We came to live in Africa on a short contract 18 months ago. Six months later I had to go abroad for 2 months for a major life-saving op. While I was away he started an affair with a local girl who works in the market. He promised he would end it but never did. When I discovered she'd had an abortion and was pregnant again I asked him to leave. Haven't seen him since and am much more at peace, but he sees the boys several times a week. Turns out he's had quite a few affairs. I'm planning to move home with the boys, but once we go it'll be hard for them to see their Dad more than once or twice a year. I think he plans to stay long-term; he's scared he won't get work elsewhere. The school here is not very good and I need family and friends around who love me... But, guys, I need your advice, especially if you grew up with a long-distance Dad. Is this going to work out OK for my boys, or am I making a big mistake? I'd do anything rather than hurt them.
2007-03-01 22:07:08 · 11 answers · asked by clio 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Oh I feel so sorry for you. Either way it's hard, I'm glad you are putting them first above everything. I think you should make the move, if the school is bad and you have bad memories from that place, it would be the best thing all round. If he wants to see his boys he should make the effort. He sounds like a horrible person and you don't need him in your life. He will still see his children after all. I think you should go for it and maybe you could meet a new man who would be better to you and your boys. What the hell is wrong with Jo, there are some insensitive fools on here. Not every man cheats and plenty of people are just raised by their mothers. They grow up to be wonderful people.
2007-03-01 22:12:04 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He cheated. That by it's self is reason to end the relationship. Once trust is gone there is not much left for a relationship to work. My opinion. That is your first concern, end or not. Next is where you want to be, your home. Then you can think about your sons relationship with their father. I grew up without a father until I was 37 years olds, he came back into my life than and remarried my mother. I think my mother could have done better in picking a husband, but that was her choice. I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters, we all have issues about growing up the way we did but all of us are reasonably normal people and you get over the childhood issues when you become an adult and look back at your parents decisions as an adult. I have a lot of wonderful memories of growing up and the bad ones I just try to leave alone, not having a father around hurts as a kid but you can better understand things when you get to be older.
2007-03-02 06:23:52 · answer #2 · answered by life is good and bad 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think there's one right or wrong answer, just think about what is best for your boys. Are they happy living where they are now? Would they find it difficult to pick up and move? It also depends on their age as to whether the move will affect them. How has the father reacted to the thought of moving? I lived with a father who didnt care about me or my mother for 3 years. She then chose to move to another state where she meet my now step-father whom I call my Dad. To me he is my dad, maybe not biologically, but he has cared and provided for me. You haven't mentioned the boys father's relationship with their father, if it is a good one then it could be detremental to the boys life that they stay with their father. Ultimately you have to decide what is best for the boys, as well as yourself, to be able to bring them up in the best possible environment for them.
2007-03-02 06:16:01 · answer #3 · answered by strawberry_fairy_6 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was raised solely by my father but I can tell you that if you tell them the truth from moment one it will not hurt. They will still need to see they're father when possible and when they request but you gotta find a good man who will make the most positive impact on them or they will grow to be just like him. Go home, take them, and live well.
2007-03-02 06:11:55 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think considering what you have gone through with surgery and to find out he had some affairs on you, then I think you need to be wiht your family and friends. Shame on him for cheating on you, to me it shows he is thinking of himself and not his family. If this move to Africa was for only 18 months and you guys were going to move back to the States and now he doesnt want to, sounds like he is enjoying his playing around life. It is his choice now to decide if he wants to be a part of his boys life, or choose to stay in Africa to play around. Your boys will be fine, they will have you and a loving family around them. Hopefully your ex will come to his senses and move to be closer to his sons. My kids grew up without their father, the fathers choice, and they did just fine. They did do fine for they had alot of love around them, not just by me but family and friends. You dont deserve to be treated that way and neither do your boys. I say move back to where you all have support of family and friends. You will be happier and so will your sons which you deserve. Shame on the father for cheating on you so many times. Sounds like he needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities. Good luck to you, you guys will be okay!
2007-03-02 06:17:39 · answer #5 · answered by helen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It really depends on if he's a good dad or not, if he is then your probally making a mistake if he's a bad dad then hey it could be the best decision. Just go with your heart a bet you make the right choice.
2007-03-02 06:20:40 · answer #6 · answered by Dusty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Their father will only be a bad influence on them. He has lied, and been unfaithful--not only to you, but to his children--who he's supposed to be there for.
You do need to be with your loved-ones, and so do those boys. Let them see what good people are.
2007-03-02 06:17:46 · answer #7 · answered by Holiday Magic 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he's not the kind of person you want your children to turn out like anyway.
Your boys will be much better off.
2007-03-02 06:10:05 · answer #8 · answered by kenniemcooper 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hi i am 15 yer and it sounds to me that he hurt you but just think of wot it would do to your boys. parents to ask their kids wot they want as i know. so ask your boys what they want to do you can get a new boyfriend or husand but they can not get a new dad u know wot i mean .
2007-03-02 06:20:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe u should take a serious advice from a councilor or some spiritual leader
2007-03-02 06:12:07 · answer #10 · answered by coolgal 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋