My son is 8yrs old & very smart for his age. He asked me why his father & I weren't together and I told him the truth instead of trying to "sugar coat" it. I told him that his father moved in with another woman after he started realising he felt differently about our relationship. My ex told him a lie. Do you think I should have also?
2007-03-01 06:44:25 · 17 answers · asked by brwneyedgrl 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
nope- You did the right thing.
He will not like what he heard, but he will respect you more for being honest with him. Your ex just did what he (apparently) does best. He lied. Your son will figure this out without you having to say a word (trash-talking) about his dad.
2007-03-01 06:52:49 · answer #1 · answered by juicy13500 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
What does it matter? It's too late now to take it back.
By giving him that answer, during a time when the only life he has ever known is now broken, you've made his father look like an asshole. You've made him look like this other woman is more important than him too, because dad left you and him and went to be with her.
Granted, your ex is an asshole for going this route, but as long as he is taking care of your son, he doesn't need to know that his dad left to be with another woman. He would have figured it out on his own when he grew up.
If it makes you feel better, what you did wasn't the worst you could have done. I would just make sure the next time a question comes up that before you answer, tell your son that you'll talk about it later, call up the ex and get his opinion on how to respond, and then answer your son. If you want to ease things, you could get more into detail about how sometimes it isn't meant to last forever but....I don't know......it's just tough for everyone involved. Just keep your son's best interest in mind.
2007-03-01 06:57:35 · answer #2 · answered by jlonva 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you were right to tell your son the truth, and there is nothing in your comment that condemns his father or makes anyone into a villian.
You should always temper the explanation to fit the child's understanding as they grow, and focus on the positive elements (both his parents still love him very much) instead of the negative elements (mommy and daddy hate each other).
Agree to an amiable compromise with your ex - you won't talk bad about each other, but you will offer your son a simple version of the truth, and stick to that version. Tell your ex what your son asked, and exactly what you told him and why, and encourage him to be similarly honest with his son. Stress that you don't want to fight through your child, because by insulting either parent, you insult half of the child.
Hopefully you can keep the separation peaceful, and not place undue stress on your son's development.
2007-03-01 06:56:27 · answer #3 · answered by teresathegreat 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I believe telling the child the truth, to a degree, and in words that the child will understand. For example, a good answer in my mind is, Mom and Dad don't love each other anymore and it makes us sad to be together. So if we're apart, we're happier and we don't fight that way. But we BOTH love you and we always will and you'll be able to see us both.
Now, some of this would have to be changed to fit the individual situation of course. But the bottom line should be that both parents still love them, that the divorce had nothing to do with the child. I have a friend that split from the spouse. The children are adults now, and they STILL dont know that the reason for the split was because one of the parents had sex outside the marriage (again). They didn't want to make the kids angry at the offending parent. I thought that was very diplomatic of them.
A lie will always be found out. At least the child will know you can be trusted because you told the truth...hope this helps...
2007-03-01 06:58:12 · answer #4 · answered by Govt B 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i think your son has a right to know what is true, yes it is always best to tell th truth because later on if he found out u lied he would be upset. why should your son see his dad in some way he isn't? the real truth always does come out anyway. kids are smarter than we think. he deserves the pain he may get from his son later in life, as he is the one who left the family and made the choice. he is who he is and nothing can change that.
2007-03-01 07:58:34 · answer #5 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your both were wrong. You should have told him some of the truth, like that you grew apart, and that it doesn't always work out with adults. i think its wrong to lie to childern, but at 8 he won't understand, heck most 16 yr olds, dont really understand things like this. by telling your son that he left you for another women, your son will grow up hating his father, and that too is wrong.
2007-03-01 07:01:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have no idea but I am pregnant right now and my ex left me...I think about those same questions that my son will ask me...I really feel for you..I think I would just say..Me and Your dad didn't work out and then when he gets older..way older..then sit him down and tell him the truth..and your ex shouldn't lie...
2007-03-01 06:58:04 · answer #7 · answered by angelsdeath420 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It would've been nice if you and your ex could've come to some sort of an agreement on what a good explanation would be. I don't mean a lie - I mean it's unfortunate that the responsiblity of telling the truth is on you alone. I do believe in telling the truth to a degree and honestly, I think I would've told the same thing you did. You weren't bashing his dad, you were just telling it like it is. It is what it is.
2007-03-01 06:50:37 · answer #8 · answered by kelly-il 3 · 2⤊ 3⤋
NO you should never lie to the kids. My husband's ex GF tried to lie to their kids about going to court for child support and told them everything. Now they can't stand their mother and tell her every chance they get that they want to live with us. Lieing will always bite you in the ***. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but trust me it will. You did the right thing.
2007-03-01 07:20:01 · answer #9 · answered by littlemama_rules 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If your husband wanted you to tell the same lie he should have communicated to you what he told your son. (What you choose to do after that is up to you.)
I firmly believe in not talking about your child's father, but if you said it as you have reported, I don't think that was out of line.
2007-03-01 06:55:18 · answer #10 · answered by Martin Pedersen 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋