Men used to want to heroes in the "good old days," like my uncle and dad were... my Mom and aunt did not have to work because those men were successful...
Fast forward to today - of course I'm educated etc and a professional - I love my job actually.
But why doesn't my husband see that his lack of motivation/success is completely unacceptable?!
We want to get a house and even though 'it's a buyer's market,' the houses I really want are WAY out of our price range -- and I know that if my husband were making the same money I am, we would totally be able to get those. It makes me so mad! I've even said, "ok - you don't want to get x number of degrees, certifications etc. (I'm a CPA doing consulting) -- that's fine - you want to have your own business buying things and exporting them overseas -- great -- just go for it! Sheesh I am already 31 and he is 33 for God's sake!
2007-03-01 07:18:19 · 15 answers · asked by Mishy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
To his credit, my husband does the laundry, often cooks and does dishes, takes out garbage and refills the soap dispensers without being asked, and is in charge of getting all the car maintentance etc. done -- but I'd rather do more of the work myself and have a more successful man, you know? I come from a South Asian background after all (so does he) with my dad and uncle being successful doctors. I would totally be fine, however, if my husband wanted his own business - many times those guys make tons of money....
2007-03-01 07:31:30 · update #1
fyi - both my Mom and aunt WERE educated - my Mom had been a Psychology professor before marriage and my aunt had gotten her Master's degree in English before her marriage... Both women, while not "working outside the home" DID, in fact, oversee the billing and other business details for my Dad and Uncle's offices...
2007-03-01 07:33:42 · update #2
Well my husband purports that he wants material success etc. too and wants to be the main breadwinner etc. etc. - actually he IS like my uncle, in that he's sweet and very respectful etc. - he has those sorts of "old school" qualities --- but I just can't get what his deal is. I mean, really - if he claims to be "old school" why the hell isn't he doing more to be successful in some way shape or form?!!! Do you think it would help if I (a very warm and talkative person by nature) gave him the silent treatment until he got his **** together?
2007-03-01 08:43:08 · update #3
Life happend and they founf out they don't have to be the ones doing all the work.. but still who cleans, cooks, and does the laundry?? us! and what about kids?? we do all the work there and still they don't see the need to be there most the time.
2007-03-01 07:24:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
I make $80k/yr. My wife is a teacher and would be making $40k/yr, but she only teaches half time (splits the week with another teacher) and instead brings home $20k.
We have a house, each have a decent car, and our second child is on the way. She spent $20k one year ago remodelling the kitchen. Now she wants to spend even more remodelling the garage as a living space. She is spending crazy money CHANGING things that we already have.
She also thinks I lack ambition. I do. I don't see the value of chasing material trophies to show off to visitors. I am happy. She is less happy.
We were both happier when I was making $40k and she was still in college. Ambition isn't a great thing. It just means you can't be satisfied with what you have. Ever. That seems like a mental health issue to me.
2007-03-01 15:46:40 · answer #2 · answered by Martin Pedersen 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you could do far worse.
Your husband is who he is. And you married him. So why are you trying to change him now? Just because you can't have the house you want on your combined income?
If you really look at what you are saying, it sounds so very shallow.
Maybe he is not motivated because he senses that you look down on him. SERIOUSLY.
Rightly or wrongly, it's entirely possible that he believes he will never live up to your standards, so he just doesn't try anymore.
Or perhaps your husband is sitting there saying, if she wasn't so shallow and materialistic, she could enjoy our marriage. She seems to want me only as another work horse and meal ticket, and not as a partner.
Those are all hypothetical.
The solution is to both sit down and make a plan that you both can enthusiastically follow. Don't try to change him, but capitalize on who he is. Don't let him change you, unless you want to, but capitalize on your strengths. The problem isn't his lack of drive or motivation, it's your expectations.
You may have the wrong expectations for the man you married.
Attack the problems, not him. Don't blame him because you don't have the house you want. Jointly figure out how to get there instead.
2007-03-01 15:39:13 · answer #3 · answered by camys_daddy 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
women are so funny sometimes...your father and uncle brought home the proverbial bacon and your mother and aunt stayed home because it was different times and women did not posess the amount of equality they do today. You say your educated, yet you missed that? Dont you remember the women's movement of the 60's that called for women to get out of the house and start earning?
granted, what you say about your man leaves alot to be desired and if he is just being lazy, then thats that. He should want to make more money...actually make so much money that you dont have to work and get to stay home and tend to the household among other things. But dont categorize men and classify us as unsuccessful because women now have to work as well. that was your choice (or at least your predecessors choice) to strike out of the home and start working.
2007-03-01 15:28:57 · answer #4 · answered by Nooka 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree many men arent the same as what they were in past generations (change in family values & morals being the biggest ) BUT if you were looking for the "hero" (by your definition) you should have looked for and married someone more like your father and uncle.
You choose to marry a man who is who he is. If you are the one that wants change and houses then you go for it. No one is stopping YOU from your ambitions.
You and your husband value different things but so what.
Appreciate what you have. Share your life together. Isnt that the point of marriage or is it having that big house?
Paradox
2007-03-01 16:39:30 · answer #5 · answered by Paradox 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well what to say to try and help but it was your choice to marry him regardless of his financial stability am sure you were aware on how much income he was going to bring in. And there is a saying you cant change a man and if this is the way he was when you met him this is how he is going to stay. So I suggest you have to become the head of house hold, work more try to make more money for your dream house just go for it like you say we cant wait anymore like the old days for men to make all the choices. Good luck and am sure you will get your dream house soon.
2007-03-01 15:36:12 · answer #6 · answered by none 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
lol......I had forgotten how materialistic some women can be.
Guess he isn't living up to your standards. Maybe you should divorce him and sue for alimony, take that money and get your house, get a new boyfriend who doesn't mind wasting his money on your selfishness....
.... and leave your soon to be ex-husband alone who obviously trying to do everything, just to keep you happy and your mouth shut, instead of following his dreams with the support of an unconditionally loving wife.
2007-03-01 15:41:30 · answer #7 · answered by jlonva 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are a greedy bitc_! Back in the "old days" it was easier to have the wife stay home. Now a days its damn near impossible! Since you are "already 31" maybe you should do some growing up. You seem like a greedy, immature, brat!
2007-03-01 15:40:23 · answer #8 · answered by Kari R 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
When you nag somebody long enough they just dont care anymore.
From the way you talk about your "lazy" husband it sound like you dont have a lot of respect for him. Why would he want to try to make a nagging unrespectful woman happy.
2007-03-01 15:26:03 · answer #9 · answered by jmarshalld55 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I feel sorry for your husband to have a wife with your attitude. I'm guessing you keep his balls in your purse.
2007-03-01 15:28:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋