How do I move on?

Question

My fiance/boyfriend and I have just broken up after a long struggle with trying to make the relationship work. I was ok with him but he was not ok with me. . .So many things about me that he didn't like or things/mistakes I made that he could never get over (nothing serious) . .He is a very pedantic person and I was willing to work with that, but he seemed to think that I was too flawed to be with him. I am still heart broken & still kind of in denial.

HOW do I get over this broken down relationship and move on? I am moving out of the house we bought together in a couple of weeks. It's so painful for me because I invested so much into this relationship emotionally etc & now I feel it's all been thrown back in my face. I wanted to work things out but he wants me to go. But strangely wants to see if things can be rekindled once I've moved out (which I think is a bit bizzare). I just need some words of advice as to how to build a bridge, get on with my life & not look back.

It wasn't me that wanted him to change. I was fine with him. I loved (still love) him warts and all. It was/is him that doesn't like me for me. . wants me to change and be different. He wanted to change me, but that's just not really possible.

Answer 1

It's not your fault, if as you say he can't get over the minor "mistakes" he accused you of making/ he thinks you are "too flawed" to be with him, you are better off without him. If you love and care for someone a big part of that is being tolerant of each others little flaws and failings. At the moment you are feeling hurt, rejected and your self confidence has been shattered. Instead of dwelling on him, think of yourself and why you think yourself worthy of his criticism. Is he completely without faults ? Do you make allowances for him and beat your self up emotionally for "not being good enough" ? Do you have too put more effort into the relationship than he does in an effort to please ? If the answer is yes too these questions, then it is time too take control of your own life and go in search of all the wonderful things you deserve from it. Try investing more of your emotions in yourself, maybe once you do you will realize that you ARE worth more than what he was prepared to offer you. Going by what i read in your posting, he sounds controlling and demanding, without offering much in return. This could be a flaw in his own nature which may never change, do you want too go through life with him, feeling that you are never good enough/not living up too his expectations and feeling you have too be grateful that he's even tolerating you being around ? Let him be the one with regrets when he sees you walk away with your head held high, and make a success of your future, this is your chance too experience new things,and take up new challenges, it is not an ending it is a continuation on the journey through your life. The best thing about it is you have the lessons of the past to use in order to make a better future. Never accept being second best, you are the best, and deserved to be treated with respect, anyone one who can't see that in the future, tell them to walk on by.

Answer 2

Sounds like your self-esteem has been deflated... you can best move on by working on recognizing all of the goodness you have as a person and stop focusing on "what he did not see or acknowledge in you".

I totally understand... been there, done that... but I've tossed the T-Shirt. Why should anyone want to be coupled with someone who looks at us as being inferior, not good enough, or less than them?

If you're thinking about building a bridge between you and him, keeping a door open... you will never be able to move ahead in a positive direction... he will see to it that you don't. Close the door to this past... remember the lessons learned and know which of them to say "NO" to and the ones you keep because they bring a smile to your face.

Good luck... you can do it.

Answer 3

I am going through a hard break up right now so I feel for you...I rather it would have been me move out than him..Cause I am stuck in this house with so many memories! It sounds like he has alot of flaws...people shouldn't try to CHANGE people in the relationship...if he is trying to do this then I believe he isn't right for you. You need someone to love you for you...I know its going to be hard..Believe me I know. I try to get out of the house and do things with my friends..As time goes by..you will get stronger..If he does want you back..Have a LONG talk and make sure he wants YOU..not some image he has in his head...Maybe you can rekindle..Good Luck

Answer 4

Hon, you have got it bad. He is the one who is flawed not you. If someone loves you, it should be unconditional, you take the good with the bad. If he is so picky now think of what it would be like in ten years if you gain a few pounds or you wreck the car. Get out now and find someone who will love you just the way you are. If you have fallen in love it is hard to fall out of love but when you get to the point he makes your self esteem go then you need to go and not look back.

To get him out of your system write him a long letter letting him know how you feel and that this is good-bye. If you try to talk to him he can comment and not let you get it all out. In a letter you cry your heart out as you write but it is one way to say it all without stopping. If you don't want to give it to him, don't but you got it out of your system. He is the loser here, he will not realize what he has lost till you are really gone.

Answer 5

Your hubby has all the symptoms of a cheater. when a man finds a new love/women, he put's more in it than he can live up to. Therefore, during the breakup men tend to make it clear that its over but there may be a slight chance of reconciliation. This way they buy time to make the new relationship work and it case it doesn't they have you to fall back on.

p.s. You need to understand that the pain he will continue to cause you is not worth reconciliation. You are worth more than just being his stand by girl. Find your dignity and let this man go.

Answer 6

The first mistake you both made was in purchasing a home together when you weren't completely satisfied with who each other were. You don't even think about sharing a life together let alone a house payment until you accept each other the way you are. If you are out to mold someone into something that pleases you then you are fooling yourself into thinking that's true love. Forget trying to patch things up with him and try finding someone that doesn't require a remodeling to suit your taste.

Answer 7

Your heart will heal. I know how it feels too. Most of us know too. If you are not the right person for him, believe me, he is not the right person for you as well. Believe in that. The Universe is conspiring to give you a good surprise, and you will look back and say... what was i thinking about at that time.
You deserve soemone that loves you baby. Someone that helps you, protects you and applause you.
Feel compasion for yourself, cry because we all have limitations and have no control over many things in life.
Tomorrow will be a better day, and you will smile again.
Life is great, and there is no way you can avoid being happy.

Answer 8

There's something very wrong with your fiance and for him to turn it around on you just shows his insecurities but that does not mean that you can "change" him. You need to move from being in denial to making a decision to leave him and put that into action. It will be hard to move on at first but you need to find strength through the people around you who care and support you.

It's sounds as if he wants to have "control" over you. You deserve someone who is going to love you for who you are and be willing to work through the difficult times in life. If you were to marry him then what would life be with him then? It would not be any different if not worse.

You will get through this but you need to make the first step to move on.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Answer 9

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I personally know how tough these things can be. They turn your entire world upside down.

Even though you were not married, I would still strongly suggest going to some kind of program like Divorce Care. You can go to www.DivorceCare.com to find a local group to attend; the total cost is around $15 for materials.

RB

Answer 10

I guess he just feels your relationship lacks the zing it used to have..coz of the familiarity. So, he thinks you moving out may help that. But, it seems really odd way to do it. I think a clean break is always good. Forget about him and get on with your life