Past SEX baggage...should it matter?

Question

I need to know if a person's past [hetero]sexual experiences should matter after (not during) a relationship that has already been substantiated by marriage? I've been married for almost two years and have just found out a couple of days ago about my husbands wild sexual past. And it's been hard for me to even look at him in the eyes lately because I'm ashamed and embarrased of him. He was my first and I'm ashamed of him for having such an undignified past that I can not respect him for. What should I do? Forgive him? But for what! It was in the past right, but should it matter to me now? I don't feel like having sex with him right now because I can't believe how many women he's had and how unrespectful he was at them. And I'm worried and very hurt. Please help.

Answer 1

Yes, it matters.

But the behavior they have exhibited while they've been with you should matter more.

If he's been honorable with you, get over it. I'd assume that he married you because he wanted something better than he had before--something he thought he could have with you.

If you give him the cold shoulder and deny him sexually, he's going to think he had it better before he married you--and he's likely to fall back into those behaviors.

Again, IF he's honored his vows to you, and remained faithful, then do both something good for BOTH of you. Forgive him, make him repeat his vows, and then command him to pleasure you in every way he knows how.

Hey, he's got some experience. You might as well take advantage of it!

Answer 2

Depends on the person and on what they consider "undignified". Everyone draws a line at a differenrt point. I personally don't think sex baggage should matter at all. What DOES matter A LOT is how you interact with the person in the present. If you are compatible, and see eye to eye on things - what does it matter what had happened in the past? Different people do things for different reasons; don't be quick to judge. If you don't mind me saying, it sounds to me like you're fairly naive in the matters of sexual nature; it's possible that you have a more narrow view of sexuality than an average person, and are over-reacting to things that are not worth worrying about. I just find it hard to believe that if your husband was *truly* deviant by average standards, this fact would have escaped detection for this long; people can't help but manifest their true nature in subtle ways - you would have picked up on it long ago. I'm guessing that he probably is pretty average in his experiences, but your standards are set unrealistically high, and you're blowing things out of proportion.

Answer 3

OK, so I will have to ask you what your life has been like with him. I don't buy that the past is the past ... because it does say something about his character, at least at some point. I think you need to talk to him about why you are concerned. Is it that he misrepresented himself? Or that you think he will return to past ways? Flipping this off as the past is the past does not get to the issues that are hurting you. I have been through this and it is tough. For one thing, it makes you feel like if this person is capable of such things, will he do it again when he gets the urge. Marriages always have rocky times and you wonder what he will do then, perhaps. You do have to talk about it and do it calmly. I think his intentions are good now, but you need to work out those feelings you have.

Answer 4

It seems to me the bigger issue is why didn't you know any of this if you've been married for 2 years? Didn't you speak of it while dating? That to me is a bigger red flag than the sex past. If he is committed to you you should be able to feel it and his past may be your baggage NOT his. You may feel inadequate sexually or unsure of how you please him if he was your first. As would a lot of people naturally. It also worries me that you would feel ashamed or embarrased about your husband. You don't need to forgive him he did nothing wrong..at least to you. It is no way unusal for men and women to have multiple partners before marriage and I'm surprised you'd find it shocking. Again it says more about you than your husband. You need to talk and try not to be so judgemental. Maybe other issues going on here?

Answer 5

Is his having sex with others bothering you or is it the fact that he was not up front about it the real issue???? I would be angry about that part too. However there is nothing to forgive him for since it is the past. Additionally, I understand that it disgusts you (how he acted in his past relationships) but people are always changing and just because he was not exactly a gentleman before doesn't mean he is a dog now. Hope you feel better!!!!

Answer 6

You fell in love with him enough to marry him for who he is not who he was. You ask those questions when you are dating so you either didnt ask or he lied to you. Would you still have married him had you known what you do now? Why would he tell you now and not then? Question yourself and him.

Yes, I see trouble as you have a very rocky foundation that you have both built a life time union on. Best be upfront on everything, including the way you feel right now and why your avoidance of intimacy. He wiill take it as rejection and this will only build up more hurt and then you will feel hurt and then more issues will just pile up.

Look him in the eyes and softly tell him how you feel.

Communicate.

Practice honesty and trust.

Paradox

Answer 7

If something like that bothered you you should of asked sooner. If he brought some infection into the relationship that would also change something. Just think about it as he may be a little more experienced and can make giving you enjoyment better because of it. Do not ask if you are better or how others wre that he had been with to start comparing things. Just ask him to do the things that you would like to try or have liked that he has done already. It is in the past. Make the best of it. Even though he may have more experience do not be afraid to tell him what to do to make you have a better time. You may find out that you can still teach him how to please you better.

Answer 8

Should you forgive him? What the hell does he have to apologize for? For having a life before you came along? As long as there are no STDs involved and as long as his past sexual escapades didn't involved anything illegal (rape, child molestation, etc.), he has NOTHING to apologize for. So he was with a lot of women... big deal. As long as he treats you with love and respect in the present, the past doens't matter. Get off your high horse. I'm sure you have a few skeletons rattling around in your closet too, honey. Leave the judgement of past life stuff to God... he's got more experience at it.

and next time, if you don't want to know the truth, don't ask!

Answer 9

I think a lot of people are like that. They go out, get wild and experience what life has to offer. Then they are ready to settle down. It's not his fault he wanted to get all this out before and not yours that you chose to wait. I would feel better that he has done all that and won't crave to do it while he is with you. A lot of marriages when they marry their first, they crave more because they didn't get to experience the "wild side" and have different partners. I say be glad it's in the past!

Answer 10

First how was he "unrespectful"? If he past has included a lot of sexual partners, that isn't necessarily disrespectful. My husband and I discussed our pasts before we really started dating. Does his past change who he is today? With all of life's experiences we change a little, his past is part of who he is. He is the same person now that he was a week ago. As long as he is faithful and loves you, you should be able to move past this.