Wife has NO LIBIDO. I'm frustrated like HELL! What do I do?

Question

I used to be religious (wife still is), so chose no sex before marriage. WHAT A STUPID MISTAKE! How can you commit your life to someone without truly knowing that person??? After all, your sexual relationship with your partner is the most crucial part of a successful relationship. Now I'm stuck. After 7 years we're still doing it maybe once every 3 weeks (never was any better). How sad! She handles problems by ignoring it, which I find hurtful. She doesn't think we have a problem and thinks I'm unreasonable. We have 2 kids, so for their sakes I really hope to sort this out without considering separation. But by now I'm filled with so much resentment that I'm not sure it can be fixed. I've always wanted to TRULY please a woman in a sexual way, but I doubt I'll ever in my life have that pleasure. I hate the church for teaching marriage before sex - how can you commit your entire life to someone without knowing them COMPLETELY??? I really hope there's some good advice for this one...

I used to be religious (wife still is), so chose no sex before marriage. STUPID MISTAKE! How can you commit your life to someone without truly knowing that person??? After all, your sexual relationship with your partner is the most crucial part of a successful relationship. Now I'm stuck. After 7 years we're still doing it maybe once every 3 weeks (never was any better). How sad! She handles problems by ignoring it, which I find hurtful. She doesn't think we have a problem and thinks I'm unreasonable. We have 2 kids, so for their sakes I really hope to sort this out without considering separation. But by now I'm filled with so much resentment that I'm not sure it can be fixed. I've always wanted to TRULY please a woman in a sexual way, but I doubt I'll ever in my life have that pleasure. Have tried some counselling (my insistence). Want to add that we are PARTNERS in household chores, with kids, etc. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect!!! But I have really tried to fix this in the past.

I'm really appreciating ALL the answers I'm getting! Interesting to see the different views. I want to add that I really tried to fix this - we went for counselling (only after I an "ultimatum" from me, though). Furthermore we SHARE all household chores and kids responsibilities - I am a real, involved father for my kids. They're probably the biggest reason I want to fix this, not end it. I still think sex is the most important part ofa successful relationship - just look at how much of a problem it can become! I do not try and force it on her, hence the lack of sex for weeks on end - that's why I also wish she would make the moves sometimes... I want to make it very clear that I respect women totally and would really like to be "in touch" with my wife, BUT I've made it clear to my wife what my sexual needs are, and I need her to also be "in touch" with me!

Answer 1

Man do I feel for you! I am in the exact same situation! No religious or sex before marriage stuff, but my husband has no libido either.

I have spoken at length about the damage it has done to me and is doing to our relationship. He, now after me showing interest in someone else, has his crap together enough to realize how stupid he's being. I would suggest you be absolutely, brutally honest with her and see how she feels.

There could be alot of reasons for her behaviour: religious guilt about sex, stress from taking care of kids, insecurity about her body or sexual ability, biochemical problem.....

Sex is what differentiates your relationship with her from that of others, and it is devastating to be continually rejected. It causes a lot of resentment, and leads to other problems, so I think you are totally justified in your feelings, and should not feel guilty if you end up in divorce over it. Many people will give you grief over it, but I understand what it's like and it is not tolerable forever. It is emotional and psychological abuse and you deserve better.

I don't know why people think that not compromising on sex is okay. It's not okay in other areas of a marriage. I would like to do it everyday, and my husband would prefer once a month. I'd be happy to compromise, but he absolutely won't. I mean, yes, people have a right to do what they want with their body, but they also owe it to thier spouse to live up to that part of the relationship if they don't want their spouse to cheat.

Anyhow. I think that your wife is denying you a very important part of any humans life, and that is not fair. I think that you are going to end up leaving or cheating if she doesn't come around, and I think before you do either, you need to have a long talk with her as honestly as you can. At this point that will mean feelings will be hurt, but there's no way to avoid that, and you have to do what has to be done.

I'm sure you never wanted or expected your marriage to be jeopardized over sex. (I sure as hell never thought mine would), but in the end your happiness is all that matters. If she doesn't care enough about yours, then you really should think long and hard about who you are married to. It's very selfish of her, and I don't know how people can be so cruel. I know how awful it is, and I couldn't ever do that to someone else.

I'm sure you will completely safisfy a woman some day. (It sounds like your wife is satisfied though, she's not complaining about your sex life). I too would love to be with a man who truly enjoys sex, and appreciates my sexuality. I was never promiscuous before marriage. I wasn't a virgin, but I did refrain from several other sexual things until marriage (not on purpose, but I just never felt it was the right time etc.) and I thought that once I was married someday I would be able to be uninhibited, and have great sex and not have to worry about diseases, reputation, being with the wrong person etc.

I thought that my husband would appreciate my high sex drive and well, that didn't happen. I now wonder if I should've be more promiscuous before marriage so I would know how it felt to be wanted and not feel like someone is having sex with me out of obligation. Geez, even when you get the sex, how can you really enjoy it?

Well. anyhow. I hope you know you're not alone. Perhaps we would've made a good couple! ; ). I can tell you from experience that there are girls out there who would LOVE a guy like you, and you deserve to have that. Good Luck.

Answer 2

Have you thought about marriage counselling? Personally, I don't think sex is "the most crucial part of a successful relationship". I think it is an important part, but communication is crucial. Without communication you have a lot of other problems, sexual and otherwise. Everyone has a different sex drive, some people rarely want to have sex while others want it all the time. It is something you need to talk about with your wife so you can come to a compromise. I think you have forgotten the most important part of a marriage is love, do you love your wife? Hating the church is not going to help your marriage, it will only feed your resentment and make you bitter. Try counselling.

Answer 3

First of all, that was NOT a mistake. Give me a break - part of the joy of marriage is supposed to be the process of discovering one another! You "BECOME" one, and the "becoming" is sometimes a difficult process.

Secondly, did you ever consider that your wife might be TIRED from taking care of her family? Is it possible she may have been sexually abused / molested as a child? If she handles problems by ignoring them, she must have had something happen in her past that makes her hesitant to deal with certain situations.

Ditch the resentful attitude and see if your wife will go to counseling with you. Marriage is a partnership "For better or worse". It's NOT all about YOU.

Answer 4

Get Counseling and do it NOW!!! For your Kids. Marriage counseling will most likely fix the problem one way or another.

Do the counseling through the Church so she will go. You said the church teaches no sex before marriage, Most counselors understand and want you to have sex now to keep the intimacy. I would guess the Church would want you to stay married so ask them how and your wife will most likely follow this direction.

Best of luck

Answer 5

well, sex isn't the most crucial part of a successful relationship; but it is definitely a part of it and without it....well, you sure you can't woo her more often? Find something in the Bible about how a woman is suppose to do whatever the man wants, I'm sure these is one or one that can be twisted around to sound that way (obviously, I am not a Bible expert) go that route, turn the tables on her.....don't hate the church, they didn't make you believe all those things, it was your choice.

You ever buy a car without taking a test drive....well there ya go

Answer 6

Time to look into marriage counseling. Even if she refuses to go, you'd probably benefit from having someone to talk to.
If she's so religious, she needs a lesson in how the church views marriage. Have her read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5.
"...The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent..."

Answer 7

i am the same as your wife and i can tell you i don't feel in the mood because i don't feel attractive or sexy. My husband doesn't help me around the house,never tells me i look nice, never asks me how he can help me in any way and doesn't surprise me with anything even if it were to swoop my up and give me a kiss or tell me i smell nice. i know it sounds like a typical thing for a woman to say but its true you ask any woman which would put them more in the mood and your husband look his sexiest ,him holding a diamond necklace lying on the bed or him coming home telling you to sit down put your feet up honey, i am going to go put dinner on,give the kids a bath feed them put them to bed poor you a glass of wine then massage your feet then maybe come bedtime you wont be so dam tired that ive come home sat on the computer while she did the evening shift all on her own, and you know what.......... you might just get some!!! its worth the try.

Answer 8

"your sexual relationship with your partner is the most crucial part of a successful relationship." I completey disagree with that statement, however, it is a good part of a healthy relationship. Your wife may have a physical problem where she does not get any enjoyment out of a sexual relationship. Talk to her about it and not just be demanding your needs be met. Tell her you want to show her how much you love her and have the opportunity to please her with intamacy.

Otherwise, you may want to try couples counselling. Do that before you get so bitter you actually find yourself hating your wife.

Answer 9

HAVE THE TWO OF YOU SAT AND TALKED ABOUT THIS SITUATION? BECAUSE IF YOU HAVEN'T YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT SHE JUST MIGHT BE THINKING THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU. HAVING SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER IS OK. BUT MAKING LOVE TO EACH OTHER IS A GREATER PLEASURE. IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THE TWO OF YOU MAKE LOVE IN A WEEK'S TIME. CUDDLING, KISSING, AND JUST SPENDING TIME WITH EACH OTHER EVERYDAY SHOULD PROVE TO YOU THAT SHE LOVES BEING WITH YOU IN EVERY WAY. IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU ARE NOT APPRECIATING THE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE THAT YOUR WIFE DOES FOR YOU.MAKING LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT NOT ONLY HAVING SEX. SEX IS MORE PERVERTED THEN IT IS MAKING LOVE.
ALSO IF YOU ARE BUSY DURING THE WEEK WITH YOUR JOB SHE JUST MIGHT FEEL THAT WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MOOD FOR SEX YOU WILL LET HER KNOW. YOU CAN'T BLAME THIS SITUATION ONLY ON HER YOU HAVE A PART IN IT ALSO. THAT IS WHY THE TWO OF YOU SHOULD TALK AND FIND OUT THE SOLUTION.
GOOD LUCK.

Answer 10

first of all... ur family comes first...this is something that can be fixed if u try hard enough...even if u did have sex before marriage... you cant tell what will happen years later.... you have to just sit ur wife down and tell her how u feel.... tell her its her wifely duties and shes suppose to submitt to her husband if shes such a religious person she suppose to know thats in the Bible... as u treat her good also.... just tell her what u need... that God wouldnt want both of u to be unhappy... HE wants you to be happy.... DONT lust over another woman by all means.... try ur best to let her understand what u need and if she thinks ur serious... she will try her best to keep her family together....marriage is hard work.. dont give up on her....