why doesnt my boyfriend want to get married but he loves me and he wants us to move in together but i want to get married first.. hes not scared of committment.. so why doesnt he want to? he says its because he has issues, and just gives excuses..
2007-03-01 16:46:32 · 24 answers · asked by !*notblonde*! 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
thank you everyone for your responses, they are very helpful. i have a little more to add .. he says he loves spending all the time he can with me (when hes not working ) and when he is.. lol.. like i will pick him up from work (10 hrs or less) and hes happy to see me and like the other night i took him with me and my son (1yr old) to wal-mart just because and he said he loved a 3 hrs of it. lol.. he said he is affraid that i will get tired of him not him getting tired of me and that i might want to back out of the relationship and that it would be alot harder if we were married, i told him that i love him and that he is the only one for me.. funny i have only been with him since july 11th of 2006 . and i have never wanted to get married to anyone that i truly didnt love.. i lived with other men and they wanted to marry me.and i declined . i know it sounds wierd but i want to let him know that i wont screw it up and that i support him no matter what his choice is..yes i hope..help!
2007-03-01 18:56:21 · update #1
Oh.... I'm sorry but I don't know what the "issues" are.
Maybe he saw how his parents/close relatives were in their marriage. Maybe they fought a lot and didn't get along much, so he doesn't want that with you.... it's natural for him to get scared if this is the case..
Even otherwise, I can give you some reasons why many guys are scared of getting married. The thing is, he's committed to you right now, absolutely, and he can face that fact a lot better when he's with you out of his choice rather than wedlock.
In the eyes of a guy, here's the difference between a relationship and a marriage. He wakes up in the morning during a relationship and thinks to himself, "Isn't it great to be with her???" Basically, each day, it's a new start for him with you. He feels like he could've been with anyone, but he's with you, and he can imagine being with/fantasize being with anyone, but everyday, he chooses you. It's not a "favour", but he feels special that you guys share such a unique bond. With marriage, he may wake up and think, "This is it, this is the woman I'm with." Of course, he wouldn't like to change it, but the special feeling of being with you by choice rather than wedlock is gone.
And obviously, it's a fact that marriage changes a lot of things, some in a good way and a few in a bad way. He's just really afraid of the bad. He doesn't want you guys to take each other for granted, just cuz you're married. Let him know that that won't happen. Promise him you both will forever be "boyfriend and girlfriend" who are married :-) Let him know that you'll give him his space when he needs it, and that you'll take your space when you need it.
Reassure him that there's no reason to be afraid of getting married.... and you know what? If he still pulls away, don't pressure him, for he'll absolutely run. Instead, tell him what's on your mind, and that he can take as much time as he needs to decide to get married. This may seem unfair to you, but trust me, once you do this, he'll see that you support him, that you understand him, and he'll be much more compelled to see the great things about you guys being married. :-)
2007-03-01 17:01:29 · answer #1 · answered by Praveen C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know. My lover wants to get married. Niether of us wanted to get married ever when we moved in together, but once we realised how much we love living together, we decided throwing a party and doing the stupid ritual was acceptable. Marriage isn't made on weddings and rituals, it's made through commitment, love and lots of communication. My lover and I consider ourselves married since the day we committed, but we haven't thrown the party yet.
Weddings are like little games. Too many people focus on weddings and forget about the reason for the wedding, that being the relationship! Maybe he's just afraid he'd end up like that, marrying you and then thinking, "wow, even though I love this woman, I really hate living with this person."
Living together first is the best option. Statistically, it used to be that couples who live together prior to marriage had a higher divorce rate, but these days it's not that way at all. Besides, statistics clearly leave out things like why a couple got married. I'm sure there are plenty of couples living together and getting married simply because of an unplanned pregnancy or that they think it will fix things in their relationship or that marriage will change their relationship some how. Living together isn't commitment though, but neither is a wedding for most couples especially those who sign pre-nups!
He's probably not afraid of commitment, but simply not ready for a commitment to you yet. Give him time. He's still getting to know you. If you're not comfortable living together prior to marriage, tell him you don't want to move in together until you're married.
2007-03-02 01:02:45 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes it's because a man wants an easy escape plan, but I doubt that's him.
What I think is that he is not afraid of marriage, but divorce. There is nothing like that word to scare the life out of any man. No matter how much we love a woman, divorce is the ultimate threat that women hang over husbands. It's even scarier than holding a gun to a man's head.
Maybe suggest a prenuptial agreement?
2007-03-02 00:54:43 · answer #3 · answered by A dad & a teacher 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Can't generalize men that way. I always wanted to get married. Some guys want to and some don't. Often it has to do with ceremony, standing in front of people. Some want to and some don't. It can also depend on past experiences. Some people don't want to get married because they are already divorced and lost alot from it, or seen some friend's and/or relatives go through divorce and it scared them.
2007-03-02 00:52:01 · answer #4 · answered by Malcolm L 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Many guys like to give it a test run. However, living together without the thought of getting married and commitment of marriage usually doesn't end well. At least according to many studies. I would make him respect my wishes. If he really loves you, he will respect you and wait until he feels ready for marriage. If it isn't that big of a commitment issue and is ready to live with you, why wouldn't he?
2007-03-02 00:58:02 · answer #5 · answered by Kelsey 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
because he must be smart, why should he get married, what is in it for a man, nothing that most live in girlfriends wont do, only thing is when it ends with a girlfriend she goes her way you go yours, with an ex wife, you could end up paying her for the rest of your life, or worse you have kids and a wife and a house, she gets the kids the house and then her new boyfriend moves into the house, and they never get married, so now your paying for her boyfriend to live in your house and screw your ex, just great and what does the guy get, an ulcer from working so much to pay for all the alimony and child support he has to pay, boy I wonder why men don't want to get married any more?
2007-03-02 01:09:02 · answer #6 · answered by Sir Hard & Thick 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Stick to your morals. Many guys would rather play house than commit to women. It is their way to get the benefits of marriage without worrying about getting tied down. If it starts getting too restraining or boring to him he can tell you to get out! If he loves you enough to want you as a housemate then he should love you enough to marry you and make it legitimate. His issues amount to not wanting to be man enough to admit he can't commit to you because he's not ready to say goodby to being single - it's called immaturity. If he says he needs to know you better before getting married, tell him it's no different than buying a car. You don't drive a car around for a year or two before you commit to buying it. If you truly love someone you commit to them. I lived with my first wife prior to marriage and it didn't last because we were both to immature. My second wife and I married when I was 35 and she was 32. We both stated we would not live together and it was a marriage that was heaven on earth until I lost her to cancer. Take it from an old man who knows!!!!!!!
2007-03-02 01:02:28 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
many reasons he might feel traped and guys have that thing about spreading their seed and he might want to see if living together will work getting married is the biggest thing a person has in their life a life partner because if he is like me marrage is for life just think about the tax breaks ur getting now
wendy b is so right we dont want to be hurt and we are like male animals its in the genes sorry
2007-03-02 00:56:36 · answer #8 · answered by johneonykk 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Do not move in with him. If it is important to you that you get married first, you will be unhappy with the compromise.
If he has issues, then he needs to resolve them before you have a committed relationship, whether as husband and wife or significant others.
2007-03-02 00:54:13 · answer #9 · answered by Tip Top 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My honest 56 year old opinion is that men in their blood are more like wild creatures, they don't like domestication like women do. They are more like the male animal that wants to mate and then roam and then come back. I am NOT insulting them, I think it is in them and they fight this constantly. maybe a man can follow up my post and clarify true feelings. men keep their soft spot, their hearts hidden and when they do totally open up and commit, they are so scared of being really really hurt.
2007-03-02 00:51:07 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋