I've been married to my husband for 20 years. We are now going through a divorce. I was only 16 when I married him, and he kept me from getting an education, working, and having friends. He even kept me from having a good relationship with my family. I moved around with him a lot because of his job and I stayed home to take care of our three children. Now that we have separated, I'm going to college, making friends, and have restored my relationship with my family. i feel like I'm on the right track and was just wondering if anyone could offer advice for dealing with the emotional pain that I still feel when I think about how much I lost by giving this abusive man so much of my life.
2007-03-02 00:13:06 · 15 answers · asked by philly 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Try not think about the experience in terms of total loss. Use different discriptions, accurate but not so dour. Such as "payed some heavy dues', or "learned the hard way", "School of hard knocks". " Shot at an missed, s*it at an hit". I think your doing remarkably well considerin. You seem in control, lucid, write well, much better than some, including me. Best to you, Keep up the good work.
2007-03-02 00:26:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First things first: Use local resources available to you! Find your local domestic violence shelter (if you feel up to it) and speak to an advocate. They can find counseling for you during your emotional recovery (if you so desire). They can also help you obtain any other resources you may need right now.
Next, talk!!! If you have understanding friends or family members, talk to them about whatever you are feeling. It is always best to let those emotions out!
Finally, it sounds like your husband was very emotionally abusive (forbidding you from working, seeing your family, etc.). Make a list of all of the things you were denied during your marriage and start doing them! Self-empowerment is so crucial in overcoming a past marked with abuse.
Also, realize that you are NOT alone. Your local shelter may know of support groups where you can meet other women (they are out there,all over!) who are going through the same experiences as you and commiserating with others can be such great therapy!
*Hugs* You have done the brave- and the RIGHT- thing for you and your children.
2007-03-02 08:43:06 · answer #2 · answered by Amy S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since he did not let you learn or let you go to college or work then vow in your heart to do that now. Got to school and get a job. Meet new people and make new friends . Have fun:) Yes it seems like you are finally getting on the right and positive track in life so that is great. You may also need counseling to help you get past the pain of what he did to you in the past. Also be the best mom you can be to your kids and do fun stuff with them as well. Who knows maybe someday you will be ready to try dating again and maybe even find a wonderful guy who will love and treat you right to settle down with. I am so proud of you for getting away from this situation and for doing right for you and the kids. You are an inspiration to all of us as women! Let your kids get to know your family really well and have fun with their cousins and grandparents. I am so happy for you:) Here comes lots of hugs to you today.
2007-03-02 01:33:37 · answer #3 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pain is weakness leaving your body... At first it seems like you lost all your comfort. Be brave because you are still alive! Many women die in abusive relationships, I was almost one of them. Understand that none of what he did to you was your fault! You only responded in the only way you knew how to at the time.... You actions in improving your life is an inspiration! The only thing I can offer is if you take a look back at where you were and how much you have improved and grown, keep it close to you and you will see that your pain is leaving because you have become so much stronger!
2007-03-02 00:46:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are on the right track!! That is on thing you need to hold on to. I was in the same situation, not as long, but still had to deal with the same feelings when our marriage was over. One of the things I hang on to is the fact that I am trying to do better with my life. You can not go back and change what happened while you were married. You can, and are, change what will happen to you from now on. I know it is hard not to think back to what was, but you have to make a real effort everyday to NOT think back on things. Yes, you are who you are today because of what you went through, but you will be so much better when you realize you are better off without him!!!
2007-03-02 01:12:34 · answer #5 · answered by ladybugg0224 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everything is a learning experince look at it that way.
He didn't take form you, he gave you an education that you can not get from school. You also got to raise your children and had a chance to really know them, a lot of women do not get that. Change you attitude form pain to thanks you got a lot of life training form him thank him for it and move on you will be able to help others in the same situation you are still young and have a lot to offer. you can never have enough life expeience. And the one thing that got me through was this. they say that God only gives you what you can handle. So therefore you are one tough cookie, use it to your advantage.
2007-03-02 00:46:32 · answer #6 · answered by Mary B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep doing what you are doing; concentrate on the present and future and forget about the past. As Jim Croce said, :after all, it's what we've done that makes us who we are". Take the lessons that you have learned from this experience and apply them to make better decisions in your life from now on.
My wife was in an abusive marriage for 20 years and I was in one for 8. We have been married to each other for 13 years and feel that what we have learned is to demand respect from one another which is a valuable lesson in marriage and life.
Congratulations on getting out and keep looking forward.
2007-03-02 00:19:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm happy 4 u right now,since u know what u want do and are doing.Heal yourself that he wasn't good 4 u and he didn't deserve such an excellent and truthful life.Over the years,show the love that u had 4 him 2 his 3 children.Don't take the anger on them.Hope u succeed in whatever u do and god bless.
2007-03-02 00:21:32 · answer #8 · answered by FreeHuGs 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Therapy is always good. But it sounds like you are on the right track now. Just take it slow and remember that not all guys are like your ex. Stay in contact with your family and see them or talk to them as often as you can. Family is always the best help. Good luck in your future.
2007-03-02 01:45:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
there will be pain involved in this, embrace the pain as the pain is a great teacher, its through the pain when we change. we begin to realize what we never could before.best to not focus on the past or what u lost, just focus on your life now and how wonderful it is going to be. don't blame yourself for this, you were young than, now you have learned a painful lesson. love is blind, it can't see ahead, or see faults in someone we think we love. good luck
2007-03-02 00:29:18 · answer #10 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋