I am not surprised that he did this while she pregnant- that is often when abuse is at its worst. Even though the PHYSICAL incidents were sporadic (twice in 13 years), I would place money on it that emotional/verbal abuse of some kind persisted during that time. The best thing to do is be there for this person (if they are a friend/family member/acquaintance of some kind), do not berate them for their decisions, and refer them to the local domestic violence shelter if/when they become receptive to the idea. (I was a domestic violence victim's advocate for three years)

Answer 6

It doesn't matter how often it happens............IT IS ABUSE! She could have died both times. And the baby she was caring could have died. She needs to get out before he kills her. He shouldn't get so mad that he hurts her. That's not love at all. Please tell her to leave and get help. There is so much help out there. She can go into hiding and he won't find her because chances are he will hunt her down if she leaves. Hopefuly not though. She better leave when he's asleep or something but she better leave. The next time could kill her. Plus, Why would she want to live everyday of her life on her toes wondering whether or not he's going to abuse her next. And he probably has done it more than twice, she just doesn't tell you about the other times.

Answer 7

If her friends don't think that only twice in 13 years is that bad then their not her friends. How would they like it if someone ONLY choked them once and knocked them down. Would they still think that it was OK? I was married to a man that did the same thing to me over 27 years of marriage. I am now divorced and so much happier. If you care for this friend of yours at all, Please Please Help her to find help at any Womens Resource Center. There was just a woman in Michigan killed by her husband that was being abused. It will never stop! It only escalates. Good-Luck I can't get my picture to change by my answer. I'am not Bradley or Male.

Answer 8

Of course she thinks it's not that bad! And yes she is blinded by the fact that she thinks that it's ok because it's only happened twice in 13 years! And I bet she has seen a movie where a husband beats up his wife and she cringes while watching this coward and hopes to god that this woman leaves his sorry ***!

Answer 9

These are the actions of abuse. It should never happen even once, but especially to a pregnant woman. These are probably just the major occurrences and she may not see some of the "every day" disagreements as abuse. He may put her down often and use verbal abuse to go along with physical abuse. He would benefit from seeing a therapist (so wound she). Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 10

The husband is a coward and weak. He is not a Real and should lose his husband status. This unlawful behavior is just the beginning and it will increasingly intensify and worsen. If something isn't done to help the situation her death could be the result. She needs to leave him for a while until he can find himself again. Or professional help may be needed.
The abuse may have always been there but not noticed.

Answer 11

I am a big man[325 pounds and have kicked my share of butt]. I have been married 34 years and have never ever touched her in anger and would kill any S.O.B. that tried. Her first husband was a wife beater and a child abuser. He trembles with fear at the sight of me because I let him know what I will do to him if he ever bothers her again, and he knows from true stories he has heard about me that I make no idle threats. Men who hit women and children are cowards.