I Love my husband ... but i am at the breakin point ....?

Question

My husband and i have been together for 3 years now. He has 2 children with another woman whom is bipolar & likes to dictate to him, even on issues non realted to the children. She will also use the children as pawns to hurt him and yet he does nothing to protect them or us. I have bugged him for 2 years to get some kind of court order, He has even spoken with a lawyer and the childs school and counclers and they all say the same thing ... GET THE KIDS OUT OF THERE!! ... but yet he says he does not wanna drag the kids through court, so he does nothing.This situation has been very hard on our relationship over the past year and i can feel myself pulling away from him, and wanting to go do things on my own with my friends, where i can feel like i am first and not playin second to another person. My question to you is do i stay and wait out the storm, hopeing that things will get better ... or go find happiness where i can feel like my feelings are just as important as anyone elses?

Answer 1

This is going to be a lengthy answer but I think this will really help you out so here goes...

I can't tell you how important it is to fight for your marriage. This will sound cheesy but love truly does conquer all (I'll touch on this a little more later) To be honest with you, things could be a lot worse...not that I'm compromising your situation or attempting to de-magnify the severity but there are things you can do with and tell your husband that can improve the legal situation:

1) Your husband says he doesn't want to drag the children through court preceedings?? Well ask him which situation would have the worst effect on his children: Going through a custody battle in court or living with her until they're 18 or older? Now he may say that court preceedings are worse but you need to get real with him and tell him that deep down inside he KNOWS that isn't true. It sounds to me like your husband may be afraid himself of going to court, which is perfectly natural. These types of cases are hard on everyone. But if he loves them, he will fight for them and you need to verbally communicate that to him. Almost call him out on it as if you're challenging his love for his children. I know it sounds a little forward but from what you're telling me, it's the only effective way to get the message across to him.

2) Parents who use their children to hurt their ex spouses are low. It's disgusting how they use their children as pawns and swords for their benefit and satisfaction. Little do they know that eventually their children will turn against them in a very bad way when they become old enough to understand what is happening. Hopefully that won't be a problem once your husband wins sole custody of his children (which I'm assuming he's thinking about when he mentions the fact that he doesn't want to drag them through court).

My advice to you on the legal front would be to drag your husband into his lawyers office to discuss his options. Explain to him that if he doesn't, his children will pay a terrible price and that he will be as much to blame as his ex. It sounds simple, and it's a lot easier said than done but it still needs to be done. He also needs to understand that the fact that she's bi polar gives him a HUGE advantage in court. Bi polar parents have never faired very well in custody battles.

Now, you asked whether you should wait out the storm or go find happiness somewhere else. Don't wait out the storm...attack it. You need to fight for your marriage. You love your husband and love is SO hard to come by. Stand by him and fight because when you get through it, and you will, you'll be better for it. Now you may get upset when you read this but running off after 3 years of marriage is downright cowardly. 3 years??? That's hardly even the ol' college try. Maybe you didn't see this situation coming when you married him and I can understand that but you married your husband for better or for worse...in sickness and in health. Well right now your husband is sick (in a manner of speaking) and things aren't good between you two right now and you're contemplating leaving?? You LOVE him for Heaven's sake. He's your husband!! Yes the situation is tough, yes it sucks and yes it is very tempting to just forget the whole thing and start anew with someone else. But what happens when the a storm arrives there? Are you going to run off again? You see, it's a pattern. If you run away from this storm, you'll run away from storms for the rest of your life. Maybe you'll handle a few heavy showers to make yourself feel better, but when the storm comes again, and it will, you'll run again...and again, because you won't know how to handle it..you'll only do what you're experienced with in this situation which is running.

Sweetheart, marriage is the most wonderful thing in the world. It can be a blessing and a curse all in one but it's worth it. If you decide to stand and fight this thing and get your husband back, I can personally ASSURE you that the both of you will be glad you did.

Good luck.

P.S. I didn't mean to be so hard on you but you needed help.

Answer 2

Didn't you know this before marriage? I think you did. And now your trying to push him to do something about it when you knew he didn't move before. Your saturation is not going to get better during the storm or after the storm, because know one is doing nothing about it. He allowed it all this time and you did too. He tells you he don't want to drag the kids though the courts know he don't want to drag himself though the courts and have you ever really thought about it maybe he don't really want his kids full time. And as far as him talking to the ex that will never stop, don't matter what happens. But you knew this before you got involved with him that he had children, a long comes with kids under 18 along comes their mother. And just because the mother has bipolar that don't make her a bad mom. And most ex use there kids for pawns to hurt the other parent. She the one that not over it, he (your husband) is. He just letting her because he knows she still not over it and she sick.Your husband just not letting her get to him, you are. And stop trying to take her children away from her because she is bipolar and plays games. There her children. And your husbands. Not yours and your husbands, hers and your husbands. You really need to stay out of it.You would be less stressful. Deal with your own home and when there over on a visit have a good time. Don't stress out over there mother. I bet your husband allows your" b i t c h e n" over this matter in one ear in out the other. He not listen to you. So stop.Really am on your side but there not much you can do, am just trying to tell you the truth and be less stress free. It's not getting you know where. Are not going to leave him?

Answer 3

Wow. Sounds painful that you have to go through all this. Its seems you've had several recommendations on what action to take. Now it seems time to make an ultimatum. Let him know how distressing it has been on your quality of life (including the children involved) and how it has wrecked havoc towards the relationship; and that things need to change OR ELSE.
Don't ignore the situation at hand by going out w/ your friends and deal with it headfirst w/ the hubby. If he does not want to change then he's leaving the ball in your court to take further action.
Its not going to be easy so good luck.

Answer 4

It all depends...in your vows did you say you would be with him through the goodness and the bad or just the goodness?

You knew this going in and still married him. Since he already had kids you will always take second place to them. At least that is what a good parent would do.

You probably didn't think the whole situation through before getting married. Now that you are in it you need to find ways to make it better and to help those kids. Bailing out shouldn't be an option.

Good luck!

Answer 5

If you don't have children with him, I think I'd move on. This situation with his kids/mother won't end- ever. Hoping things will get better won't work- action does. Perhaps you can tell him to sort it out, or it's over and give him a deadline.
He's really quite a wimp if he refuses to listen to lawyers and school counselors about the kids' best interest-- it seems he's afraid to face his exwife and is using the kids as his shield.

Answer 6

I understand your pain,I also have a very similar experience..the first thing you want to do is not let his x ruin your marriage,some times the other x spouse can't let go of the relationship that was once before and she is going to use the children because that is her only connection to to your husband,once the children are of age ,all ties and connections with her will be gone.if you are worried about the childern safty you can call DCF on her and report any signs of abuse and request that the childern be placed in your home.once this women knows she can't stir up problems in your marriage she will sooner or later stop.don't leave your husband because of all this.that is not fair to him and also don't let that be an easy way out of your marriage .if you find your self questioning your love for him.and you want to start going out with your friends to me this sounds of an excuse just to go out and you want to run away from want is going on. don't do it! if your husband means any thing to you,you will be by his side and let him handle this !the only thing you can do is just keep on loving him and not letting her win! I promise you things may look ugly right now but remember for every storm we go through there is a rainbow at the end of it.

Answer 7

Bipolar is complicated. Your husband's ex-wife is very very sick. She does these things as a "please help me" sign and doens't really mean you, your spouse, or your stepkids' any harm. I know what it's like to be a doormat, as my Mother is an extreme extrovert with bipolar. All that I can say is that I hope that your stepkids' Mom is seeing someone for her needy ways and that she's on the correct medication. You, too, need to keep the lines of communication open between ALL parties involved so everyone is on the same book, chapter, and page. Good Luck!

Answer 8

I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE AND TAKE A BREAK FROM THIS GUY AND LET HIM SEE THAT IF HE HONESTLY WANTS THINGS TO WORK OUT BETTER WITH YOU AND HIS CHILDREN HE WILL GO TO COURT AND GET THAT WOMAN AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU. HE SAYS THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT HIS CHILDREN THROUGH ANY TYPE OF HASSLE CONCERNING COURT BUT WHAT HE DOESN'T SEEM TO REALIZE IS THAT BY HIM TAKING THEM TO COURT AND SPENDING JUST A FEW HOURS THERE THAT IS MUCH BETTER THEN MAKING HIS KIDS GROW UP AND SEE THE TERRIBLE HASSLES AND FRUSTRATIONS THAT THEIR MOTHER IS PUTTING ALL OF YOU THROUGH.
FOR THE REST OF THEIR YOUNGER YEARS.
AND THEN AFTER YOU LEAVE HIM FOR A WHILE AND HE STILL HAS NOT COME TO HIS SENSES OR DID ANYTHING TO GET THIS WOMAN OUT OF ALL OF YOUR LIVES THEN YOU SHOULD MOVE ON AND FIND YOUR OWN LIFE. YOU SHOULD ALSO REPORT THIS WOMAN TO D.C.F. S. IF SHE IS BEING MEAN OR ABUSIVE TO THE CHILDREN.
GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

First of all if the kids are in danger then you call CPS, then they will giv ethe kids right to the father, but if you are using his ex being bi-polar to try and get her out of "HIS" life then you are wrong and should leave the relationship. One thing you need to understand is that no matter what you do she will always be around. And he can talk to her because she had his kids.

Answer 10

BIPOLAR SUCKS!!! IT IS A TERRIBLE DISEASE. MY SON HAS IT. 2 STEP CHILDREN IS HARD ENOUGH,THROW IN A EX AND A HUSBAND WHO WONT SEEK HELP FOR YOU OR THE KIDS. THAT'S TOUGH. I WOULD SUGGEST PUTTING YOUR FOOT DOWN, EXPLAIN WHY HE NEEDS TO HELP HIS KIDS. DO YOUR HOME WORK, GET INFORMATION ABOUT DAMAGE SHE CAN DO TO THE KIDS BY USING THEM AS PAWNS. LOOK UP THINGS ON THE ENTER-NET. MAYBE HE JUST DONT SEE WHAT YOU SEE,MAYBE HE DONT THINK ITS ALL THAT BAD. TELL HIM YOUR SCARED FOR THEM. JUST BECAUSE SHE IS BIPOLAR DOESN'T MEAN SHE CANT TAKE CARE OF HER KIDS. I'M SURE OR HOPE SHE IS ON MEDS. DOING WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO TO KEEP HEALTHY.YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET HER OUT OF YOUR LIVES COMPLETELY- HE HAS KIDS WITH HER. HER INPUT INTO THINGS NONE OF HER BUSINESS I'M SURE IT PISSES YOU OFF. EVEN MORE SO THAT YOUR HUSBAND WONT TELL HER TO BACK OFF, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY- MAYBE HE KNOWS THAT IF HE TELLS HER TO BACK OFF SHE WILL THINK SHE IS CAUSING PROBLEMS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP THEN SHE WILL NEVER STOP. AS LONG AS HE DONT TAKE HER ADVICE ,IGNORE HER. GET YOUR FEELINGS OUT WITH HIM,BUT IGNORE HER , OR JUST SMILE. DONT LET HER GET TO YOU. STAY AND TALK WITH HIM.