Would this be selfish of me?

Question

My husband and I are recovering from the aftermath of an affair on his part. Things were going well until he got this new job. He works an hour away and works 10-14 hours a day. He never comes home before the kids are in bed. His kids barely see him, I barely see him, trust is still a huge issue and i want to know if it would be selfish to throw in the towel cuz I just cant stand sitting here all day and night by myself wondering what hes 'really' doing, who he's 'really' with and explaining to my children why their dad is never home. I'm practically a single mom anyway, I'm lonely, I'm tired of doing this 'alone'. Sometimes I just think I would be better off without him than with him. At least if I wasnt his wife anymore, I wouldnt have all this added stress and worry about what hes really doing. Or should i have faith and keep on trying? I still love the man, I'm just tired of his damn job coming before his whole family.

I'm pretty sure he's at work when he says he is. I can call the office at anytime, even late, and he's there. Its just still a nagging feeling wondering if on those days that I dont call to check in, cuz I do try to give him trust, if that is the day he left early, ya know what I mean?

Answer 1

After having being caught cheating ,i would have thought he would be making a greater effort in regaining your trust. He is bound to realize that he is instilling doubt in your mind by never being home / working late and not spending time with you and your children.I personally couldn't live in circumstances where i was always stressed, wondering, waiting and living in doubt. As hard as it would be to leave, i think the sense of relief of being out of the situation, would, in the long term, make me glad i made the move. I don't mean too sound pessimistic, but the way he is behaving would make me suspicious about his intentions of embarking on a new affair at some stage in the future.

Answer 2

I can understand exactly how you feel. I stay at home with my 3 children, 16,4 and 9 months. Also his 87 yr old aunt lives with us too. My husband works constantly. Let me just give you advice that is really for myself. I can only tell you what I have done and still do. First, I pray a lot. If it were not for JESUS being in life I couldn't do this. I feel like sometimes I am last on his list and everyone and everything is more important. I am sure that you can relate to this. I totally get the trust thing also. Maybe you should pray and ask the LORD what you should do. Also have a talk with your husband, which I am sure that you have done this numerous times before. Be honest, but not angry. Remind him that he is missing out on important mile stones in his children's lives that can never be recaptured.
I know this is not the greatest advice, but I will be praying for your family.
God Bless you and your husband and children.
Gina-

Answer 3

Okay this is a touchy situation but you have to really think about what you think is best for you and your kids. First, I want to say that you have to separate you from your kids. Just because you decide to leave your husband doesn't mean that you can take the kids or decide that they are better without him. Trust me I think that the affair was just an ultimate form of deception and something that I would find extremely difficult to forgive. However, you already made the choice to forgive; you stayed with him even though he had the affair therefore you have to give this a real chance.
He has a lot; I mean a lot of making up to do. The needs to prove to you that you can trust him and while you'll probably never fully trust him again. Maybe you guys should try counseling. I don't think that you have fully expressed how much you hate what he did and what it did to you. I know you won't forget, but if you want to make this work for your family and for yourself than you have to find a way to open your heart and forgive, not forget, I know you can't forget that kind of pain but you can learn to forgive him. If you really want to make it work. I'm not sure of your religious beliefs but God forgives us when we sin and even though we'll probably sin again he still loves us more and more. Try to remember why you married your husband, why you fell in love with him and then make that decision. Express yourself and then take sometime and think about because whether you stay married to him or not he will always be a part of your life..You have children together....

"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we make love, and broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die--for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs. There is only one remedy for it. [forgiveness]

Lewis B. Smedes - Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve


For some advice from someone who's gone through what you have and has chosen to forgive go to: http://www.oprah.com/tows/slide/200411/20041101/slide_20041101_101.jhtml

Pray to God and ask that he reveal to you the best decision.

Good Luck and keep the hope alive...

Answer 4

Trusting someone you love after they have been unloyal to the relationship is a hard thing to do. I'm married and I ask myself those same questions. If I was single I wouldn't be stressed out. He's working all the time so that leaves me to do everything all the time anyway, so what's the use. I guess the right thing to tell you would be to talk to him first to see if there's a way to cut back time to spend time with you all. Does he have to work so much? Or is he doing it because he wants to? And you have to think about the children. I feel your frustrations. Keep praying and know that HE is listening and hopefully you'll see some results soon.

Answer 5

I'd try and see a marriage counselor. They can not only help you get through your trust issues, but help the two of you decide what's going to be best for your future. It's sounds like one of you has to change. Either you need to work with what you've got and understand he's trying to take care of his family. Or he needs to decide that work will be there pretty much until he dies - but the kids will grow up and he'll be sad he's missed out on that.

Answer 6

why would you want to throw in the towel now; have faith and keep; you don't need to sit and worry about it not for one second longer; worrying won't stop anything from happening; it will just cause more problems. find a hobby, you should be glad he has a job and is working; maybe you can send the kids to grandma's or a friends for a weekend and the two of you can just relax and have you time....

Answer 7

Have you considered moving closer to where he works to cut the traveling time. Just think if your close enough he could have another hours and a half with you. Even come home for lunch. Tell him that he is missing is children's childhood and that he needs to make some concessions or he won't be part of their life.

Answer 8

Actually, I can say, been there, done that. Can your relationship recover from a severe break in trust? I know that mine couldn't... For me, the wondering about where he was / who he was with, was something that never diminished, not even a little bit, even though I gave it almost a year. To me, it sounds like you already know what you need to do. Time to start thinking about YOURSELF first for a change.

Answer 9

affair aftermath???Cheating isn't the end of the world. We are all human, we all have needs, men are weaker....
Sounds like he's working for you, does he spend all his money on you guys? Then whats the problem. Tell him to get a job closer, or less hours. You need to change your attitude about cheating or else it will kill u. Life is short, enjoy it.
Peace.

Answer 10

i know a lot of people won't agree with me, but i could never trust my husband again if he cheated. and what's a marriage without trust? i would leave him. it would be hard, but you would be better off in the long run. i would only stay and try to work it out if you think you can REALLY trust him again. if you can then you are a better person than me b/c i couldn't do it.