How Can I Forgive and Forget???

Question

My wife had an affair 7 years ago and our lives have never been the same. I made the choice to stay with her and give her another chance but it still haunts me to this day. It pops into my head...sometimes I get depressed and sometimes I get angry. I just don't know what to do because I want to move on and not be dragged down by this but it just keeps happening. I still love her but I don't have the trust that I had and I have no idea how to get that back. I'm sure I haven't forgiven her and I know I need to do that but I don't know how - it caused so much hurt that I just don't see how to get past it. Sometimes I just want to leave her even after all these years.

Answer 1

To be able to move Forward you HAVE to let the past go. You do not stand a chance of making this marriage work if you cannot. It will take you a long time to regain the trust again, but if you love her allow her to show you she can..

Answer 2

I've been through that as well. My husband had an affair with a so-called friend of mine and it hurts like hell. You can forgive, but honestly, you will NEVER forget. It will always be there, lingering in the background for the rest of your relationship. I can't tell you to stay or leave, but counseling does help. There are great marriage counselors out there that can offer assistance. We attended and it did help, however, my husband opted to quit the counseling because he didn't think he needed help! I stayed with him for 3 years after the affair, but ended up getting a divorce because I just couldn't do it anymore. I trusted him, but I didn't love him anymore the way a wife should love a husband. If you truly love your wife, you can work it out.

Answer 3

Forgiveness is very healing. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you forget what they did....that will stay in the back of your mind. But forgiveness will help you as well. Once you forgive someone , it will be easier for you to not have it in the forefront of your mind anymore. It will stop controlling your thoughts. You have to put the past behind you if you want to stay married. The past is done and can't be changed. Live for today and look to your future together. Take it one day at a time and let her actions prove that she can be trusted again.

Answer 4

To be honest, if I were married and my husband cheated on me, I know I would never be able to forgive and forget. Some thing you just can't move on from. And I don't think anyone would fault you for that, especially since you gave it another 7-year-shot.

Have you tried couple's therapy? That could work. What does your wife think about the whole situation?

If you seriously don't think you'll ever be truly happy with her, move on. I know it's hard when you've been married for a while, but you deserve to find someone who can trust completely. People do it, and like I said, she cheated on you, no one would fault you for moving on.

Answer 5

plz read>>> if you knw she cheated on you by any conflict make sure you fix that conflict but if no.you can forgive by moving on and about forgetting is a diffrent thing. the only way your going to forget is if you have a blck out or something. the best thing to do is to move on and forgive her . forgetting and forgiving are two diffrent things the real idea is to forgive in order to " forget". theirs only so much you can do ... you don't have deal with this you can either walk away or move on because i don't think bieng together in this situation is going to make things any beter. Its really up to you ... do risk what you can .. risk what you can afford. seek some counseling if you really want to make this work and you think you can't do this on your own. talk to your significant other about it. always remember that you can't change the past but you can change what is about to happen or is going on. Listening to others that have the same conflict of not being able to forgive will not be such helpful but instead just understanding you rather than understanding need need help. the biggest goal of a human is to try to be happy.. .do you really think you are trying to by thninkin this over and over again. you can keep doing this to your self if its only going to cause you harm. you can't always be happy you can always be sad but don't forget your goals. or maybe its time to establish some. Remember " THIS TOO WILL PASS" i know you probably heard it before, you have said it, or just know it but sometimes you just need to hear from somebody else in order to remeber what you've seem to have forgotten or is ignoring within your pain. really seek some help if you want to save your mirrage and regain some happiness. remember that God forgives us and that we all make mistakes and if we don't learn from them then we are not really sorry. the purpose of saying sorry is meaning that you are showing that you are and not commiting the same mistake over and over again.

Answer 6

With the help of God you will be able to forgive her. Unfortunately the forgetting part isn't as easy but if you know in your mind that she does feel awful about the mistake she made in the marriage then that is good. The original bridge you two built is broken but you can build a new bridge and it can be better than ever.

Answer 7

cheating is something that we percieve incorrectly. we take it as a personal defeat, as an insult, as confirmation that we are inadequate. in order for you to feel better about yourself (step one), you have to understand that her cheating had absolutely nothing to do with you, nor was it about you. its all about her insecurity and needing validation anywhere she can find it. by cheating, she is fooling herself into believing she is a desireable person. not sexually, desireable in general. it is a self-esteem issue. get her into counselling (step two). not marriage counselling (yet), but a therapist to help her work through her self-esteem issues. if you truly love her, which it sounds like you do, you need to look at this from a different standpoint. think of it as you would any medical problem. she needs help to heal and live a good life free of these issues she carries around with her, and that affect her judgements. after she has had a few months of counselling (by no means the end), start marriage counselling. be open and not judgemental. remember your goal is to fix a problem. to build a stable life for both of you. way more marriages have survived cheating than you would think. you can do it if she will work on it as well.

Answer 8

Would it help if she sat down and went over all the details of her affair? Describe his 6 pack abs and how long, thick and veiny his manhood was. Describe how he had to stuff his sock in her mouth to muffle her loud screams during her multiple orgasms.

Maybe after hearing it all, you'll be satisfied and it won't haunt you anymore.

Answer 9

I have been thru this myself and it really has nothing to do with getting past it but the fact that you and your wife never worked on the real problem. It becomes easy to focus on it b/c you are unhappy or it comes to play. I say start over with her. new life type thing. it can be done

Answer 10

Time is the healer, but if you cannot forget what happened 7 years ago I suggest that you let her know what this is doing to you and try to compramise.