DID YOU TELL YOUR KIDS that you divorced because of their father's infidelity?

Question

How did that work out? If not, why not?

Can I hear from someone who has actually been there and had to make that decision?

Answer 1

Nope, but I did tell them is was due to their mothers difference in what marriage meant.

I mentioned that her having a boyfriend while married is not how God planned marriage to be. I didn't have to point out the boyfriend, XW took care of that. I simply said that what she was doing was counter to the promise she made me 7 years prior to her affair when we married.

I told her to always love her mother, but what her mother was doing was not how God intended for marriage to be. That she can love her mother, but not love what she did. That no-one is perfect, and we should forgive, but not turn a blind eye to sin.

Worked out pretty well.

Let's be clear, as someone has already given a thumbs down. We are to teach our children values. One can do that without running down a former spouse.

I didn't have to tell our daughter about the affair, she could see it. What I did share is that her mother and I differed on what marriage meant.

Did I own part of the state of the marriage. Sure did, and shared in an age appropriate fashion what I believed my contributions were, AND what I was doing to correct my behavior.

I then shared that when I asked her mother to do the same, she said no, and decided to have a relationship with her OM instead of keeping her vows.

I didn't call her mother names, or say she was going to hell, or anything like that. I showed her what the Bible said about marriage, and asked her to examine the behavior of both her parents and decide.

But I also showed her that we are to forgive people when they wrong us, and I asked my daughter for forgiveness for my part in the bad marriage. I asked her to forgive her mother for what she did as well.

So one can give me a thumbs down, but I'm not going to lie to my daughter when she could see the affair on-going and see her father trying to keep his vows while her mother wasn't.

Since two different examples were being presented, I simply showed her where I got the foundation for my view.

Her mother is free to provide whatever supporting argument she wants to explain and justify her behavior.

Frankly, I don't want to raise a daughter who thinks it's OK to participate in a marriage covenant before God and witnesses in a church and bail out because things do go exactly as you wish.

I think one should tell their children in an age appropriate manner, without trashing their former spouse.

Answer 2

No that is none of their business what happened between adults that is one of the problems with our kids today they are given way too much information. There should be an explanation given to the kids yes, you two came across a problem that you could not work out together and felt it was best for everyone if you all were apart in order for both of you to be happy. It had nothing to do with them and the fact that you all are apart will only effect the living relationship not the loving relationship. Children will grow and learn things on their own by the actions of the adults in their lives. But it is important that they are able to remain children in any situation. So they should not have to carry around issues that are too big for them. It only adds to the anxiety.

Answer 3

My parents got divorced when I was very young, 5yrs old, they had been separated when I was 3years old. When I was older, around 14, my Mom told me about my Dad's infidelity, and I was probably able to handle it around that age. Any earlier, and I'm not sure that would have been a wise decision. If your kids ask now, and they are young, perhaps you should wait and tell them that when they are older and can understand more about being an adult, then you'll tell them. My Mom was pretty bitter about the whole thing, and eventually one day I had to tell her that while I understood my Dad had treated her poorly, I felt that he was a good Dad and I would appreciate if she just didn't talk about that particlar issue to me. I think I really surprised her, but she agreed that it probably was not right for her to do that. If you asked my Dad why they got divorced, he had a different story, he felt driven out....SO....I think you need to take into consideration your kids age, and ability to handle the news, PLUS, you need to realize that while he was unfaithful to you, he might actually be a fairly decent Dad and you shouldn't try to slander him to your kids. Let them form their own opinions.

Answer 4

I personally have never had this decision to make. But I will give you a little advice based on how my mother broke the news to me...she didn't. My mother and I did not get a long at all and there were plenty of times I hurt her even when I would shout things such as " I am going to live with my father!" "you screwed it up with dad not me!" yeah I was a terrible 14 year old girl. But it was not until I recently got married that the truth came out at the reception my father walked up to my mom and told her how sorry he was for leaving her for another woman (did this in front of me) Odd I know...he was never good with timing. But the point I am trying to make is that my mother gave me the choice to learn about my father on my own. She did not try to get a better hand to have a better relationship with me by throwing my fathers faults in the air for me to see...she knew in good time I would know the truth.
The worst thing you can do is tell your children bad things about their father...it is not fair to them. Even if they hurt you, don't know what they are talking about or even favor him over you...they will have to learn who their father is as they "grow up". Being a mother is a lot tougher then what it looks like, especially when situations like this appear.
If you are wanting an answer to your question; I would just explain that mom and dad are going to live apart because it makes you better people that way. Good Luck to you, I hope my answer made a little sense.

Answer 5

Well.......

You definetely have a lot of opinions to choose from on here, both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between.

The truth is, that decision is yours to make. You can't try to guess how your children will react to anything. Tell them, they may be angry, don't tell them, they may be angry. YOU and only YOU know your children and the relationship you have with them.

You need to ask yourself what your motive is behind whatever decision you make. If you want to tell them only to "get back" at him, it is probably not a good idea.

The only suggestion I have for you is to give it a little time before you make a decision. Allow yourself some time to heal and put everything in perspective. Don't do ANYTHING out of anger or resentment. It will backfire on you and your children will be angry because of it.

Good luck to you!

Answer 6

I know it seems hard but their dad's infidelity is nothing to do with the children - it's between the parents. I despise my ex and know he was having casual sex with other women (poor cows, they were welcome!). We didn't have children but I would have told them that mum and dad couldn't get along so they decided not to live together any more. I wouldn't have let the children "bad mouth" their dad or his new partner and I would have wanted them to see their grandmother as often as possible, even though my ex and I don't speak any more. I would never have used my children to get at their dad, no matter how justified I felt in telling them what a bad person he is. He would have been their dad and it would have been cruel to hurt them like that. Sorry.

Answer 7

My husband had an affair, we did not divorce, my kids are too young to know why there are problems, but they sense it. I will never tell my children what their dad did to their mother unless, maybe when they are older and married themselves and ever have to go through what i went through, I will tell them my story to know that love and marriage can go on in the face of infidelity. But even if we would have divorced over it, my answer would still be the same. Why put that image in their head when he didnt cheat on them, he cheated on their mother? They idolize their father and he has always beed a fantastic dad. I wouldnt ruin their image of their dad, ever. UNless they ever have to go through the same thing.

Answer 8

My kids ask me why we got divorced and all I told them was just listen to her phone conversations and watch how she acts around certain people.This was all it took for them to figure out what happened.After a few weeks it was very obvious to my daughters that their mother was cheating on me.I didn't have to say anything about her or what she was doing.It all came out on it's on.My kids lost alot of respect for their mother when this happened.Its now been six years and they still hold it against her for what she did. When they finally found out I told my kids that if they came to me with a question about what happened I would try to answer it as best as possible.I never added anything to the story or lied about what happened.

Answer 9

NEVER!!! Thats not for the kids to know. The cheated spouse always wants to rally the kids on their side. My daughter knew mom had a bf. My son blamed me. I never told any of my ex wife's secrets. That's between her and the kids. I do my part as a single dad, in the end they will see who the good parent is!!!!!

Answer 10

bnbt2004 gave the most awesome answer I think I've ever seen on here. I wish more people could understand the point she was making!

You DON'T put the kids in the middle of this garbage. They don't need to know all the gory details. They are not there to be your emotional crutch.

Answer 11

I didn't tell my kids because I didn't think it was their business. They did eventually find out though when they were young adults. The were surprised and very upset. My daughter asked why I didn't tell them and I explained that it had nothing to do with them. I didn't want them to have a reason to be pissed off at their father.
I think my kids respected that.