i really dont see this as a problem but how do i deal with it anyway?

Question

my husband has a 13 year old daughter from his previous marraige. i don't have any kids and im trying not to be his
daughter mother or stepmother. i stay out of his relationship with
his daughter because its his daughter and that is none of my
business. her mom is jealous of me and her ex-husbands relationship and marraige. i don't have a problem with him
seeing and spending time with his daughter and i should
not but what i have a problem with is his daughter going back
home telling her mother everything that gos on between me
and her father and that is none of her mothers business.
she is only 13 and she dosen't know how to keep her mouth
shut she is just a child. she went back and told her mother
after her last visit that is was pregnant and my husband was
joking to his parents when we were all in a room together one
day. she gos back and tells her mother everything! i really
don't want to be bathered with her anyway. i dont mistreat
her in anyway but she talks.

Answer 1

Your husband needs to have a talk wth her about keeping things private.

Or you could get some secret on her and threaten to tell. (kidding)

Answer 2

I don't know what to say except pretty much all 13 year old girls like to eavesdrop, so I don't think she's being malicious. The other answers are right, talk to your husband and explain how you feel, and try and avoid talking about anything serious in front of her.

Did you ever think that maybe she's being sent to your place with instructions from the mother to listen? It could be the case, depending on how nasty the ex is! I wouldn't normally ***** about women I don't know but I have a relative who did exactly this, it was sad, childish and ultimately only messed up the poor kid in the middle.

Please don't forget that she was in your husbands life before you came along, she is his daughter and she is still a child. She's probably still hurting and confused about the divorce as well. Saying that you really don't want to be bothering with her is a little mean don't you think?

Answer 3

first off- she is trying to get your attention.
Even though she may say she doesn't want you to be her mother- she does want you to be a mother figure. Befriend her and explain that you don't talk about things that concern her to others and you would appreciaite her doing the same.
She is at an age that is known for pushing the boundries and if you and she can work this out and still manage to keep you respect for each other you will be better off. By involving your husband and " keeping out of their relationship " you are giving her the upper hand. She will continue to see you as the " enemy " and the " outsider " until she can form an alliance with you.
You do not have to be her mother or try to act like it but you can be respectful and treat her like a part of your family. You became her family when you married her dad.

Answer 4

To her dong this shows loyalty to her mother, her anger and hurt over the divorce is pointed at you. There is not much you can do really, just try to be kind and try to form a friendship with her, it will be hard to do this and she will be resistant but at the end of the day she is now your family. To actually say to her that she must not go back to her mother with gossip will only spur her on to do it more. 13 is a very difficult age and if you can get past this and form a bond with her your life will be enriched in the years to come.

Answer 5

I'll take another angle here, she is 13 yrs old, she is just a kid. Who might be the person making her do all this talking? Who might be probing this young girl to talk against you or about you? Not making judgement (all women r jealous in they're make up & she is prob a nice woman), but kiddies r v.impressionable. Seems the kiddie isn't the prob she might be the tool. If nothing bad is going on so be it, if the ex wants to know let her know, there's no dirt on you or your life & if was so what? Life's too short for everyone. Let her know of your wonderful sex life if you want to carry on the game. (my hands r up just a point of view.)

Answer 6

i think this is such a common problem. the daughter may enjoy trying to play her parents off agains't each other.
keep being friendly to her.
I think if you tell her not to tell her Mum anything she will do it even more and give her Mum reason to start moaning.
Try to keep things happy when she is visiting and if you and your husband need to chat personally then don't do it infront of her.

The daughter could also be under great pressure from her mother to tell her everything.

Answer 7

This is difficult, i was in the same position with my parents when i was her age (not so long ago =)) i'd say you should try and make friends with her, find some comman ground.

I presume that in a way her mother is "brainwashing" her, in a sub-concious way, to make the girl tell her things, if you are scene as less of a threat and more of an friend then the girl will over-come telling everything to her mother.

unfortunatly this didn't work for me as my stepmum was a c**t.... hope this helped

Answer 8

What do you expect from a 13 year old girl!? She maybe thinks she's gettiing in her mum's good books somehow,i had the same trouble with my husbands son,only his mum was a total gobshite,and tried to cause trouble at every opportunity,using her son as an excuse. I was constantly in the firing line cos she would ring my husband saying he'd been upset or something.If i were you i'd keep out of the way when she comes to visit and tell your husband to think before he speaks,it's only gonna get worse as she gets older.

Answer 9

Don't talk about things in front of her you don't want her to tell....she's 13, at that age, "they" ;children (especially females) enjoy the back and forth stuff between their divorced parents. I guess it makes them feel good or I don't know, I have two daughters myself who did the same thing; only I wouldn't feed into it, I'd always just say nice things about anything they had to say about their dad and his girlfriends. She no doubt likes getting a reaction out of her mother; it will pass.

Answer 10

The mother may be encouraging her daughter to spy for her and its hard for a 13 year old to be disloyal to her mom.

How do you tell a kid not to repeat what she sees in your home...?

I suggest you and your husband work harder on keeping her less informed on personal matters. All fights need to occur when she's back with mama or out of earshot.

Your husband is the only one who can really express to her the importance of maintaining...how do you say...confidentiality with what happens at home...I don't know. I was never told not to discuss my homelife with others...so...

And joke around any kid you're pregnant and they will tell everyone...honestly!!! An Adult would blab that.