Is it normal to feel this way emotionally after a miscarriage and D & C?

Question

I had a miscarriage and subsequent D & C on Monday. Since then, I feel like a complete failure as a woman and a wife. I'm really really REALLY sad. I've been doing a lot of crying.

We have one child (of which I'm extremely grateful for). She's one year old. My husband wanted our #2 to be born in two years of the first. I was really excited because #2 (if I had not miscarried) would have been born when my daughter was 19 months old.

At my doctor's request, we won't be able to try for again for a couple of months. I'm old (38) and it will likely take us many many MANY months to be pregnant again. Needless to say, I will let my husband down because I won't be able to give him another child within that 2 year window.

I am really upset. What can I do to ensure I get pregnant sooner and what can I do to start the healing process?

Answer 1

Time is the only thing that can heal these emotions. As a husband I am telling you that he does not feel you are a total failure. My wife just had a second miscarriage (subsequent D & C) last week. This is a really difficult thing for you to go through. As a husband it is easier to become emotionally disconnected to the fetus that was growing inside of you. It was not in us, we did not have it with us for X number of weeks.

We have had 2 miscarriages in 6 months. My wife is feeling the same emotions that you are. In our case our discussions are usually over the question of if we will be able to have another child (we have a 2 year old daughter).

After our second loss we have decided to take some time off as well. I think this is important for our and your emotional health. I think it is also important for your body to get back to normal for a time before starting over.

To get pregnant sooner I would recommend doing ovulation tests. Our last pregnancy we did this and got pregnant the first month.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Please know that their are people who feel the same way that you do. Your husband, although he is disappointed at the loss, is not disappointed with you. He will continue to love you and support you.

I wish you good luck and will be praying that you will get the beautiful baby that you are hoping for.

Good Luck!!

Answer 2

I also had a miscarriage and D & C. I hard a hard time dealing with it and did even relize how much I was holding in unti I had a major break down at the doctors office when she asked how are you it was just a general question but I lost it and did not even know why. She said it was postpartum deprecion. which I was sure i did not have after doing some research I found out 85% of women who have a D&C go through this because the procedure they do is just like having a baby according to your body dut then when you wake up ther is no baby. even though you are fully aware of what happened you body does not. I was put on some med that I only took for a few months I was pregnet 3 months later my baby was perfect and it was a great pregnrncy But you should listen to your doctor. My worry was if I got pregent and my body was not healed it would happen again.

Answer 3

Perfectly normal to feel that way...

(((HUGS)))

You're not OLD....not by a long shot!

As for that two year window...that's rubbish!! LOL!! Just wait till your oldest becomes two...you'll understand why having a newborn and a two year old isn't the greatest idea in the world!

My two sons are 4 1/2 years apart - it's perfect! The oldest was old enough to fend for himself when needed when the younger was a newborn/itty bitty...and took a hand in the potty training (little one wanted to do everything big bro did...I didn't have to worry about "do you want to potty" at all!)...and the older was big enough when the little was little to bring diapers, bottles, wipes, etc and be "mommy's helper".

They are 25 and 20 now - went thru a patch where they didn't get along, b/c one was thinking he was more mature than the other (LOL!), but all is well now and I see smooth sailing ahead for us!

email me if you want - and, remember, there's nothing wrong with having an "only" either - I was one of those, and there are some real perks, let me tell you, even from the parent's point of view!

Heal - one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. Enjoy your daughter - play with her and have a great time. let yourself grieve, but don't let the grief overwhelm you. Take time for yourself and do something you've always wanted to do and don't feel bad for enjoying. Find something that makes you laugh!

Answer 4

You are suffering from pregnancy hormones on top of emotional loss. The hormones won't clear your system for a few weeks. Don't wait to contact a therapist if you think that it would help you to talk or if you need medicine for depression. A lot of it IS hormones on top of the sad situation. I have been there w/ this!You do need to reassure yourself that it is a good thing that your body ended the pregnancy because it meant that something was very wrong with the baby. Yes, you need to wait 3 months before trying again. The good news is that your uterus has been scraped clean during the D & C so that gives your next fertilized egg a GREAT surface on which to implant and implant well!!!
Keep taking your prenatal vitamins and folic acid. Keep eating right and try to reduce stress as much as you can so your body will be healthy and ready when you can try again. We all have hopes/ideas as to how we want our kids spaced. I REALLY wanted 3 yrs between kids. It wound up 4 and it has turned out to be great. Take care of yourself and concentrate on your daughter and do your best to limit your worrying. Just begin to prepare yourself physically and mentally for getting pregnant again in a few months. The healthier and happier you are the more likely you will be to get pregnant.

Answer 5

Accept that what you are experiencing emotionally is normal. With the loss of a child and the feelings of grief that are overwhelming you of course you have a right to be feeling this extreme sadness. Your hormones have gone wacky from the loss of the pregnancy hormones and I would imagine your moods are swinging all the time. You really need to focus on all the part of you that make you an awesome woman and wife. When we fail we tend to push these positive attributes aside and forget they exist. We can only see what we feel is our shortcomings. Let me ask you something if this was your best friend going through this would you look at her as anything but a poor woman who has just been through hell. No one my dear will ever judge you as harshly as you are judging yourself right now.
You need to work through this grief and if you can find a counsellor to help with processing these painful emotions that would be so much better. Be gentle and patient and remember that this process is different for everyone and you may feel better or worse than other going through similar losses.
You are a brave woman and I know you are a wonderful wife and mother. I sense that you know this too, and before to long you will be able to see this clearly. God bless and I give you my heartfelt condolences. I have experienced this loss and I know how heart-wrenching this can be.

Answer 6

I would like to start off by saying I am sorry this has happend to you. I said a prayer for you right after reading your question. Yes it is very normal to feel this way. You are NOT a failure!! You are a loving mother and wife and I can tell that just by the way you speak of your family!! My children are 2 years apart but I think it would be just fine if they are a little farther apart. Two to five years is the recommendation of Dr.s and specialists so you are doing this planning perfectly. Talk to your husband I am sure hes not dissapointed in you but happy that you are Ok and concerned for your well being. Just wait a few months like the Dr. said and start trying again. God will bless you wil another little miracle. Good Luck to you and I hope that you heal quickly and may God comfort you in this time of need.

Answer 7

It's a very very emotional time in your life..of course your going to be very sad..but it does get better as the days pass...I lost mine when I was 5 months along and I know how you feel...Nothing anybody can tell you will make you feel better right now.....You just have to have your time to grieve...and it doesnt make you any less of a woman, wife or mother...its something that unfortunately happens to many women and its a very sad thing....I also am 38 and I am trying again as well....it hasnt happened yet I am hoping this month is the month...just give yourself time and when you are ready then try again...and it may not take you many many months...you may conceive the first month you try, you never know! I am so very sorry for your loss, but hang in there it will get better.... I hope you have a healthy baby soon! Good Luck!

Answer 8

You have so many issues going on. You need to grieve for you first and tell your husband to put away the stopwatch. This is a traumatic experience. I was there too, and I was older and ended up having my daughter after. You should not try for a few months so you heal properly. If you try too soon, you'll be back to where you are first. You are not a failure. Your body did what it is supposed to do. Natures recognizes when there is something wrong with the embryo and a misscarriage occurs. You did nothing wrong, it is the cycle of life. In the meantime, sit your husband down and tell him how you feel so bad, how you are crying and unhappy... tell him this is when you need him, and you need his support and that you don't want to let him down but this is not about him right now. It's you first, baby second and husband third.... Good luck. Please try to feel better. It just wasn't meant to be... it happens often to nearly 25% of women....

Answer 9

you are a perfectly normal human being who just suffered a loss. I too have a beautiful 5 year old daughter and became pregnant when she was 9 months old (to our surprise because she was a fertility baby) I then miscarried at about 10 weeks. I felt like I robbed my husband of something. I felt guilty and I felt like it must have been something I did or something was wrong with me. all those feelings going on.....since then (it doesn't get better) I had 2 more miscarriages, we went through lots more of fertility to no avail. but actually are very grateful like you in our one little healthy girl--do plan on adopting though. back to you,.,.... you are very, very normal and you both will get through this... you're not too old and your husband doesn't blame you.... good luck, God bless and remember it's completely normal for all the feelings that you are feeling.....keep yourself healthy and once you get through the mourning process you'll know when you're ready to try again!

Answer 10

Nature is a good housekeeper, and a lot of times, a miscarriage is a way to not have a deformed fetus. These things happen. the sperm might have been weak or incomplete. How have you let your husband down? He should be comforting you, and not making you feel miserable because of his rigid time frame. This man is selfish and mean. There are lots of homeless children in this world who need homes, so why isn't he concerned and helping them? This man's ego is off the charts. Best wishes.